I
was an hour and half late to the assembly because I woke up late and honestly didn't even want to go that bad. It's amazing the freedom I have knowing that I'm a commuter and nothing is 'mandatory.' Nobody is going to be bursting into my dorm room at 7:15 AM decked out with mardi gras beads, hyper smile and a megaphone and prod me into a herd of slowly moving mouth-breathing freshman.
I walked in and a concerned advisor informed me I had missed all the speakers (darn) but good thing I came just in time for lunch! Then he thrust a a yellow shirt and foam pitchfork into my hands. Emerging from the lunch line, I stood there with my pizza and looked at the vast sea of yellow shirts. Which stranger should I sit by? I thought these moments were reserved for high school.
I chose the first table I saw--it looked pretty harmless. There's a laugh!
I met two girls who were also commuters, but they didn't have classes at Tempe. After exploring the exciting world of Conversations with Complete Strangers, my eyes moved to the unexplored part of the table.
A "bro" with diamond ear studs, fake-n-bake tan, sat chatting it up with a girl in a tight ASU shirt, and Amy Winehouse eyeliner. Dear goodness half of my table is Jersey Shore.
Then two more bros shuffled in and sat down next to Mike the Imitation--each with an obviously brand new Sector Nine. These were Zoni Bros. With tans that said, "I sat in the house with the AC on all summer and got burned at Havasu once."
Snippets of the broversation:
"Dude this s--- is wack. Can I just go back to f------ bed?"
"Hahaha those light fixtures up there would be cool to put vodka in, and spin them around. Rainin' booze. Yea know what I'm talkin' bout? Aha."
"So I got a good look at that guy, he is SERIOUSLY yoked. Like lookin' like an inverted triangle. With tiny feet, how the hell does he stand on his skateboard? That dude's just too big for his own good."
"Hey a buddy I know told me which supplements you should take for that. I think estrogen blockers--for sure---and, milk thistle really helps if you're gonna do roids."
"That pizza is not sitting right inside... dang."
They pumped party music in the room and I weakly tried to socialize with the girl next to me but was distracted by a nearby table stacking a tower of plastic drinking tumblers.
Then a gay guy in a glitter hat tried to rally the whole room together and passed the mic to the RA's who were jumping, clapping, and dancing to the Cha-Cha Slide. The whole room of 345 students started dancing like idiots while the welcoming committees ran around the room trying to get shy people to dance. The Jersey Bro started dancing, but the Zoni Bros just sat there and kept saying, "This is stupid." I didn't move or even clap. I just waited for the moment to pass--but as usual with social disasters, it progressed at glacial pace.
"Can we do requests?" said Jersey Bro, "CUPID SHUFFLE..CU-PID SHUFFLE!"
For the next thirty minutes each RA grabbed the mic to introduce the kids on their floor. It was a literal out of body experience to watch clusters of maroon and gold bellow "A-S-U" with grotesque screaming, raging, party faces. Foam pitchforks and fists pumped up and down as they tried to out-do the others. It looked more like a village riot than a freshman rally.
As soon as we lined up to walk to the Well's Fargo Center for a class of 2016 pep rally, I bailed.
ORANGE MALL--ASU BOOKSTORE
Zach Galifianakis stood in isle HST. Not really, but I swear it was him. Pasty skin, bushy red hair, and awkwardness radiating from his frame. He did everything BUT help me; proceeding to crowd my space with a stony silence as I chose my books. Later, he explained the option of textbook rentals:
"So with rentals you get purchase the textbook-- but not for good--you just use it all semester and then bring it back here on December 22nd." So that's how rentals work.
"Thanks you've been real helpful. I'm going to buy my books now, bye."
I'm four paces down the isle when he abruptly calls out, "Have a good rest of the day."
I chose the first table I saw--it looked pretty harmless. There's a laugh!
I met two girls who were also commuters, but they didn't have classes at Tempe. After exploring the exciting world of Conversations with Complete Strangers, my eyes moved to the unexplored part of the table.
A "bro" with diamond ear studs, fake-n-bake tan, sat chatting it up with a girl in a tight ASU shirt, and Amy Winehouse eyeliner. Dear goodness half of my table is Jersey Shore.
Then two more bros shuffled in and sat down next to Mike the Imitation--each with an obviously brand new Sector Nine. These were Zoni Bros. With tans that said, "I sat in the house with the AC on all summer and got burned at Havasu once."
Snippets of the broversation:
"Dude this s--- is wack. Can I just go back to f------ bed?"
"Hahaha those light fixtures up there would be cool to put vodka in, and spin them around. Rainin' booze. Yea know what I'm talkin' bout? Aha."
"So I got a good look at that guy, he is SERIOUSLY yoked. Like lookin' like an inverted triangle. With tiny feet, how the hell does he stand on his skateboard? That dude's just too big for his own good."
"Hey a buddy I know told me which supplements you should take for that. I think estrogen blockers--for sure---and, milk thistle really helps if you're gonna do roids."
"That pizza is not sitting right inside... dang."
They pumped party music in the room and I weakly tried to socialize with the girl next to me but was distracted by a nearby table stacking a tower of plastic drinking tumblers.
Then a gay guy in a glitter hat tried to rally the whole room together and passed the mic to the RA's who were jumping, clapping, and dancing to the Cha-Cha Slide. The whole room of 345 students started dancing like idiots while the welcoming committees ran around the room trying to get shy people to dance. The Jersey Bro started dancing, but the Zoni Bros just sat there and kept saying, "This is stupid." I didn't move or even clap. I just waited for the moment to pass--but as usual with social disasters, it progressed at glacial pace.
"Can we do requests?" said Jersey Bro, "CUPID SHUFFLE..CU-PID SHUFFLE!"
For the next thirty minutes each RA grabbed the mic to introduce the kids on their floor. It was a literal out of body experience to watch clusters of maroon and gold bellow "A-S-U" with grotesque screaming, raging, party faces. Foam pitchforks and fists pumped up and down as they tried to out-do the others. It looked more like a village riot than a freshman rally.
As soon as we lined up to walk to the Well's Fargo Center for a class of 2016 pep rally, I bailed.
ORANGE MALL--ASU BOOKSTORE
Zach Galifianakis stood in isle HST. Not really, but I swear it was him. Pasty skin, bushy red hair, and awkwardness radiating from his frame. He did everything BUT help me; proceeding to crowd my space with a stony silence as I chose my books. Later, he explained the option of textbook rentals:
"So with rentals you get purchase the textbook-- but not for good--you just use it all semester and then bring it back here on December 22nd." So that's how rentals work.
"Thanks you've been real helpful. I'm going to buy my books now, bye."
I'm four paces down the isle when he abruptly calls out, "Have a good rest of the day."
1 comment:
I don't envy you. I survived my own frosh semester hell AND I had to live on campus. I ate a lot of breakfast burritos. Also, renting a textbook sounds an awful lot like buying it and trading it in. Have you looked on amazon? We got deals there for grad school and law school. Serious deals. Good luck on Friday!
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