Full Circle

Ever feel like your life has been leading up to one moment?

Same.

Things are coming full circle and I'm running toward it with all my might.  I'm gaining speed, second by second. And then I realize it's a wall.  I'll be obliterated if I hit that wall. No time for doubt or hesitation. No time for fear.
I've gotta clear that wall.

God has taught me so much, God has grown me so much.  It was all for this moment; this day.
And with that, I sail forward, uttering a victory cry.

My hands know what it's like to clasp yours 

And they can't forget even if my mind does

My hands told my dreams what to say this time

And I don't want to wake up

Spring is gone and these dreams are but a flame 

And my joy slips away, in not knowing what's to come

But I feel in my heart, this distance is for the best

We may only have to wait now

You are who you are in the moments when we reach

And I can't always bridge the expanse 

Let's go to the west before we see the rest

I'll wait for you within miles, within days. 

"Burn the Ships"

My piano teacher used this story many times with me to motivate me to get into a mindset of abandoning all safety nets, backup plans, and chasing after my goal, relentlessly.

"Burn the ships!"

In 1519, Spanish Conquistador, Hernando Cortez landed in Mexico on the shores of the Yucatan peninsula. His quest?  Acquire the treasures said to be owned by the Aztecs. 

He had 500, 100 sailors, and eleven ships with him from Spain. Their goal was lofty:  overthrow a powerful empire that had been in place for six centuries.

no big deal right.

ha. where do I sign up?

So he turned to these men and made things simple in one statement that included two options:  Accomplish the goal, or die. And he said it in these simple words. 

"Burn the ships!  If we're going home, we'll go home in their ships."

And because failure was not an option, they succeeded.

I identify strongly with ships (and anything that requires navigation). I know if I was born in an earlier era I probably would have been a sailor.

I have a huge independent/explorer/wanderlust/pioneer streak inside of me.  Sometimes I imagine an alternate life, it exists in the recesses of my mind. It's a solitary lifestyle, but it burns in the back of my mind, in the back of my busy, people-centric, professional ministry lifestyle.  

Shaped by my travels to Massachusetts, the books I've read, the short stories I've written on rogue waves, visiting the Queen Mary, walking the decks of the battleships in Norfolk, the interest I've had in nautical terminology, the two marine biology trips I took to Catalina living on a 3-masted schooner for a week...

In this alternate life, I live in Maine all by myself, operating an old candle-burning lighthouse, on a remote island with only a vessel to get me around.  I'd stay there reading old books by the light of the flickering lamps, sitting up high all hours of the night.  Early morning, stepping through the fog to search for clams on the shores.  Tinkering with equipment in my wooden garage; shafts of light peaking through the old boards.  As the twilight sets in, sitting at a wooden desk with my Ham radio. 

But there's a storm approaching my tiny island:  an ongoing battle with anxiety and fear is coming.

Like a weathered captain leaning up against the railings overlooking the horizon with cautious eyes that have seen a lifetime of close calls, I too have stories of my battles with anxiety. But this next storm is quite the maelstrom; I can tell it's a Category Five.  And my instant reaction is to get supplies, board up my lighthouse, load up my vessel, prepare, brace, protect myself, and escape.

This time I'm going to throw my maps of alternate routes overboard--the maps that have the paths of least resistance.

I'm going to tear down my crow's nest.  The place where I stand and scan the horizon for potential threats, and pain. The place where I ruminate about the past and wring my hands about the future.

I'm going to break my compass of Unattainable Expectations.  The compass that never points due north. 

I'm cutting my sails that are only ever filled with the winds of Fight or Flight.

I'm dismembering my rudder of Avoiding Disappointment.

I'm hacking my Masts of Doubt with a large ax, and then tossing them overboard. 

I'm not just going to annihilate all the navigation portions of my ship, I'm going to burn the entire thing.  I'll be trapped on my island as the unholy waves approach, but I'm ready for it. 

Think of the shuddering that occurs as every brick, every stone, struggles to hold shape as the powerful wave rails against it.  


The chaos, the abyss, the tempestuous nature of the ocean.
The vastness that separates, invades, and conquers.
The unpredictable, angry temperament.
It seems that the ocean and men's hearts have a lot in common.
Two strong and stubborn forces can play the same game.

I have a big God.  If I take the option of failure away, this impossible task can be accomplished by God alone.  And as the powerful waves rail against me, God holds together every brick, every stone; the very fabric of the mortar rooting me to the solid foundation.


So the ships are burned, and I'm bracing for the storm; what is next?

"Hold fast."

Thanks be to God

Everything I've worked for
Dreamed about
Set into motion
Disciplined myself into daily, tedious, diligent work.
Gathering as much information as I could
Documenting as much as I could.

It's all come true.  This week.

Finally, I am working at my dream job, doing my favorite things, with my favorite people.  All things I've been doing for the past couple of years--only better.  My horizon didn't just broaden, it exploded.  And a rush of realizations coming from that blast.  Everything I needed:  confidence, trust, new perspective.  I feel like I've been handed the keys to unlock a room of my house.  A room that's always been there, but I've passed by it all my life knowing 'one day' I could open it.

The celebration barely has a chance to pick up before...new dreams and hopes start bubbling in the background.

Really? You mean there's more?

Here's to the next two years.  I am so hopeful, so joyful, so excited.

poem in the style of pearl jam

Are we as star-crossed as I thought?

I cannot see your face in my mind
Even after a year

Closer than ever before
This time, a chasm of silence between us

I keep telling myself
It's for the best
That I'm gonna spend my whole life
Burning your face into my mind
I'll live for the chance to see it every day

Numb. Standing still.
Have centuries passed?
I've felt a thousand winds whip right through me
How long have I been like this?

Sometimes things that go unspoken are fun in the moment because for once in your life you don't have to be obvious, you don't have to be predictable.  But beware!  Things going unspoken have the greatest chance of being relegated to the world of Things Left Unsaid.  
That is a convoluted place of regret and uncertainty, with no way out but to press forward into a time of discovery; leaving it all behind. 

minnesota

"And I just don't understand why God put me in this place right now.

I know that I'm changing, know that I've changed 

And you're playing a significant role. 

These are the beginning stages, the opening scene.

I don't want to be standing alone."

Belief Perseverance

While studying for my Psychology CLEP, I came across an interesting definition known as "Belief Perseverance."

Belief Perseverance involves maintaining one’s beliefs in the face of evidence that they’re not true.

It's like a filtering mechanism:  being able to ignore new and conflicting information.  Because to believe this new and conflicting information, (regardless if it's true or not) is to enter into confusion and insecurity.

 Believing everything that comes your way, is to rest under anything but the shadow of God's wing. 

Things get more complicated, confusion rages harder, the burden starts digging into your shoulders.... It may be a struggle, but it's just a part of the process.  

Things get simpler, the peace comes in waves, and God's significance rises above the mist....

It may be a struggle, it may be suffering. But it's faith.  It's a holy suffering because this is a suffering that has a final end; a purpose; a point.   

A couple of weeks ago I wondered if I wanted the answer, or if I wanted God's will. And I was living under this impression that the two were diametrically opposed to each other, or separate entities that seek equilibrium--at the expense of each other.  

So far the answer has continued to be, "Keep walking forward on this path. Be strong and courageous. Do not turn to the right or to the left."

Do you know how hard this is to do 

when life screams at you from the right, 

and threatens to pull you away from the left?

Do you know how hard this is to do 

when wave after wave of developments occur?

Do you know how crazy I feel for 

"maintaining my beliefs in the face of evidence that they're not true?"

Marathon Sleepover

Arianna came over on Friday night after ballet rehearsal and did not leave until 7 pm on Monday night. I called it the "marathon sleepover" because she was technically only supposed to stay on Friday night. 

Friday night we stayed up until 5:00 am goofing off listening to music in the kitchen, recording ourselves covering a song, and we story-boarded a whole music video. 

We woke up at 9 so I could drive her to piano lessons. 

It was fun to watch her in piano and to see how her teacher teaches. 

Then we got ready for a graduation party I was going to. I stopped by Walgreens for a card and she bought one too. She didn't know my friend at all, who graduated from ACU, but she became quick friends. 

Then we went to Redemption Church Arcadia for a Citizens and Saints concert. I was not a fan but decided to go and BOY am I glad I went! I never knew I could enjoy a concert so much. I'm totally a fan now. They were so good live. 

Here's some pictures from the foyer of the church--I liked the retro look of it. 

We got a pic with the band and talked to each member for a long time! Full of encouraging words--more than just saying "y'all were awesome--and we ended up learning a thing or two from the keyboardist!

We went to bed again at 5 am because we were too busy eating, talking, laughing, listening to music, and playing piano. 

We went to Redemption Church Arcadia just to mix things up, and heard a great sermon that was full of things we really needed to hear. And the worship leader there used to lead worship at SBC's venue congregation, so we said hi. 

On the way back, I stopped at BoSa donuts because Arianna had never been there. She loved them. 

Then, since I was in Phoenix, and it was a Sunday, decided to stop by the church that used to be the original location of Living Streams Church. I hadn't been there in almost ten years! It was open and there were still a few people left from the service so we went inside the sanctuary and talked to the pastors. It's an Anglican Church now, and I looked around and realized how much was still original--they didn't do a whole lot of remodeling. The pastor said that Living Streams worked it out so they would only have to pay for the property, but not pay interest because they were grateful of the missions work that Christ's Church Anglican was doing. It was cool to look at the cheery, thankful countenance of the pastor, hear him talk about it, and to see how Living Streams passed the baton to the next generation that will occupy this space. 

I'm so glad Arianna was there to listen to my nostalgic moments. I kept telling stories and pointing to the places where they occurred. 

Then we took the scenic way home and ended up on top of this mountain. It's my favorite look-out-point. 

More chilling and eating. 

We watched tv and a special on TV for Memorial Day. I watched in shock and laugher as Arianna stood up and marched and sang along to the Air Force song. Because of her dad's military background, she heard that song growing up almost as much as I heard the Michigan fight song. 

Around 8 pm, Arianna looked at her phone in horror, "I forgot about Christian's going away party tonight! It started 15 minutes ago!" Christian is a friend we've known since homeschooling days. We are also friends with his sister, Bella. So we threw on our church outfits, made dinner really quick, packed a swim bag, put on makeup and left for Walgreens. Which we bought cards for him and wrote them in the car (for the second time that week!) 

We showed up and there were a lot of people there. I played billiards for an hour with my friend Rustin (I knew from homeschooling) and bro'd it up with him. 

Then I got super tired. Probably from the cumulative 5 hours of sleep I had received in the past two days. We ended up hanging out in Bella's room while Christian and all his friends started jamming in the room next door. Drums and bass literally blaring through the walls as Arianna and Bella watched makeup tutorials on YouTube and I read Bella's copy of "Please Understand Me" by David Keirsey. I'm a sucker for psychology books as much as I hate them--they're so interesting. 

We left at 1 and ended up going to bed super late because Arianna was watching the Kardashians and I was finishing that book Bella let me borrow. So I went to bed at 5 am again and woke up at 1 pm. The first time I got to sleep in. 

After making food and doing loads of chores, we went to Scottsdale Quarter so I could return some things. Well everything was closed and disappointed, we went to Dutch Bro's. I didn't order anything but Arianna got coffee for free because the baristas are so nice and sometimes they do that. 

We got home and I did more chores before my parents came home. I cannot tell you how many times I cleaned that kitchen this weekend. I now have a new respect for mom! 

All-in-all, a great weekend. 

This is exactly what I needed. I have been in such a rut these past five months. I don't know if you've noticed, but I've not been in a good place, emotionally. Still dealing with anxiety. God brought me through a lot of storms these past five months, and now that those storms are subsiding, I really needed something to lift me up and out from the swirling eddies. That's what this weekend did. I have a new respect for, "as iron sharpens iron" and to "bear each other's burdens."  I never knew how alone I've been in this journey and how much it helped to walk alongside someone for three whole days. It was great to be around someone who is happy, cheerful, funny, talkative, and spontaneous. All these things got me out of my house--which is a toxic place without people and where most of my worrying is done--and onto some big adventures. Just two single, young girls, cruising around Phoenix and most of Scottsdale, doing things Eve has always wanted to do, but always figured she'd do them "later."

I have known Arianna for years and as she enters this next phase of going to college, I'm able to see things in her that I once dealt with. It's also great how many spiritual conversations we had over the weekend. It's important to have friendship with lost of laughter and fun, but it's also an extra level of great if you can talk about more than worldly things. 

Such an awesome weekend.  

Waiting to emerge from the shadow. 

And every mountain top experience gives way to more valleys. 

Ready or Not...

"It's better to be ready, than to get ready."

This was a quote from one of our lectures given by Colonel Mike Bell in Colorado for the Signature Leadership Capstone.  It's been playing in my head nonstop since mid-March.  In one case, being ready for something is great in leadership.  And it's a great question to ask, "Am I ready? If not, then I will study and get ready and perhaps my chance will come."

In another case, your level of readiness is hard to measure, and there will always be a part of you that is not ready.  That's the part where you learn by doing.  Hopefully, you emerge victorious (whether you win or lose is another question.)  Do you see how paradoxical this quickly becomes?  There's so many factors when you examine readiness.

I think there are many times in life in which you are ready but you don't even know it.  And it takes synchronicity in order to wake you up.  Synchronicity is a state of harmony or congruence; when our lives just seem to fall together for reasons beyond our control.  I love this word, because it describes those moments where you can see evidences of God moving in your life.

So even if you're not ready; you're a lot more ready than you were.
This is a good place to be.

And this is the place where I am.

But I think all this synchronicity is like God saying, "You're ready to move into an area of your life where you don't feel ready at all."

I can't help but confess that I am ignorant of the unknown.  

This is the Johari window.  I saw it in the book I'm reading, The Ascent of a Leader written by Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol, and Ken McElrath.  See the lower right corner in the quadrant? Those are the things that you don't know that you don't know.  See the dotted lines moving into the unknown square?  Well, the more you go through life experiences, learn from others, disclose to others, learn from mistakes--the more that dotted line expands.  And it moves in tangent with the other areas in the quadrant.

Later on in the book is this quote, "God places people he can trust in to the right places at the right time.  He tests and refines them...so that when the right opportunities arise, they are ready for the challenge."

Ready for the challenge.  That is the unknown area; the place where God makes you ready to enter a state of unreadiness.  The refining fire; the times in which His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

And it's okay to feel unready.  

I was challenged last week by the College Group sermon with these scriptures from John 17: 6-11.  In this passage, Jesus prays for His disciples. It's an incredible thing to know our Lord is praying for us.  It's basically God saying that He believes in us.  He is our biggest advocate, wanting nothing but the best for us.

 “I have manifested your name to the people whom you gave me out of the world. Yours they were, and you gave them to me, and they have kept your word.  Now they know that everything that you have given me is from you. For I have given them the words that you gave me, and they have received them and have come to know in truth that I came from you; and they have believed that you sent me.  I am praying for them. I am not praying for the world but for those whom you have given me, for they are yours.  All mine are yours, and yours are mine, and I am glorified in them.  And I am no longer in the world, but they are in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, keep them in your name, which you have given me, that they may be one, even as we are one."

Even when you feel unready, even when you just don't believe in yourself anymore... God is there and He's ready to open more doors, to pray for us, to arrange events, and to do His will.

I am blown away at how much has changed in the past 3 months.

Usually change is something you can only trace in retrospect, but this change was a constant rush--a slight tugging. I could feel it grinding away from the day I bravely prayed for this change.
Now I find myself in a place that is night and day different than when I started, I wonder:  have things really "changed," or were they always heading this direction all along?
Is life a gradual ramp, or a series of platforms and ladders?

Like I said, the process of change was a constant gnawing.
For the whole month of January I was stricken by constant itching. My arms, my legs, my hands, my neck--everything. I could tell it was stress. It all came to an awful peak on the 27th and that's when I stood at my dead end and decided God's way was better.
Anything was better than the mess I was currently making.
I prayed for Vinedresser to prune--despite my hesitancy and fears. I put emotions aside and made a decision to trust and let my emotions catch up with my decision later.
And February was a month where I dealt with my new-found journey of trust.
So many times of the most conflicted feelings. The dissonance of my emotions and my intellect was out of control. Some times I thought I would go out of my mind considering the bi-polar nature of my thoughts. 

I drew near to God and He drew near to me. I believe he was waiting for this the whole time.

"Create A Space"

Here's a paragraph from one of the assignments of my current leadership class.  I went to a leadership summit for my class last week, and this is just something that has changed the way I view almost everything.  And it's something I can apply (and have started to apply) whether or not I'm in a leadership "position."  I just had to share it on this blog.  I will probably write about some takeaways and things I've been applying from this leadership class.  

My biggest takeaway from the Capstone was from the lecture material.  What stood out to me the most, was looking at the world through the lens of "creation, fall, and redemption."  Jeff Myers said, "The very outward working of God is relational.  From the beginning of time He was there."  In the events since creation and the fall, we can see how God's bigger story of redemption is made manifest through the various "small stories" of our lives.  This understanding of redemption affects how I potentially will lead:  It affects how I view people, how I communicate, how I move toward goals, and how I equip future leaders.  Through this lens, I have begun to understand that God gives you organizations for the good of the people, not people for the good of the organization.  It takes self-expenditure (namely, empathy) to work toward the good of people around you.  The best way I can do this, is by creating a space for people.  Everyone has hopes and dreams and those who won't dare to have them, are only that way because their opportunities were stolen from them.  I was challenged at the Capstone by this question, "Can you create a space for them?  A way in which they could have hopes and dreams again?"  I believe God's plan of redemption--through effective leadership--can help people to have hopes and dreams again.  A way to foster individual callings, and unite them together to work toward a vision that will impact everyone involved.
 

Insignificant Significance

Here's a story from a mutual friend on Facebook.  Just a regular equine dentist named Joel, from a small town in Maryland.

It's so interesting to see how ordinary people (that the world would usually overlook) can use Facebook as a platform to share their thoughts, experiences, and stories.  

People who spend lots of time working with their hands, or with animals, or alone on a field; they're doing more than just working--they're thinking.  And these seemingly insignificant thoughts would never see the light of day, unless they shared them.  

Thankful for this story that I read.  Hope you enjoy it too. 

"...went to a farm auction today. The man has decided to retire. I saw him today going down the line starting all the tractors , probably for the last time. 

I met him years ago at an old church we had visited. I made sure I said hello and wished him well. I shook his hand. Felt like sandpaper from all the years of hard work. He walks kind of stooped over now . He tilted his head up ,looked me in the eye. I remember you. Had your son with you. Yes sir. 

I respected his work ethic. How many times had he climbed up and down off those tractors through the years. How many countless hours spent alone in the fields. How many cold mornings like today. I asked him how many years he had farmed ? All my life. It's all I know. I thought this man has worked hard all his life. And now it's going to all be gone. Nothing left but the memories. How would people remember him. Would he be remembered as a man of integrity. Would he be remembered as a Godly man , a good person. Somebody that would do anything for his brother.

I had seen an old tractor there. One my dad owned when I was a boy. It meant the world to me when I was allowed to drive it alone. I remember the joy I felt when my dad admired the straight line I had plowed.

I left the auction early. Didn't feel right obtaining stuff that belonged to this old man.

In a way I was sad for him.

I went to sheetz for some sandwiches and milk. A young man with orange hair pulled up. A little girl I guess his daughter got out with him. I stood back and opened the door for them. I felt different.They thanked me as I walked into the store . I had my old jeans and mud boots on. An old beat up cowboy hat that had seen many storms. I noticed too maybe i was stooped over and tired from standing on the cold damp ground. At that moment I realized I'm getting older, like the man who sold his farm.

I realized I too I won't take anything with me.
I hope I'm remembered as a good man , a Godly man , someone who would do anything for his brother.
I thank God for my upbringing on a farm. It grounded me at a time I needed it . I pray the family farms never die. I pray that old man can enjoy his remaining years.
It's not what we take but what we leave behind."
.

white flag

"Here I am again with the fear at my back;

Terror that grips me.

The eyes studying the eyes in the back of my head.

The heightened awareness, burgeoning on panic.

I receive Your rescue and promise of peace.  

It is more powerful than the schemes of the devil.

Hide me in the very shadow of Your wings."

My life has been a mess ever since I caught a glimpse of a new dimension. A gateway to worlds unknown.  My only consolation is the passing of time, and watching slowly and painfully as things improve for the better 

Yet as they improve, I can feel myself hurtling toward what I believe to be a final end to everything. Everything I've ever known, all my steady absolutes in life, my constants, the world I have so carefully created without regard to a potential crisis. 

I cannot stand my maddening emotions anymore; the conspiracy of my rational thoughts. The war raging on in the space between my ears. I'm crippled in silence and beat down by the unknown. And time allows me to be pushed gently into improvement, I sink into the safety of it all. Sinking and floating. 

I emerge once more and the slow crescendo starts again.

The war picks up where it left off.

Time-Lapse Video

https://vimeo.com/121523148

One of our orchestra members does photography as a hobby and he put together some time-lapse footage from Arizona. Next thing you know, our production team at SBC got a hold of it timed it to the song, "God You Reign" and it played on the screen as we sang it in church this Sunday. It was humbling and beautiful to behold. I love seeing how aspects of production can enhance the worship experience. And this is just another example of magnifying God's glory in creation. What a great thing to be able to *see* it while standing in church, lifting our voices in song. 

Friday Night Friends

It's so crazy to find myself in the center of a group of people that I truly enjoy. Sometimes social situations make me feel like rain-man, or the odd one out, but these people inspire me, challenge me, and make me laugh. I love their hearts for God as well as their willingness to serve each other. We can have a good time too, and some of my fondest memories this year have been goofy, random, spontaneous things. It's necessary to have some people on hand that you can be comfortable with, and don't feel like you have to hold yourself back or feel afraid of showing your true self. 

 

Quote of the Week

"My feelings are not God. God is God. My feelings do not define truth. God’s word defines truth. My feelings are echoes and responses to what my mind perceives. And sometimes - many times - my feelings are out of sync with the truth. When that happens - and it happens every day in some measure - I try not to bend the truth to justify my imperfect feelings, but rather, I plead with God: Purify my perceptions of your truth and transform my feelings so that they are in sync with the truth." --John Piper
"Desiring God"