i n s t a l l a t i o n o n e
"And I've been afraid of changing 'cause I've built my life around you."
-"Landslide" Stevie Nicks
I found myself praying a most surprising payer: to stop living life and thinking "in terms of others."
The mantra of independents is to not get attached to others, or to get lost in their world.
An equally surprising statement--this, "in terms of."
It connotes mathematics:
I see an equation, in all its complexity, but on either sides of the equal sign, remains a dilemma.
"Solve in terms of x," they say.
So I cross-multiply, divide by the reciprocal, or take the square root...and I realie I am symbollically moving heaven and earth to get my solution. Every trick in the book? Deployed for the sake of X.
And isn't that how it should be in life? In relationship?
It's been said that, "humility isn't thinking less of yourself; but instead, thinking of yourself less.
What better way than to use every trick in your book to serve those you need to love?
Like the equation, moving heaven and earth in order to love someone well?
Let me ask you this: if you were to put this into practice, would it be easy to get caught up with thinking about yourself? Not, it would be difficult.
Philippians 2:5 says, "Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others."
We are to esteem others better than ourselves, we are called to think, speak, and live in terms of each other.
We are called to solve for X.
Friday, July 14, 2017
Monday, September 26, 2016
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
Inconspicuously Conspicuous
My journal entries have been bland and grown-up, as opposed to the confusion and delirium of last summer's entries.
The past few months I have not journaled for a specific reason: journaling reminds me of who I am. It ties me down to the constants of "who I need to be" and feeds the monster inside that demands realism and consistency. It encourages over-analysis instead of immersion. It's a barrier to change.
I've immersed myself in surrealism. I've found the adventure within the monotony as I have done for a year. I've seen storms on the horizon, floated on my back on the surface of deep waters. Closed my eyes in the wind. Stood in the crispness of lightning. Allowed heavy drops of rain to fall on me. Aquired new skills. Braved new situations. Cried real tears. Gave thought to many plans. Executed in the moment. Collaborated with bright sparks of people. Tried to wrap my mind and my soul around the pain of others. Tried to give a defense for the reason of the hope that I have.
The peak of the struggle came at the beginning of the month when I had a prophetic dream about __, and showed up to church only to see him and realize: I can't run. As frustrating as the process is, I have to yet again do what I've struggled through for three years; my instructions given by God.
Drop everything and go over to him. Test the waters. Extend an invitation. Pour into him. Listen and breathe in the space we share. Basically, WAIT on him. Do what feels like I'm surpressing my soul for the sake of his. For the sake of my values. For the sake of respect. For the sake of pursuing pure and good ends by the use of pure and good means. So I did. And we fell back into the "way we were." Purposely not talking to each other. Purposely talking around each other. Inconspicuously moving towards each other. Collaborating without speaking. Letting a glimpse shine through before hiding the glory away for good.
And in a blight of courage finally I said, "we need to hang out again; I have ideas."
His eyes alight, "I'll text you."
Four days later he goes on a date with a girl I know, and it's broadcasted all over instagram. I'm sent into another furious tailspin. Hating myself for being in this situation again. Completely unsure for the upteenth time of what to do. How this fits in with my life.
Couple days after that, sending him a casual snapchat. To which he just opened with no response.
Later that week I went to Top Golf with Evan and Brandon. We shot golf balls into the darkness hoping to get one to land in the colorful pits. Giant fans blew against our faces. Between golf turns and tight-lipped sips of water, we commiserated about our adulthood lives. Evan, in a dead-end relationship with years of school and ladder-climbing stretched before him. Brandon, having ended a relationship, in a cycle of bordom and regret. Eve, without long-term goals, and finding herself unable to explain the reasons of this to Evan and Brandon.
On a whim, I took a picture of top golf and sent it to __. "TBT" I said. I sent it to another too, since he was there along with ___ when we all used to hang out.
The next morning, I receive a snapchat from ___. It's a selfie of him and that girl laying on their backs in what looks like wrinkled sheets. She's smiling, and ___ too, only his smile, sadistic.
I'm sorry that he cannot reconcile his feelings to me.
I'm sorry that he continues to display actions without intentions.
Nobody put a gun to his head to say, "I'll text you."
That was a snapchat--at a basal level of friendship--I did not deserve to receive.
It's no longer my job to wait. Friends wait. But what he did to me, was the figurative version of a middle finger to my face. Friends don't do that.
I know what happened in that moment with the picture: I've been in that situation before. He has this alluring way about him, that traps you. You become a puppet, and you hang on, just long enough for him to do something. You think he's leading, but he's really just going through his destructive life and you've tricked yourself into thinking he invited you along. He impulsively pulls out his phone and you smile for a picture as quick as you can. Slightly startled, you take this inclusion into his snapchat as an honor; that you mean something. He then diverts your attention in any way he sees fit, and you hang on, encaptured with the moment.
I know what the message behind this picture means: "Leave me alone."
I know that the inclusion with the girl means: "Look I'm with her. And you're not with me. How's that for a reply to your memory?"
July 22nd I shut the door on our friendship. No longer would I drop everything to engage in the exercise of catering to him. I felt God release me from my instructions of "waiting for him."
I had a new assignment, "don't wait."
In the days that followed I joyfully realized that everything I had ever done towards/with/for/because of __, was exactly what I needed to do. In those three years, everything I did was covered in love, grace, and mercy. It was life-giving, and proof that in the midst of confusion, God WILL make sure you do His will, if you seek it enough.
In the days that followed, I bitterly realized, "don't wait" did not mean "get over him." So I did what I could and I made a new 5 year goal. To enter the Air Force and become a pilot after I earn my degree.
It was a lofty goal, and a lonely one. __ was holding me back from making that decision. And I was sick of having to evaluate my future against such a volatile and risky category.
All I know is the stakes get higher and higher the longer I walk down this path. I'd like to say that I've "let go and let God" a long time ago, but I can't. I've let go so many times in so many different ways that each circumstance makes it feel like I'm learning to let go for the first time.
I've immersed myself in surrealism. I've found the adventure within the monotony as I have done for a year. I've seen storms on the horizon, floated on my back on the surface of deep waters. Closed my eyes in the wind. Stood in the crispness of lightning. Allowed heavy drops of rain to fall on me. Aquired new skills. Braved new situations. Cried real tears. Gave thought to many plans. Executed in the moment. Collaborated with bright sparks of people. Tried to wrap my mind and my soul around the pain of others. Tried to give a defense for the reason of the hope that I have.
The peak of the struggle came at the beginning of the month when I had a prophetic dream about __, and showed up to church only to see him and realize: I can't run. As frustrating as the process is, I have to yet again do what I've struggled through for three years; my instructions given by God.
Drop everything and go over to him. Test the waters. Extend an invitation. Pour into him. Listen and breathe in the space we share. Basically, WAIT on him. Do what feels like I'm surpressing my soul for the sake of his. For the sake of my values. For the sake of respect. For the sake of pursuing pure and good ends by the use of pure and good means. So I did. And we fell back into the "way we were." Purposely not talking to each other. Purposely talking around each other. Inconspicuously moving towards each other. Collaborating without speaking. Letting a glimpse shine through before hiding the glory away for good.
And in a blight of courage finally I said, "we need to hang out again; I have ideas."
His eyes alight, "I'll text you."
Four days later he goes on a date with a girl I know, and it's broadcasted all over instagram. I'm sent into another furious tailspin. Hating myself for being in this situation again. Completely unsure for the upteenth time of what to do. How this fits in with my life.
Couple days after that, sending him a casual snapchat. To which he just opened with no response.
Later that week I went to Top Golf with Evan and Brandon. We shot golf balls into the darkness hoping to get one to land in the colorful pits. Giant fans blew against our faces. Between golf turns and tight-lipped sips of water, we commiserated about our adulthood lives. Evan, in a dead-end relationship with years of school and ladder-climbing stretched before him. Brandon, having ended a relationship, in a cycle of bordom and regret. Eve, without long-term goals, and finding herself unable to explain the reasons of this to Evan and Brandon.
On a whim, I took a picture of top golf and sent it to __. "TBT" I said. I sent it to another too, since he was there along with ___ when we all used to hang out.
The next morning, I receive a snapchat from ___. It's a selfie of him and that girl laying on their backs in what looks like wrinkled sheets. She's smiling, and ___ too, only his smile, sadistic.
I'm sorry that he cannot reconcile his feelings to me.
I'm sorry that he continues to display actions without intentions.
Nobody put a gun to his head to say, "I'll text you."
That was a snapchat--at a basal level of friendship--I did not deserve to receive.
It's no longer my job to wait. Friends wait. But what he did to me, was the figurative version of a middle finger to my face. Friends don't do that.
I know what happened in that moment with the picture: I've been in that situation before. He has this alluring way about him, that traps you. You become a puppet, and you hang on, just long enough for him to do something. You think he's leading, but he's really just going through his destructive life and you've tricked yourself into thinking he invited you along. He impulsively pulls out his phone and you smile for a picture as quick as you can. Slightly startled, you take this inclusion into his snapchat as an honor; that you mean something. He then diverts your attention in any way he sees fit, and you hang on, encaptured with the moment.
I know what the message behind this picture means: "Leave me alone."
I know that the inclusion with the girl means: "Look I'm with her. And you're not with me. How's that for a reply to your memory?"
July 22nd I shut the door on our friendship. No longer would I drop everything to engage in the exercise of catering to him. I felt God release me from my instructions of "waiting for him."
I had a new assignment, "don't wait."
In the days that followed I joyfully realized that everything I had ever done towards/with/for/because of __, was exactly what I needed to do. In those three years, everything I did was covered in love, grace, and mercy. It was life-giving, and proof that in the midst of confusion, God WILL make sure you do His will, if you seek it enough.
In the days that followed, I bitterly realized, "don't wait" did not mean "get over him." So I did what I could and I made a new 5 year goal. To enter the Air Force and become a pilot after I earn my degree.
It was a lofty goal, and a lonely one. __ was holding me back from making that decision. And I was sick of having to evaluate my future against such a volatile and risky category.
All I know is the stakes get higher and higher the longer I walk down this path. I'd like to say that I've "let go and let God" a long time ago, but I can't. I've let go so many times in so many different ways that each circumstance makes it feel like I'm learning to let go for the first time.
Monday, March 14, 2016
I've been living in my mind lately, even though I move about in my everyday activities. If other's don't see it, I know I do. I embody someone who's distracted.
But I would say I'm Providentially distracted.
And I see it
Feel it
Know it
See it's shapeless form on the horizon
Am convinced that this is all God's grace
Grace:
It's as pervasive as the gentle March wind that sweeps yellow Palos Verde flowers across grey pavement
It's in the way that I take hold of a guiding, navigational tool. The curve of a steering wheel; the handlebars of a bike.
It echos into my bones like the organ, choir, brass and timpani at Christ and St. Luke's--one of my highly-regarded memories
It's in the narrative that runs through my brain. The words that I hear, in complete sentences, running through my head every hour of the day
It's in the assurance that what I'm doing now, is for a reason.
It's in the detailed and symbolic dreams in which I've been able to trace patterns over the past few years.
I want to be a 21st century organist. I sense a new world on the horizon; a world where I could be a pioneer, as I don't have much competition. Using my skills as a contemporary keyboardist and classical musician.
I want to get my pilot's license. I've tasted flight and I cannot go back. I don't just want to see sunsets, I want to be in the midst of them. To be in a point of view that is only allowed to a few.
I want to be so comfortable with every aspect that centers around boating, camping, and hiking. To the point that I can be a guide. Able to handle many situations, able to have the skills, knowledge, and experience. To explore this state--city and country--and know the 'special places' that people will enjoy. To bring them to an expansive ridge and see the sunset in their bewildered eyes. To allow their souls to be stricken by creation and think big thoughts, dream big dreams, and pray fervent prayers.
I want to lead and inspire in ministry. I am happy whether or not I'm "in charge." I am more concerned about coming alongside others or helping programs be more effective. I want to pour into the next generation of techs and at College Group and/or youth ministry.
I want to be a producer at any SBC multi-site, and a video switcher at our broadcast studio.
I want to ski mountains, surf waves, travel with my cousins, and experience restorative Minnesota summers.
I want to be paired with someone who has the same dreams. The same common denominator that runs through all these goals. I am not content to just exist in a relationship for relationship's sake. I need to be moving towards something; going somewhere; undertaking bigger pursuits.
I want to be unafraid to publish this post.
But I would say I'm Providentially distracted.
And I see it
Feel it
Know it
See it's shapeless form on the horizon
Am convinced that this is all God's grace
Grace:
It's as pervasive as the gentle March wind that sweeps yellow Palos Verde flowers across grey pavement
It's in the way that I take hold of a guiding, navigational tool. The curve of a steering wheel; the handlebars of a bike.
It echos into my bones like the organ, choir, brass and timpani at Christ and St. Luke's--one of my highly-regarded memories
It's in the narrative that runs through my brain. The words that I hear, in complete sentences, running through my head every hour of the day
It's in the assurance that what I'm doing now, is for a reason.
It's in the detailed and symbolic dreams in which I've been able to trace patterns over the past few years.
I want to be a 21st century organist. I sense a new world on the horizon; a world where I could be a pioneer, as I don't have much competition. Using my skills as a contemporary keyboardist and classical musician.
I want to get my pilot's license. I've tasted flight and I cannot go back. I don't just want to see sunsets, I want to be in the midst of them. To be in a point of view that is only allowed to a few.
I want to be so comfortable with every aspect that centers around boating, camping, and hiking. To the point that I can be a guide. Able to handle many situations, able to have the skills, knowledge, and experience. To explore this state--city and country--and know the 'special places' that people will enjoy. To bring them to an expansive ridge and see the sunset in their bewildered eyes. To allow their souls to be stricken by creation and think big thoughts, dream big dreams, and pray fervent prayers.
I want to lead and inspire in ministry. I am happy whether or not I'm "in charge." I am more concerned about coming alongside others or helping programs be more effective. I want to pour into the next generation of techs and at College Group and/or youth ministry.
I want to be a producer at any SBC multi-site, and a video switcher at our broadcast studio.
I want to ski mountains, surf waves, travel with my cousins, and experience restorative Minnesota summers.
I want to be paired with someone who has the same dreams. The same common denominator that runs through all these goals. I am not content to just exist in a relationship for relationship's sake. I need to be moving towards something; going somewhere; undertaking bigger pursuits.
I want to be unafraid to publish this post.
Monday, January 18, 2016
I feel like a tornado went through my brain.
Trying to understand if I'm just that kind of person that is equal parts joyful, content, inspiring and witty, as she is hopeless, melancholy, skeptical, and introspective.
Sometimes I wonder at my predicament... it's a sort of 'walking depression.' Something totally live-able, but inescapable.
Is this just life? Is this who I am?
Is it just that crappy decade known as your twenties?
~~All I know is that Isaiah 43:19 is a common theme since October. ~~
I know God is going to make a way. There's no solution, and I'm out of ideas.
I'm simply out of the realm of controlling the things in my life that are unpredictable.
I am so excited to see what "rivers" will appear in the desert in which I find myself.
Trying to understand if I'm just that kind of person that is equal parts joyful, content, inspiring and witty, as she is hopeless, melancholy, skeptical, and introspective.
Sometimes I wonder at my predicament... it's a sort of 'walking depression.' Something totally live-able, but inescapable.
Is this just life? Is this who I am?
Is it just that crappy decade known as your twenties?
~~All I know is that Isaiah 43:19 is a common theme since October. ~~
I know God is going to make a way. There's no solution, and I'm out of ideas.
I'm simply out of the realm of controlling the things in my life that are unpredictable.
I am so excited to see what "rivers" will appear in the desert in which I find myself.
Friday, December 18, 2015
Full Circle
Ever feel like your life has been leading up to one moment?
Same.
Things are coming full circle and I'm running toward it with all my might. I'm gaining speed, second by second. And then I realize it's a wall. I'll be obliterated if I hit that wall. No time for doubt or hesitation. No time for fear.
I've gotta clear that wall.
God has taught me so much, God has grown me so much. It was all for this moment; this day.
And with that, I sail forward, uttering a victory cry.
Same.
Things are coming full circle and I'm running toward it with all my might. I'm gaining speed, second by second. And then I realize it's a wall. I'll be obliterated if I hit that wall. No time for doubt or hesitation. No time for fear.
I've gotta clear that wall.
God has taught me so much, God has grown me so much. It was all for this moment; this day.
And with that, I sail forward, uttering a victory cry.
Saturday, November 21, 2015
And they can't forget even if my mind does
My hands told my dreams what to say this time
And I don't want to wake up
Spring is gone and these dreams are but a flame
And my joy slips away, in not knowing what's to come
But I feel in my heart, this distance is for the best
We may only have to wait now
You are who you are in the moments when we reach
And I can't always bridge the expanse
Let's go to the west before we see the rest
I'll wait for you within miles, within days.
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