another new years post

I am sitting in the exact spot as last year--piano bench and laptop perched on the rack.
It honestly does not feel like a whole year has gone by.
But so much has happened.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I have the same amount of maturity now as I did a year ago.  Usually, each year I make improvements by leaps and bounds.
I have collected a certain type of life experience, if you will, and feel more "me" than I could have last year.
With that, comes cynicism.

Downton Abbey countdown:  less than a week--just like last year.

last time my hair was this long

Sophomore--video call with Rachel--Oobi ring--idk

Freshman--sudden realization--found the ring--found the camera--was already wearing the shirt--0.o

I think we are all going to surf in heaven.
My cousins, aunts, uncles, and I.
We will watch a forever sunset in the swirling tide. We will play in the surging waves.

Arizona and California sunsets

dream

How could I not revisit this unexpected moment of my dream.
A dash of a smile, glinting eyes and a wry response. Low, musical rumblings of dialogue. Textured, terra-cotta walls of a nameless place.
Movement and white noise. Fragmented consciousness. Shuffling onto the next thing. Delayed remorse as I said:
You are everything I want; but we could never be anything.

For you I'd wait til kingdom come

Steal my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time has come
Let me in, unlock the door
I've never felt this way before

Christmas Eve

We pulled in at 430 PM. Church was in an hour. Everyone was sandy, wet, and cold. We set timers for three minutes and shoved as many cousins as possible into each shower with suits on. Then everybody was running hair driers and straighteners. Makeup flying. Clothes flinging around. Shouting. Borrowing. Freaking. Combing. Ironing. The circuit breaker only tripped once.

The dog is a toy

Today we are 19 and 7

Happier summers

My cool scottsdale sidewalk surfing uncle

Probably 1990.
Scottsdale
Late night donut run
Headband and blue Vans

Commute

1/8

I survived.
I never thought I would ever type those words.
This is an amazing feeling.
Yet,
I am stunned and do not know how to feel.
Should I celebrate?
I will sleep now.

"I feel like reading a British book that's dark and interesting."
--chooses Wuthering Heights--
Forty minutes later
"Chapter one=???"

"If only..." is a thing that takes up my thoughts these days.
It's a hopeful situation I pine for.
I add new details every day.
I contribute to this projected ideal based on outdated information.
My mind is a microfiche. My reality has been fragmented.
To emerge from this shroud of bliss would be a withdrawl from my progress.
And yet I withdraw six days out of the week. I recollect, and draw upon outdated information. And time inches along slowly. A new day comes, unlike the other six, when that information is transformed into something visceral and pulsating, as I live moment-to-moment ready to pen any possible change or fluctuation to my story of a hopeful situation.

Dust of Snow

By Robert Frost
 

The way a crow

Shook down on me

The dust of snow

From a hemlock tree

Has given my heart

A change of mood

And saved some part

Of a day I had rued.

Break of Day

With all the stress and the strangeness that this semester has brought me, one thing stands out--the commute. For the past four months I've watched the sun slowly shift and change positions in daybreak and twilight. I have witnessed one of the most beautiful sunrises of my life while driving on the 101 South. The sun was just about to emerge from the horizon. The sky was a blend of pastel blues, oranges, pinks, and yellows. The cloud cover was thin like a film. And the mountains were soft in the distance and in varying shades of purple. Then the sun started breaking over the edge and the illuminated the cloud cover.. The mountains framed the sun, and rays of light bounced off the cloud cover as if it were a dome. All the blues, pinks, oranges, and yellows became vibrant. It literally took my breath away. I thought, "Oh this looks exactly like stained glass." And then I realized that stained glass is made to look like the sky.
Laudate Dominum played in the car the whole time. It was too beautiful for words.

To my utter amazement, after this song was over Janine Miller on KBAQ said,
"Praise the LORD, all you nations. Praise him, all you people of the earth." And credited Psalm 117.
What a crazy place we live in now. The nonbelievers are singing beautiful worship songs, and the believers are singing this.
We've gotta get the church back to this music. We need standards, morals, reverence, and repentance again.

"Laudate Dominum"
Praise the Lord

W.A. Mozart, "Vesperae solennes de Confessore" K.339 

I don't know what's happening

I have eaten an average of 600 calories a day this week.
I'm basically starving myself because doing homework is a better use of time. I've just stopped being hungry. There is literally not enough time to accomplish everything in the next 3 days.

5 papers due
2 finals
1 quiz
1 project
Due by Friday.
Oh and I've had Winter Wonder rehearsals all week. 4 performances Thursday through Saturday and 3 services on Sunday. This is too scary.