My initial speculations before the big 'disconnect':

That life would be more interesting,
People, moments, music--clearer
Colors, more vivid
Time--slower in passing
Moments--realize how many there are
Memory--visual perceptions more apt to be seared into the memory.

Suffice it to say, my expectations have been exceeded. Removing all these distractions, has made my week one of the longest, most grueling, fulfilling, lively times since I was a young child.

If you try it, you'll fully understand.

17 days

Audition countdown.

The past couple of weeks have been a blur of never leaving the house, practicing for hours on end, watching yet another beautiful day pass by outside, and cleaning my room when I'm frustrated.

The best thing I could ever do, was deactivate my Twitter and Facebook. I can't tell you how it makes the day worthwhile.

Since listening to nothing but classical, a cantatta or piano concerto is always running through my mind.
This was tonight:



and continued, it won't let me embed it :( I'd love this on a record. MUST FIND IT.

http://youtu.be/O2DL-gKH364

Dad gave me some tips on certain mindsets to have when I'm performing/preparing the audition.  I've let myself get so bogged down with how many mistakes I'm making, instead of how the music sounds and what it feels like to play music.  I'm trying really hard to push out negative thoughts during playing and trying to not dwell on hard measures or parts I'm not confident with.  I'm slowly learning how to bring something new to the table with my performing. Even if I'm the only one in the house...

I really really really really really really don't want to go to school tomorrow. I literally haven't done homework in 3 days. It's terrible to let things slide, but you only get a chance to audition ONCE.
I feel like making a deal with my teachers to let things go until February 11th, and then going back to normal. After all, I'm homeschooled.

So tonight it was either study for an econ test, or write out 2 measures of Rachmaninoff Prelude in Gm 5 times, then drill 2 stations and make recordings of the prelude and the first movement of Beethoven's Pathetique. 90 minutes later, and I must go to bed. Can't wait to wake up tomorrow and fail my test!!!

Process of Elimination

I've been eliminating a lot of things from my routine.
Facebook, Twitter, and popular music.
If I want to listen to something, I'll tune in to KBAQ, or better yet, silence and just stew in my thoughts.
If I want to go on Facebook or post on Twitter, I go into my room and clean it until I don't want those things anymore.
It's been interesting, working all the time and getting rid of habits. I read more--that's for sure. I finished 2 Narnia books for school, (LOL, senior) and right now I'm halfway through 1984 (for fun.)
As for music, I was starting to become realllllllly existential and dissatisfied with life the past couple of months. Since I stopped listening to anything produced after 1920,  I have not felt bogged down.
I think clearer, and appreciate more things.  I talk more on the phone and get a TON of things done in a short amount of time. I don't believe music was ever supposed to become the way it is now.  So many people forget that music has order, yet is free enough from restraint to create.
I think the typical, "intro--verse--chorus--verse--chorus--bridge--outro--fade out" mentality of music-making has turned us into individuals who feed on the present emotion, and brevity of songs yet walk away feeling dissatisfied.  Music should have order, and by order I mean, it should actually go somewhere.  It should accomplish more than a few chord progressions, rhythms and riffs. Instead, it should burst with melody and harmony.  It should introduce, develop, recapitulate, and resolve.

Listen to this and tell me you don't feel intellectual.

...and now I'm sick.
couldn't have come at a more inconvenient time..

at least there's DOWNTON ABBEY.. in less than an hour. egads!

She KNOWS she's not supposed to be on the couch.... Look at those guilty eyes

"After I reached my teens I decided I didn't want to hang out with anyone. I couldn't handle the stupidity."
-Kurt Cobain

reminders

Drama semester just got a little less dramatic.

The epicenter of all drama just asked for my forgiveness.
I blanched. But eventually forgave.
My outlook has changed a little; some wrongs were made right.
It was a long time coming, and now I just so want to move on.

one week

Mom pulled into the darkened parking lot of Mimi's Cafe and immediately I was transported back to the memory of last Thursday.

Last Thursday the 12th, mom and I waited in the parking lot for dad's car to join us for dinner.  I was very conflicted:  I only had 2 letters of recommendation from music professionals for Herberger's application, and they wanted 3.  I thought ASU was out of the option, and doors were going to shut in my face.  I didn't have a clue where to go next.  I never thought I wouldn't get in to my #1 college choice. I couldn't physically think of another music professional to write my 3rd letter.  It was terrifying, and disappointing.


A week later, Thursday the 19th, I sat in the car while mom chose a parking place.  Exactly a week to this very moment, and now I have submitted my application, got accepted, and an audition date is now in place. 


We found a music professional in a close friend of ours from the homeschooling world, and she came to my house, listened to me play, asked a lot of questions, reviewed my literature, and interviewed me.   The 3rd letter--sent, the application--fully completed.  It all came together. God takes care of his children. Even the ones wanting to go to a secular college.

Seriously

I'm considering not using Facebook, Twitter or Blogger for a whole month. I don't know why, but I miss the old days of not checking these things every day or feeling a need to post on them. It'll be hard. I don't like not being in the loop.

numb

I just got an email.
2 days after submitting the application, I am now accepted into the Herberger School of Music.
Yayyyy dream college excitement right? WRONG. I couldn't even enjoy it.  The second I saw the dreaded audition date, I blanched.

February 11th, 2012

Less than a month. I requested March 3rd. I have no words.

barely caught up

It's been a whirlwind here--but a monotonous one.
All I do anymore is practice the piano, do applications, and homework.
It's really not that bad, but I do miss free time. And my clean room.


Drama Semester is starting. Right now I'm watching about 3-4 of my friends involved in the same situations with the same people as I was in last year. It's like deja vu. Only more obnoxious.
Can we all just focus on ourselves for once?


Facebook, texting, electronics are becoming the devil. I have stopped listening to anything that's not classical. I don't know who I'm turning into, but I hope it's not Stylites.


I played in The Venue today for SBC's 50th Anniversary Sunday. I really enjoyed that and celebrating 50 years, listening to stories and looking at pictures. I'll be old enough to someday see the 100th anniversary. I wonder what that will be like!


DOWNTON ABBEY WAS SO GOOD.

Is it just me, or...?

Does last night's sunset look exactly like the record sleeve of my Elton John record?

.....it's scary I thought of this correlation while looking at the sky

rigged

The media coverage/glorification of Romney is sickening and totally obvious.
Whoever the mainstream media endorses, seriously tells you something.
LIberals would like nothing more than Obama 2.0 "Romney" to be our next president.
Don't be the sheep mentality.

Right now I'm torn between Santorum and Paul.  I really like the positions Santorum has. He is so ethical and intelligent and really has a great track record.  Ron Paul, I like that he's not afraid to fight for the constitution. He has some amazing ideas, yet he also has some really crazy ones--like his foreign policy. I will NOT vote for Romney. He is only a RINO, Republican In Name Only. We have to get Obama out of there. But I will not be reduced to voting for 'anyone but Obama.'  Let's not make a bigger mistake when the fleece is pulled over our eyes.

A Good Sunday

Church at 8
Nap for 2 hours
2 hours of piano
2 hours of college apps :((
2 hours of piano
Dad came home from CA. :D
Then 2 hours of Downton Abbey accompanied by a cup of sipping chocolate from Trader Joe's.

Ok. Best episode ever. I can't wait until next week. I love this show.

Tix for Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto No. 3 are dwindling. The colored spaces are empty seats and its not until 5 more months! MUST GO AND HEAR THE WONDER.

Downton Abbey has a companion book. Want.

To discuss the episode a bit:  the man Edith fancies, is he married to the farm lady? Or is he her son/brother. So confused. And I wish they'd get rid of 'different' Thomas. He brings nothing to the table.

The Grind

Went to this place tonight. Possibly the best burger I will ever have in my life.

The people I was with, were all over the age of 21. And I'm an only child so I'm totally used to putting up with adults. But now I am one, so what happens now? Do I join the circle? I don't really want to.
It was a great night, but it had its moments of weirdness. Moments of philosophical dialogue, and bouncing ideas around. Eve, of course, answered right away and with pragmatic points and reasons. It wasn't received well. I don't think anyone knew I was talking. Anyway ....  After the dinner my brain was so fuzzy from all the heavy conversations and topics. I literally felt exhausted trying to keep up. I felt like I just took the SAT.

Adulthood is just not for me

Vivian Maier

"What the Nanny Saw"

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old

I would be....

--"Frail"

Found this today

My mousepad I've had for years. At first when I saw it I thought, HAH that so explains my life right now.
The tip of the iceberg being my college application process and the rest of the frozen behemoth is cleverly hiding under the surface..

Anddd then I read the caption. Vision: Beyond seeing.

I thought of many things. I thought of the sacrifices I'm making and the preparation that's going into my future field of music. That's vision.
Then I also thought of my life now, and what it will be a year from now. It was dismal.
My life, and my friends right now are at a new high. I've never had nicer, or more supportive friends. This has been a great year getting to mesh with new people and just learning to have fun. It's also been drama free. Which is amazing.
I felt kind of sad at this realisation. I'm going to a HUGE secular school next year and will be bombarded by the people, lifestyles, and worldviews that come with it. I can only imagine a lonely, dejected life--socially speaking. I thought, "Wow so basically it's all downhill from here."
At that moment I had a new thought:  Do you trust Me enough to put the right people in your life?
I liked those comforting words from the Holy Spirit. It's been such a struggle as to what I'm going to miss out from a Christian college education. This came at a good time.

I had a dream my mom bought the wrong kind of greek yogurt and I was disgusted. But also on a lazy river when I discovered it. Odd.

Algimantas Kezys

Little known facts about me:
I am not a people person, yet I flourish in group situations. One-on-one just makes me figety and anxious.
I also like to be OUT and DOING stuff. Yet I know my priorities and the second they get neglected, all I want to do is stay at home without distractions.
Suffice it to say, Christmas break has been nothing but a giant waste of time. Well, 67% of break was actual holiday/productive things, but the last 43% has been me, couped up in the house doing nothing, and wasting so much time. I'm not sure how to cope with my laziness while everything is low stress. Pushing myself, and making time out of a crazy schedule is all I've ever known. I'm REALLY looking forward to the game tomorrow and seeing my friends. My thoughts are driving me insane; I need something else to think about besides them.

Red Scale!

I got it developed! Most of the roll was shot because I exposed it to light while I was trying to load it. Only 6 exposures came in, 1 was too blurry and the other was double exposed and the rest of the roll was unexposed. So basically it cost me a dollar a photograph. There used to be a saying, "Film is cheap." I'm pretty sure digital is cheaper.
So I took pics of them with my camera phone. I tried to crop out the table background they were resting on, just ignore that, it's not part of the photograph. And one of them has a glare from the overhead light. It's a glossy print. Ignore that too. This is obviously extremely lo-fi, I can't even use a scanner. ;)
1st exposure: A tiny sprig of a tree growing in an alley in Niles, Michigan. The town where my dad grew up.. Over-exposed about 1 stop.
2nd: An alley wall in Niles. I over-exposed about 1-2 stops
3rd: Trees in the backyard of the house where my dad grew up. The people didn't have a fence...like most mid-westerners...so we just took a few steps into the yard. I don't remember how I took this picture. I'm sure I over exposed. That's the rule of thumb with redscale.
4th: Side of a building in Niles. This time I over exposed using my ISO dial. The film was 800, I shot at 1000.

Sunday!

Dad wanted to see a movie. Sherlock Holmes 2 at 6:00 at Shea 14.  We all loaded into the car and thought, "Hey, maybe our friends, the Reaser's would like to join US for Oregano's later tonight."
We called. Ken answered.
They were in their car....on their way to a movie.....Sherlock Holmes 2.......at Shea 14. Crazy! We decided to sit with them. Incidentally, we pulled up right as they did and parked next to each other.
We ran into 2 more families that night--both with the latter 14U team connection. It was the night to be out, apparently. I got to see one of my favorite people. Robert! We talked Nirvana, of course.

Sherlock Holmes 2 was amazing. I found the action scenes, supporting actors, and dialogue to be exceptional. I wanted more of Holmes and his nemesis. I read ONE Sherlock story when I was 11--*yawn*. It had something to do with a poisonous snake and a way for the murderer to lock a door from the outside... Well now I want to read more!

But the ad for the Batman movie?? Seeing CHRISTOPHER NOLAN in huge white letters made me gasp. The ad was riveting. Not sure about Hathaway as Catwoman. I've never liked her!!! Nolan is so conventional in his female actress choices. Nevertheless, I am so beyond excited for this movie.
In addition to the barrage of commercials we viewed before the previews (go figure) was a tiny ad for Downton Abbey.
It's airing this Sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had no clue. I'm too excited. I don't think I can wait.

Today was loads of fun.  I rollerbladed for 6 miles and then had a great night!