Interrobang

15

2012-01-27T10:46:00.000-08:00

I can't really put into words what occurred yesterday, or all the things I realized after being blind for so long.

All I know, is I'm taking a huge leap here, out of obedience.
I'm putting an end to things that are starting to damage me.
I'm phasing out people who prefer to spin on their hamster wheels than to excel.

What I can't get over is:
If we're all Christians, shouldn't we be treating each other like brothers and sisters in Christ?
If we're all at a Bible study, shouldn't there be some sort of Christian behavior? Or try to pretend?

I'm sick coming week after week to a place that's not serving it's purpose. It's supposed to be a day where like-minded, godly teens fellowship and grow closer to Christ. So far, it's turning out to be a montage of 'whatever goes' and worldly conversations, seedy interaction and blatant shunning of people in the group.
I GET that you should be able to come to a place to be accepted--no matter where you are in your walk with God.
This being said, there should at least be evidence of a continuing effort to become more like Christ. So far, we've all been moving backward. Last night was an acceleration of backwards-actions.
I cannot continue to be ostracized. I cannot continue to observe the shunning of others. I cannot continue to listen about parties, sex, drugs, movies, music, and drinking--during a BIBLE study.

I'm really going to miss some people. Mostly the ones I've known for longer than these 4 years of Bible study. I've just come to a point where I literally cannot move forward when I'm around people who only wish to act less than lukewarm.
It's not my job; it never was my job. Only God can change people, and how I wish he would.

17 days

2012-01-25T20:49:00.000-08:00

Audition countdown.

The past couple of weeks have been a blur of never leaving the house, practicing for hours on end, watching yet another beautiful day pass by outside, and cleaning my room when I'm frustrated.

The best thing I could ever do, was deactivate my Twitter and Facebook. I can't tell you how it makes the day worthwhile.

Since listening to nothing but classical, a cantatta or piano concerto is always running through my mind.
This was tonight:

and continued, it won't let me embed it :( I'd love this on a record. MUST FIND IT.

http://youtu.be/O2DL-gKH364

Dad gave me some tips on certain mindsets to have when I'm performing/preparing the audition. I've let myself get so bogged down with how many mistakes I'm making, instead of how the music sounds and what it feels like to play music. I'm trying really hard to push out negative thoughts during playing and trying to not dwell on hard measures or parts I'm not confident with. I'm slowly learning how to bring something new to the table with my performing. Even if I'm the only one in the house...

I really really really really really really don't want to go to school tomorrow. I literally haven't done homework in 3 days. It's terrible to let things slide, but you only get a chance to audition ONCE.
I feel like making a deal with my teachers to let things go until February 11th, and then going back to normal. After all, I'm homeschooled.

So tonight it was either study for an econ test, or write out 2 measures of Rachmaninoff Prelude in Gm 5 times, then drill 2 stations and make recordings of the prelude and the first movement of Beethoven's Pathetique. 90 minutes later, and I must go to bed. Can't wait to wake up tomorrow and fail my test!!!

Process of Elimination

2012-01-23T21:43:00.000-08:00

I've been eliminating a lot of things from my routine.
Facebook, Twitter, and popular music.
If I want to listen to something, I'll tune in to KBAQ, or better yet, silence and just stew in my thoughts.
If I want to go on Facebook or post on Twitter, I go into my room and clean it until I don't want those things anymore.
It's been interesting, working all the time and getting rid of habits. I read more--that's for sure. I finished 2 Narnia books for school, (LOL, senior) and right now I'm halfway through 1984 (for fun.)
As for music, I was starting to become realllllllly existential and dissatisfied with life the past couple of months. Since I stopped listening to anything produced after 1920, I have not felt bogged down.
I think clearer, and appreciate more things. I talk more on the phone and get a TON of things done in a short amount of time. I don't believe music was ever supposed to become the way it is now. So many people forget that music has order, yet is free enough from restraint to create.
I think the typical, "intro--verse--chorus--verse--chorus--bridge--outro--fade out" mentality of music-making has turned us into individuals who feed on the present emotion, and brevity of songs yet walk away feeling dissatisfied. Music should have order, and by order I mean, it should actually go somewhere. It should accomplish more than a few chord progressions, rhythms and riffs. Instead, it should burst with melody and harmony. It should introduce, develop, recapitulate, and resolve.

Listen to this and tell me you don't feel intellectual.

2012-01-22T18:10:00.001-08:00

...and now I'm sick.
couldn't have come at a more inconvenient time..

at least there's DOWNTON ABBEY.. in less than an hour. egads!

2012-01-21T08:35:00.001-08:00

She KNOWS she's not supposed to be on the couch.... Look at those guilty eyes

2012-01-21T08:33:00.001-08:00

"After I reached my teens I decided I didn't want to hang out with anyone. I couldn't handle the stupidity."
-Kurt Cobain

reminders

2012-01-20T15:03:00.000-08:00

Drama semester just got a little less dramatic.

The epicenter of all drama just asked for my forgiveness.
I blanched. But eventually forgave.
My outlook has changed a little; some wrongs were made right.
It was a long time coming, and now I just so want to move on.

2012-01-20T15:00:00.001-08:00

one week

2012-01-20T14:59:00.000-08:00

Mom pulled into the darkened parking lot of Mimi's Cafe and immediately I was transported back to the memory of last Thursday.

Last Thursday the 12th, mom and I waited in the parking lot for dad's car to join us for dinner. I was very conflicted: I only had 2 letters of recommendation from music professionals for Herberger's application, and they wanted 3. I thought ASU was out of the option, and doors were going to shut in my face. I didn't have a clue where to go next. I never thought I wouldn't get in to my #1 college choice. I couldn't physically think of another music professional to write my 3rd letter. It was terrifying, and disappointing.

A week later, Thursday the 19th, I sat in the car while mom chose a parking place. Exactly a week to this very moment, and now I have submitted my application, got accepted, and an audition date is now in place.

We found a music professional in a close friend of ours from the homeschooling world, and she came to my house, listened to me play, asked a lot of questions, reviewed my literature, and interviewed me. The 3rd letter--sent, the application--fully completed. It all came together. God takes care of his children. Even the ones wanting to go to a secular college.

Seriously

2012-01-18T08:32:00.001-08:00

I'm considering not using Facebook, Twitter or Blogger for a whole month. I don't know why, but I miss the old days of not checking these things every day or feeling a need to post on them. It'll be hard. I don't like not being in the loop.

numb

2012-01-17T12:04:00.000-08:00

I just got an email.
2 days after submitting the application, I am now accepted into the Herberger School of Music.
Yayyyy dream college excitement right? WRONG. I couldn't even enjoy it. The second I saw the dreaded audition date, I blanched.

February 11th, 2012

Less than a month. I requested March 3rd. I have no words.

barely caught up

2012-01-16T00:05:00.000-08:00

It's been a whirlwind here--but a monotonous one.
All I do anymore is practice the piano, do applications, and homework.
It's really not that bad, but I do miss free time. And my clean room.

Drama Semester is starting. Right now I'm watching about 3-4 of my friends involved in the same situations with the same people as I was in last year. It's like deja vu. Only more obnoxious.
Can we all just focus on ourselves for once?

Facebook, texting, electronics are becoming the devil. I have stopped listening to anything that's not classical. I don't know who I'm turning into, but I hope it's not Stylites.

I played in The Venue today for SBC's 50th Anniversary Sunday. I really enjoyed that and celebrating 50 years, listening to stories and looking at pictures. I'll be old enough to someday see the 100th anniversary. I wonder what that will be like!

DOWNTON ABBEY WAS SO GOOD.

Is it just me, or...?

2012-01-13T22:55:00.001-08:00

Does last night's sunset look exactly like the record sleeve of my Elton John record?

.....it's scary I thought of this correlation while looking at the sky

rigged

2012-01-10T19:13:00.000-08:00

The media coverage/glorification of Romney is sickening and totally obvious.
Whoever the mainstream media endorses, seriously tells you something.
LIberals would like nothing more than Obama 2.0 "Romney" to be our next president.
Don't be the sheep mentality.

Right now I'm torn between Santorum and Paul. I really like the positions Santorum has. He is so ethical and intelligent and really has a great track record. Ron Paul, I like that he's not afraid to fight for the constitution. He has some amazing ideas, yet he also has some really crazy ones--like his foreign policy. I will NOT vote for Romney. He is only a RINO, Republican In Name Only. We have to get Obama out of there. But I will not be reduced to voting for 'anyone but Obama.' Let's not make a bigger mistake when the fleece is pulled over our eyes.

A Good Sunday

2012-01-08T21:22:00.001-08:00

Church at 8
Nap for 2 hours
2 hours of piano
2 hours of college apps :((
2 hours of piano
Dad came home from CA. :D
Then 2 hours of Downton Abbey accompanied by a cup of sipping chocolate from Trader Joe's.

Ok. Best episode ever. I can't wait until next week. I love this show.

Tix for Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto No. 3 are dwindling. The colored spaces are empty seats and its not until 5 more months! MUST GO AND HEAR THE WONDER.

Downton Abbey has a companion book. Want.

To discuss the episode a bit: the man Edith fancies, is he married to the farm lady? Or is he her son/brother. So confused. And I wish they'd get rid of 'different' Thomas. He brings nothing to the table.

The Grind

2012-01-06T22:22:00.001-08:00

Went to this place tonight. Possibly the best burger I will ever have in my life.

The people I was with, were all over the age of 21. And I'm an only child so I'm totally used to putting up with adults. But now I am one, so what happens now? Do I join the circle? I don't really want to.
It was a great night, but it had its moments of weirdness. Moments of philosophical dialogue, and bouncing ideas around. Eve, of course, answered right away and with pragmatic points and reasons. It wasn't received well. I don't think anyone knew I was talking. Anyway .... After the dinner my brain was so fuzzy from all the heavy conversations and topics. I literally felt exhausted trying to keep up. I felt like I just took the SAT.

Adulthood is just not for me

Vivian Maier

2012-01-06T11:58:00.000-08:00

"What the Nanny Saw"

2012-01-05T12:45:00.000-08:00

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old

I would be....

--"Frail"

Found this today

2012-01-04T22:35:00.001-08:00

My mousepad I've had for years. At first when I saw it I thought, HAH that so explains my life right now.
The tip of the iceberg being my college application process and the rest of the frozen behemoth is cleverly hiding under the surface..

Anddd then I read the caption. Vision: Beyond seeing.

I thought of many things. I thought of the sacrifices I'm making and the preparation that's going into my future field of music. That's vision.
Then I also thought of my life now, and what it will be a year from now. It was dismal.
My life, and my friends right now are at a new high. I've never had nicer, or more supportive friends. This has been a great year getting to mesh with new people and just learning to have fun. It's also been drama free. Which is amazing.
I felt kind of sad at this realisation. I'm going to a HUGE secular school next year and will be bombarded by the people, lifestyles, and worldviews that come with it. I can only imagine a lonely, dejected life--socially speaking. I thought, "Wow so basically it's all downhill from here."
At that moment I had a new thought: Do you trust Me enough to put the right people in your life?
I liked those comforting words from the Holy Spirit. It's been such a struggle as to what I'm going to miss out from a Christian college education. This came at a good time.

2012-01-04T11:06:00.001-08:00

I had a dream my mom bought the wrong kind of greek yogurt and I was disgusted. But also on a lazy river when I discovered it. Odd.

Algimantas Kezys

2012-01-03T13:19:00.001-08:00

2012-01-02T19:57:00.001-08:00

Little known facts about me:
I am not a people person, yet I flourish in group situations. One-on-one just makes me figety and anxious.
I also like to be OUT and DOING stuff. Yet I know my priorities and the second they get neglected, all I want to do is stay at home without distractions.
Suffice it to say, Christmas break has been nothing but a giant waste of time. Well, 67% of break was actual holiday/productive things, but the last 43% has been me, couped up in the house doing nothing, and wasting so much time. I'm not sure how to cope with my laziness while everything is low stress. Pushing myself, and making time out of a crazy schedule is all I've ever known. I'm REALLY looking forward to the game tomorrow and seeing my friends. My thoughts are driving me insane; I need something else to think about besides them.

Red Scale!

2012-01-02T10:43:00.001-08:00

I got it developed! Most of the roll was shot because I exposed it to light while I was trying to load it. Only 6 exposures came in, 1 was too blurry and the other was double exposed and the rest of the roll was unexposed. So basically it cost me a dollar a photograph. There used to be a saying, "Film is cheap." I'm pretty sure digital is cheaper.
So I took pics of them with my camera phone. I tried to crop out the table background they were resting on, just ignore that, it's not part of the photograph. And one of them has a glare from the overhead light. It's a glossy print. Ignore that too. This is obviously extremely lo-fi, I can't even use a scanner. ;)
1st exposure: A tiny sprig of a tree growing in an alley in Niles, Michigan. The town where my dad grew up.. Over-exposed about 1 stop.
2nd: An alley wall in Niles. I over-exposed about 1-2 stops
3rd: Trees in the backyard of the house where my dad grew up. The people didn't have a fence...like most mid-westerners...so we just took a few steps into the yard. I don't remember how I took this picture. I'm sure I over exposed. That's the rule of thumb with redscale.
4th: Side of a building in Niles. This time I over exposed using my ISO dial. The film was 800, I shot at 1000.

Sunday!

2012-01-01T21:37:00.001-08:00

Dad wanted to see a movie. Sherlock Holmes 2 at 6:00 at Shea 14. We all loaded into the car and thought, "Hey, maybe our friends, the Reaser's would like to join US for Oregano's later tonight."
We called. Ken answered.
They were in their car....on their way to a movie.....Sherlock Holmes 2.......at Shea 14. Crazy! We decided to sit with them. Incidentally, we pulled up right as they did and parked next to each other.
We ran into 2 more families that night--both with the latter 14U team connection. It was the night to be out, apparently. I got to see one of my favorite people. Robert! We talked Nirvana, of course.

Sherlock Holmes 2 was amazing. I found the action scenes, supporting actors, and dialogue to be exceptional. I wanted more of Holmes and his nemesis. I read ONE Sherlock story when I was 11--*yawn*. It had something to do with a poisonous snake and a way for the murderer to lock a door from the outside... Well now I want to read more!

But the ad for the Batman movie?? Seeing CHRISTOPHER NOLAN in huge white letters made me gasp. The ad was riveting. Not sure about Hathaway as Catwoman. I've never liked her!!! Nolan is so conventional in his female actress choices. Nevertheless, I am so beyond excited for this movie.
In addition to the barrage of commercials we viewed before the previews (go figure) was a tiny ad for Downton Abbey.
It's airing this Sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had no clue. I'm too excited. I don't think I can wait.

Today was loads of fun. I rollerbladed for 6 miles and then had a great night!

2011-12-31T23:51:00.001-08:00

New Years

2011-12-31T20:46:00.000-08:00

things about tonight:

I feel so DANG old I can't even stand it. I remember each night of every new years eve:

2008 I thought my life would end because of a super melodramatic text conversation.
2009 I thought my life was sooo lame because all my friends were in public school & I wasn't
2010 I don't remember thinking much, I went to bed early
2011 I'm practicing piano

Looks like life is getting better the more the years go by!

2nd Semester

2011-12-30T22:27:00.001-08:00

It's hard to imagine it's related to 1st semester.

2nd semester is so different from 1st. It's the time when friendships solidify, or break apart.
When the REAL studying starts -- unless you're a senior, then you don't care.
It's when you try to make more time for friends, or more time for yourself. It's the wonderful time of spring; and the sports and dances that go with it.
I'm not looking forward to spring. But at the same time I am!

I can't imagine balancing 4 hr piano practice and a season of softball into my weeks.

I'm so bored with the people I know, yet if they were missing in my life, I'd be incomplete.

Schoolwork is death, and now were adding college apps.

I have about 5 people asking, NO relentlessly reminding me to put pictures up on Facebook and other sites. (yeah, I'll get right on that)

Prom is coming up? Any thoughts so far? NONE.

Audition coming up? Well, IF I get accepted...

Valentines day... Usually I hand make about 25.

Shopping. I need clothes. Seriously.

Room. I need to clean you. It's looking like war-torn Somalia in here.
So yeah! I have to read 3 books, watch 2 movies, do a physiology lab, and complete an economics project before the 9th.

But on the 3rd is the big AZ HEAT vs EVAC basketball game! Huge rivalry. Last year's game was so close and pretty much glorious....I lost my voice cheering. A couple of my girl friends are gonna hang out at someone's house before going to the game. I'm really looking forward to that, I need to see people. It's been a month of staying in the house and battling college apps, transcripts, lab science examples, piano practice, Christmas, and new years. AHH.. I'm really hoping this insanity will pay off. I want time for myself pretty soon.

2011-12-29T12:41:00.001-08:00

so...

2011-12-29T12:07:00.000-08:00

about the odd poems and vague posts,
I don't really know why I posted them?
I have been reading too many tumblr's, I suppose.
I promise I'm not an angsty teen, or depressed, or anything.
I only feel a need to keep posting.

Christmas was fun, it definitely wasn't picture perfect, but I still had a blast. Some significant presents this year for me was a ski helmet that has headphones for music, 5 Bath and Body Works shower gels, and a 1977 Minolta XG 1 SLR with zoom lens and attachable flash. My grandpa recently found this in his garage; he bought it years ago and forgot about it. He gave it to me after I expressed interest in it. MINT CONDISH.
I can't believe I have this camera. It's so amazing.
My 35 mm Cameras:
Canon Rebel G SLR with 50-75mm lens
Yashica Electro 35 GSN
Minolta XG 1 with 22-210 mm lens

I also have a Kodak No. 2 Folding Cartridge Hawk Eye Model 2 (1920's-1930's ?)
and a Spencer Full-Vue TLR. (1940's?)
both take 120 film.

And then my Canon Digital Rebel XTi SLR.

That's my collection so far!
I need to develop my redscale film, and then see how the Minolta works. I think it needs new batteries. :/

Sad Day

2011-12-23T23:31:00.001-08:00

When you run a mile then look down at the treadmill and discover you've only burned 118 calories :((

Getting back in shape: it's gonna be a long road

Picture: favorite shirt.. and I'm always cold!!! WHEN IS SUMMER

Correlations

2011-12-21T22:32:00.000-08:00

Funny how tables turn 180 degrees from Freshman to Senior year with people you know.

3 years ago this would have been wonderful

3 years later, it's hardly a big deal at all

Kinda sad?

Nah

2011-12-21T22:29:00.001-08:00

Evan wiping out in Alaska.. skiing a face

don't know why I can't rotate this :C

2011-12-21T12:25:00.001-08:00

Backyard adventures

2011-12-21T00:34:00.001-08:00

Taking care of Timmons' animals. His cat is so cute yet so demonic. as cats usually are bahaha C:

2011-12-21T00:33:00.001-08:00

I got this on fb. Yay me?

skype

2011-12-20T23:47:00.001-08:00

skype

I usually don't use this

But I really like it now. I've skyped 2 days in a row!
I've been sitting in my house doing nothing but chores and piano for a week. This is literally getting me through christmas break.

I feel my social life coming back to life

Birthday is

2011-12-19T22:35:00.001-08:00

To start it all by dreaming about a special unrelased Doors song and hearing it in your sleep, only to wake up and discover it doesn't exist
A time to stress about college
Over think Christmas decorations.
Wonder why you don't feel festive
Take a breath from the past semester
Realize everything and everyone you met
Become lonely for one friend out of many
Snap yourself out of it
Ask 'why' way too many times
Feel as old as the hills
Wish so desperately for a time machine
Wish for an actual 'Christmas break'
Think about the future
Think about a year from now. Total 180
Look forward to skiing
Dread audition
Eat 3 burritos in one day
Laugh at your hilarious parents
Plan what to do with your hair in the next 6 months
Text people, read posts, Skype friends
Take care of timmons cat and dog
Decorate tree with half-lidded eyes
Laugh at your hilarious parents
Try to go to bed, but feel hungry

Children's TV

2011-12-18T00:55:00.003-08:00

Just plain frightening.
How could this possibly be cute...it looks like a tumor.

Don't ask how I found this on tv.

President of the 2AM Club

2011-12-18T00:55:00.001-08:00

Paper is done.

2011-12-17T19:28:00.000-08:00

This paper is dragging on.

I'm writing about something in which I have no idea. Matt Forte's MCL injury.

I'm writing in APA format, in which I have never learned.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo confused

2011-12-16T14:58:00.001-08:00

gonna get my christmas tree tonight!

hopefully I'll finish my paper in time

Filling out U of A's application now :(

life is too short

2011-12-16T12:55:00.000-08:00

so many things are pressing on my mind:

filling out applications to a bunch of universities.
a paper DUE in 9 hours that I haven't started, and other incomplete assignments due.
4 hours of piano
christmas preparations
final grades MISSING from every math class I ever took (AHHHH)
and finishing transcripts.

but for some reason, none of this is bugging me.
Either I'm just in a lottt of denial or I just don't care anymore.

and why should I care? life is too short.

The Healing

2011-12-15T17:42:00.000-08:00

working through things from years ago

christmas party tonight! I'm quite excited for that

ready to begin the new semester

UNKLE's "The Healing" on my mind. I'd link it, but the cover art is uncharacteristically sketchy.

Reminders

2011-12-15T13:43:00.000-08:00

I'll never forgive you

Ever

You screwed with too many lives

Your reunions will be lonely and nonexistent

I hope you one day apologize

You never forgave me

Even when I tried to prove myself

Now you will do the same

December is for Albums

2011-12-15T08:32:00.001-08:00

Found this and it's really good. Totally 'December'

It's 8

2011-12-14T19:15:00.001-08:00

I think I'll go listen to Odyssey on the radio. just cuz

Teen Challenge

2011-12-14T19:09:00.000-08:00

A teen challenge guy came to our doorstep.
Mom wanted me to step outside and listen to his testimony, but I didn't have makeup on and my hair was a mess. Seconds later, I heard bits of a conversation and wanted to be out there too, besides I was being ridiculous about the whole appearance thing.
His name was Adam. He had an incredible story. We soon found out that he was home schooled and grew up in the church until he was 13 and then his parents went through a divorce, his dad became an alcoholic and he was put in public school. It was there where he tried marijuana for the first time. Fast forward a few years later, he faced 3-5 years in prison for assault and breaking into homes for heroin money.
He got out on a complete miracle. God gave him a second chance. Then he went to Teen Challenge.

I was floored. He was so on fire for Christ I could hardly get over it. Only 19, his life had been shattered, but rebuilt and restored completely by Christ. Now he wants to be a counselor and pastor
I'm so glad this happened today. A few things came to mind when he left:

what are some addictions in MY life?

what is the big picture?

are we really living life, just to live?

does it have to take a terrible drug-ridden life to have a close relationship with the Lord?

what am I meant to do?

a song on my mind today

4th favorite album of all time

2011-12-13T23:36:00.001-08:00

I wonder

2011-12-13T23:35:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I wonder at how many nights of my life that I've looked at this crack in my bronze antique lamp.
It's been in my room for 17 years.

2011-12-13T22:43:00.001-08:00

Goodwill never happened.

not sure why.

I should just stop planning things ahead hahah. Christmas preparations are gonna take up all of my life. I have so many college apps to fill out. :((

goodwill

2011-12-13T09:29:00.001-08:00

might be going to Fountain Hill's Goodwill with Brooke.

It's going to be a beautiful day.

I want to ski on Friday for my birthday! Not sure how that will work out with practicing piano, but I'll figure it out.

As for my actually birth date, I'm not doing anything. Christmas kind of messes plans up. lol

2011-12-13T09:28:00.000-08:00

today I will drop off my redscale pictures for developing.

I didn't finish the whole roll because I've been hearing some 'crunching' when I advance the film. Next time, I'm using my old 35 mm Canon SLR instead of the Yashika.

So to minimize disappointment of discovering I've been exposing the same frame over and over, I'm just going to develop what I have. Pricey.
The things we do for film

2011-12-13T09:24:00.001-08:00

2011-12-12T22:16:00.001-08:00

2011-12-12T21:08:00.000-08:00

I met you with a wary handshake. You had a wool pea coat, dusty skin, and stony eyes.

To the absolute unlovable I was pulled, and forever will be.

Your browbones sat like lofty balconies to the eyes.

Perhaps at one time your bright eyes surveyed the view below, when ambitions were young and the stage was empty--waiting to be filled.

It wasn't long before the shadows pulsed in the mezzanine in tiny wisps.

You replaced the velveteen curtains with a much brighter color, but still the shadows climbed the walls.

They grew into roots, sticking out, sliming under the floor.

They burst through, the wretched, wrinkled roots, in a mix of powder and plaster around your head.

From then on, it was damage control

The years passed in a blur of a montage of sights and sounds bookmarked by the protagonist waiting in the wings.

He stepped out for a duel.

He was just like you. Soft, safe, ambitious. Except for his stony eyes.

With this debut, His ripples spread around you, pulling, tugging, pushing.

You could feel them in the darkest of nights, never relenting until they reached their goal.

The blood bath began onstage. Strike! Curse! Resist! Alas, He became You.

Abandoned, dark, and silent, the stage sat empty and unable to recover.

Shabby trees grew in the lobby, fed only by the squares of light that escaped through rusted tin tiles.

You asked yourself, "How long can something degrade until it is lost forever?"

No answer came, and none ever did.

Year-after-year the pain multiplied ten-fold.

Children explored the place, speculating about its former state.

Yet, imaginations failed to conjure such grandeur.

Your broken pieces dashed inside of you, trying to escape the pain of destruction that never releases.

In the midst of darkness, She saw the grandeur.

This simple handshake was an acknowledgement of the deserted theatre of your psyche.

It was as if she ventured into the lobby, unafraid.

Her bated breath escaped to mix with tiny ice crystals in the air.

The worn banister ached at the cool touch of her reverent fingers.

Each step was tentative: she took care around the broken steps.

She removed the heavy curtains and wrapped them around the whole sun.

Not even the beating wings of hunched bats caused her to cower as they fled from one dissolved beam to the next.

This long-awaited life began to throb in the hallways.

Finally, He caught her looking into his spot in the balcony. And She caught his attention forever.

His imploring eyes would meet her gaze.

Throughout the day, and in passing, their gaze held.

"I'm looking at you again." His eyes seemed to say to Hers in unison.

"We do this a lot." Her eyes sparkled to his, again in unison.

"Part of me, dare I say, is enjoying this."

"Likewise. Though, people may notice our glances."

"Even She."

"There is a She?"

"Yes."

"I've met her. We are equals, I am like Her, but instead I desired your sadness. She does not."

"For this reason, You and I should be together."

"But not forever."

"Not forever."

"Not never."

"Not ever."

current music interests

2011-12-08T18:30:00.001-08:00

KiD CuDi
Passion Pit
Kanye West
Gnarls Barkley
Depeche Mode
Unkle

I've basically been living on the green corduroy couch with my laptop for the past three days. When this Youth and Government thing is over, I'm going to cry epic tears of happiness.

all my titles are turning into 'sigh'

2011-12-07T22:16:00.001-08:00

Uggg.
Sometimes I just want to escape it all. It's crazy to think the stuff that occurred the past 4 years actually happened at all. It's so odd, awkward, mesmerizing, hilarious, sweet, and painful.
haha I used to hate it when people used blogs as an outlet for existential rants, and now my blog is turning out to be one of them. WELL. Guess what people, I'm a human, and humans have emotions and memories. And I just happen to have a really crazy memory.
one of these days I'll post old entries I wrote in freshman-sophomore year. I find them interesting. A way of seeing how somebody matures intellectually. I just gotta find where I put those notebooks hahah.

recent discovery

2011-12-07T13:58:00.001-08:00

Something about this band reminds me of winter. Especially in Indiana.

2011-12-06T10:56:00.001-08:00

stop dissing me

this is a final warning

don't make me become 9th grade Eve again

Once

2011-12-04T22:28:00.001-08:00

We were taught to check off the boxes

We were taught to reach; to consume.

Aligning it all under our eyes, they laid the blanket out.

Between wrong and wrong, we chose right.

Hailed as the chosen ones, the world followed us; exalted us; had nothing left for us, and dropped us off into silence.

2011-12-04T20:06:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I have this idea of myself. Slightly over-inflated, even idealistic.. and then I look in a mirror or watch a video of myself and I'm basically myself. All the time.
It's comforting
It's disappointing

2011-12-04T20:04:00.001-08:00

The Midwest is so dreary in the fall. I passed a cornfield and had to look away. It was exactly like the abduction scene in The Lovely Bones

2011-12-04T19:51:00.001-08:00

sometimes I feel I'll always be chasing for that best friend. or that idea of one.
so popular, yet I always find myself spending weekends with my thoughts.

I'd rather watch Clueless than do school

2011-12-04T19:34:00.001-08:00

mock trial tomorrow.
going up against the 'dream team' --as coined by Sam.
our team overly prepared.
as the prosecution for Antigone Vs. The State, I have a feeling tomorrow's going to be difficult.
Michael called me and tried to ask for help. They hadn't even started until 3 this afternoon. so that's the only thing that gives me a little hope.
tomorrow is going to be very fun.
I might leave school early tomorrow. soooo done with study hall/student leadership. I'm totally dropping that class next semester. I need a life.

so my birthday is coming up! gah, gotta start planning for that. no problem right? when you're in the middle of finals, model-leg, audition preparation, and planning to host christmas.

totally feeling back in time today.

I practiced piano for 4 hours. it wasn't as mind-numbing as I thought. I liked having enough time to drill and fix parts. 2 hours wouldn't have cut it.

I miss rollerblading!

2nd semester is the Drama Semester. I can already feel it brewing. can I be at ASU yet?

Two winters

2011-12-04T09:22:00.001-08:00

blanched

2011-12-01T13:59:00.001-08:00

today it was wayy cold.
And the sky was hazy and all the colors were faded and false like a tungsten filter.
So, naturally, I got home and listened to Robert Plant's solo album "The Principle of Moments" on vinyl.
Not his best work, but there's about 3 great songs.
This played through my head all day.

2011-11-28T18:08:00.001-08:00

went rollerblading with mom tonight and then worked out. IT'S SO NICE HERE. Scottsdale, I will never complain about your 'coldness,' after Indiana, I'm pretty sure I can stand anything.

working with my redscale film. I'm about halfway through the roll!

Sighh

2011-11-21T19:48:00.001-08:00

"We never change do we? No, no
We never learn do we?
I wanna live in a wooden house
Where making more friends could be easy.
Oh I wanna live where the sun comes out..."

coldplaycoldplaycoldplay..
On mah mind.

It hurtss. How much you want people to change. Oh it hurts

Vacay

2011-11-20T20:28:00.001-08:00

I'm going to a very cold place.
I will basically stay inside my grandparents house all day and hopefully make a trip out to Chicago on Wednesday. (If anyone is willing to take me.)
So does anyone have music on their mind? Leave a comment with an artist or an album I should listen to.
My grandma and aunt both said there is gonna be a 'surprise' when we come. This could range from a new type of cranberry sauce, to a cousin dropping by for a day.
I'm taking 2 curling irons with me. I'll have a lot of time on my hands. It's getting ridiculous how inept I am at curling my hair. Must learn.
Also might buy 2 rolls of film tomorrow morning and jerry rig them for one roll of redscale film. The bare trees will inspire me up there...I know it
Picture: a tumbleweed Christmas tree in downtown Chandler.

Black Friday

2011-11-19T23:43:00.001-08:00

And no I don't mean Rebecca...
*badam TSH*
i have successfully avoided ever venturing into this scary world for 17 years. Although I'm thinking this year will be different: we are visiting my dad's parents in IN. My Aunt is really big into these shopping days and my grandma hinted at going shopping. I am jumping to the conclusion that at 2am Friday morning I will be prodded out of bed and into frigid temperatures of 27*-30* and stand in line with a thermos with my thin jacket and even thinner AZ blood. Buy a few shoes and odd trinkets, maybe watch my aunt wrestle a few people to the ground, and stare painfully out the doors to watch the rising sun wishing I was in AZ. This will only punctuate my horrid experience and suddenly I will become aware of my location: a drab grey, strip mall located in a random town in Indiana between Portage and the curve of the earth.
Soo cynical ;)

2011-11-18T12:51:00.001-08:00

He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. -Prov 17:9

2011-11-17T21:30:00.001-08:00

thoughts:
in dialogue:

I don't know how to get through to you

I feel like I can really do something. but it's not the right time. I'll know when it's time.

the most disheartening thing in the world is when you discover someone doesn't 'get it.'

I wish other people could see you how I see you

how much does prayer really work? why do I feel guilty when I don't pray for you.

as long as I've been in high school, you've been stuck there. It's like you're dead. Your absence is stifling.

school was just way too long

2011-11-17T14:01:00.001-08:00

sOrry

2011-11-16T16:20:00.001-08:00

Here's my big Canadian apology:
I'm sorry for a lot of things,
friendship is somewhat hard for me.
I'm going to try harder.
You deserve it.

Coldplay

2011-11-14T18:47:00.000-08:00

my first love

this matches the sky today

2011-11-13T17:20:00.001-08:00

2011-11-10T22:51:00.001-08:00

In a little over a month from today, we will be on winter break and semester 1 of my last year of high school will be over. It's all going too fast.

March 2010

2011-11-10T22:40:00.001-08:00

An excerpt from the moments that made sense for the first time.

3 things

2011-11-08T18:17:00.001-08:00

Christmas is coming.
Just bought this great record. Love his voice during Christmas.
Reading Antigone for school. I love used books to read from.
And Hugh Laurie 'Let Them Talk' I seriously want to go to New Orleans now.

2011-11-08T09:54:00.001-08:00

listening to this just makes life feel worth everything

Yep

2011-11-07T20:18:00.001-08:00

It is what it is.
I've resigned to the fact life basically boils down to that one phrase. After the pity parties, the failed attempts at maturity, the stuck smiles, the slew of 'hi-bye' friends that leave you in the dust, the crushed quests for someone who cares, and the disappointment that feels like snapping you in half.
It is what it is.

November

2011-11-06T15:53:00.000-08:00

This month's theme is amazing albums.
So far I've discovered
Vice Verses--Switchfoot
Heligoland--Massive Attack
Let Them Talk--Hugh Laurie

Yes, you read that right. Hugh Laurie.
I saw this on PBS and fell in love with it. Went to Barnes and Noble yesterday and saw the album was for sale! Egads! It's amazing. He is so versatile--and HILARIOUS. THIS is a must-see.

siiiigh

2011-11-06T14:12:00.000-08:00

I have homework to do, and church to go to tonight at 4:44.
But I want so much to sit here, stare out the window and listen to Heligoland. :(

2011-11-05T19:14:00.000-07:00

hey there, winter.
I've been dreading you and your cold mornings, but this year, I might actually enjoy you!
Thanks to something called skiing--which I recently discovered.
and college football--which just keeps getting better.

"Oh no," mourned my mom from the couch, "It's starting already."
I danced in front of the tv as ASU made the first turnover of the night. I was going crazy. I did the whole cheerleader high-kick and everything. Mom just sat there motionless in her pre-nap cocoon of a giant green blanket and moaned, "Whyyyyyyy?"

SAT

2011-11-04T21:26:00.000-07:00

I have come to the conclusion, the people who make the SAT--like credit card companies--are pure evil.
The ACT's? Not so much. You're actually testing on things you know.
But the SAT is a cruel, confusing game.
Who in their right mind would make you take a test to see if you're "smart enough" to go to college?
ASU is even worse. They only want your combined math and reading scores. NOT YOUR WRITING.
What kind of college doesn't look at your writing scores?!
If I don't get a higher score tomorrow, community college is on the horizon.

the sky is no longer blue (!)

2011-11-04T17:02:00.001-07:00

what a crappy, hazy day.
I absolutely love it.

It's that time of year again

2011-11-04T09:25:00.001-07:00

When drama creeps in slowly day-by-day.
Before you know it, we're suddenly strangers.

Catch 22

2011-11-02T23:10:00.001-07:00

I have to practice piano today.
If practice piano, I won't get to study for my test.
If I don't study for my test, I fail.
If I fail, my GPA will go down.
If my GPA goes down, I can't get into college.
If I study for my test, I won't get to study for my SAT.
If I don't study for my SAT, I get a low score.
If I get a low score, I won't get into college.
If I don't practice piano, I won't make my college audition.

2011-11-01T19:17:00.000-07:00

Thoughts on yesterday | | | | | | | ||||||||||||||||||||||| | | | | | | | | | | | |

Why is it the people you dislike from the start, eventually end up being your close friends?
And the people you choose out of a crowd to be friends with, end up being super annoying?
Then there's the people in between; you vacillate between hating them and loving them.

Well, lemme just say, I can joke around about myself, and I don't mind people repeating it a coupla times, but NOT 30 times throughout the day, and spreading the joke around the school. Seriously. Words get to you after awhile.
And I also dislike snide comments and slights. Again, I'm an uncomplicated person; if you're going to slam me, do it outright. Besides, people have no idea how much I hold back during these times. I could dismantle them if I wanted to. Usually I just shut my mouth and feel kind of sad.

Maybe this is something I need to work on, maybe I take things too personally. But after nightmare 9th grade, there's no way I can be that strong-willed and defensive again. oh myy...

80's hair bands and jazzercise

2011-11-01T17:19:00.000-07:00

OCT 30
"80's hair bands. when girls were pretty and the guys were even prettier."

Koby, Stu, and Timmons told me to come to church because they were gonna be dressed up as guys from an 80's hair band. I didn't ask any questions, but instead decided to come.

When I got there tonight, the whole place was crawling with high schoolers dressed up in costumes. There was the lumberjack boy's group, the 80's band group, the girls jazzercise group, the girls despicable me group, and the girls pajama group. I was so taken aback at the lengths these people went with their costumes! Before I knew it, someone handed me an extra pair of teal tights, red running shorts, lime green shirt, headband, and scrunchie. Then I found myself running around PV mall, Target, McDonald's, and the old Krispy Kreme drive in with 30 other Jazzercise girls looking for the clues on the scavenger hunt. Totally out of my comfort zone, being thrust into a stituation like this. But I didn't mind, and it was the most fun I've had in a long time. :)

BTW KOBY STU AND TIMMONS LOOKED FRIKIN HILARIOUS

2011-10-30T14:17:00.001-07:00

This worldview paper needs to end!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh homework. Ahhhhhhhh!

2011-10-29T12:44:00.001-07:00

Glad I found this. Fascinating. Love the visuals.

Stuffs

2011-10-27T23:22:00.001-07:00

This month has been absolutely amazing.
Surrounded by the best of friends.
The most interesting groups.
Nobody hindered by the norm.
This is what happens when you put 200 homeschoolers of all ages in one building 2 x a week.

Tumblr is weird. I can't figure it out. I don't want one. It's too hipster. Sometimes the most creative things are the most subtle.

The best world series game ever happened tonite and I missed it. I was at Bible study. *eye ball roll*

Also a friend I know is changing. But it's mutual. Seeing this change is surreal. It's like watching them through a glass. I'm still a part of Friend's life.
I took last year for granted because I never thought this interaction would go away. It's crazy to watch people grow up, and they're only a year younger than you!

Today I pulled a prank. It was the most exhilarating thing ever. After running away from victim's doorstep in broad daylight/sunglasses and driving away, I felt like I could do anything.! Adrenaline junkie!

My physiology teacher ranted about the evils of government healthcare for a full 10 min. Hi, can I be you when I grow up?

I beat Bryce Newman in pool today.

Homecoming tomorrow

Homecoming

2011-10-26T08:59:00.001-07:00

Gotta find a dress today....... Sigh!
This is gonna be a real chore.

today

2011-10-25T09:52:00.000-07:00

ready to conquer today and get work done! I want a free weekend
wantwantwantwantwantwant
needneedneedneedneedneed

switchfoot

2011-10-22T16:15:00.000-07:00

I went to the Switchfoot concert totally last minute, last night. I hung out with some random people from Josh Timmons' church. These were people I didn't even know.
I jammed to 'Restless,' 'Meant to Live,' and 'The Sound' surrounded by a random 9th grade guy from Chaparral, and a man with large, obtrusive shoulders. This made for very minimal fist-pumping on my part. :(
Grand Canyon University is in SUCH a sketchy part of town. Once I started seeing bars on windows, laundry mats, check cashing and payday loan centers, I started feeling nervous. I'm so Scottsdale.
I ran into 25 people last night. It was like a convention of random people I've known from Bible studies, SBC, KEYS, other co-ops and the baseball world.
IHOP was fun; but the 2 am bedtime was notttttt.

No

2011-10-22T16:03:00.000-07:00

I can't end this friendship. Not when it's at such a critical stage.

Proverbs 24:11-12Deliver those who are drawn toward death, And hold back those stumbling to the slaughter. If you say, “Surely we did not know this,” Does not He who weighs the hearts consider it?He who keeps your soul, does He not know it?And will He not render to each man according to his deeds?

James 5:19-20Brethren, if anyone among you wanders from the truth, and someone turns him back, let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save a soul from death and cover a multitude of sins.

2011-10-18T16:12:00.001-07:00

Study hall

2011-10-18T00:01:00.001-07:00

Maggie was sketched out on lack of sleep and preferred the floor rather than a chair.
Sequence is also the best strategy game ever.
Our study hall has the worst colors. I want to find the person who decided to use fiesta colors and shake him.

Stress recovery

2011-10-16T22:34:00.001-07:00

This is my week to deactivate my Facebook, my Twitter, and my tv addiction. I need to get my life in order. I need to recover and my immune system needs to heal. I must start a routine. I must be organized and prepared. I've been praying and reading the Bible a lot the past 2 weeks. Which leads me to a devastating decision: I have a friendship I have to limit.. hopefully temporarily. It's stressing me out. I'm praying a lot about it this week.