Four Letters: MTBI and SIMA and the Past Eleven Weeks of My Life

The Lord has me in the place right now to learn by integration.

By integration, I mean, "the act or process of making whole or entire." When you can recognize and apply something in multiple facets of your life.
I am pretty strong in interpersonal skills and have known this through my life.  I'm not sure if it has to do with being an only child, but I'm able to understand what people want, what they want to say, what they're saying, how they're saying it, and then able to make conclusions, or a course of action based on the information I've gathered.
I just finished an online, accelerated, Signature Leadership course on Christian leadership theory and practice. I will link it here.  It was taught by Dr. Jeff Myers, president of Summit Ministries.  It's offered through my school, CollegePlus, and if I take all three courses and attend the on-site capstone in Colorado, I will get a certificate  in Signature Leadership and have something to show on my resume.
All I can say is WOW. The class blew my mind with information, stretched and challenged me, gave me direction and insight about leadership. I highly recommend this course.
It was tough, having to do a semester-long class in a third of the time, but I learned at the right pace and could recognize things happening in my personal life that overlapped and aligned with this class.  It was more than a coincidence, it was loud and obvious enough for me to say, "Ok God, I'm listening."
I just LOVE when this happens. When I see integration happening around me, it's a true sign that I'm learning something of value.

Lately, I've made friends with people my age, (I know, isn't that shocking.)  We are comprised of musicians, worship leaders, A/V techs, Bible majors, former-homeschoolers, etc.  We hang out after College Group on Tuesday nights.
It's the first friend group in my life that's made of people that I didn't already know from the past.  We are all so completely different, yet it works.  This group is full of lively, gregarious, creative, supportive, intellectual, and witty people that have quickly become some great friends.


This one kid in the group--let's call him, Horatio--has brought up the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator every Tuesday since September 2nd.  I joined the group on September 2nd.  Great timing.
When he's not studying four languages or playing six instruments, he's interpreting and verifying test results for actual MBTI assessments.  Great.

Initially, he got my type wrong.  (According to what I knew from taking one of those online imitation-MBTI tests over the summer because everyone was doing it on Facebook.)
So by the next week, he made his case on what my actual type was.  I told him he was still wrong, but he insisted that he was right.
I had a hard time believing the type he told me.  I rejected my type because it was basic, it was typical, it was not a type that is usually attributed to smart people.  I didn't like my type and I didn't think it defined me as correctly as I wanted.  Just having him correct me and insist that I was this other type was infuriating.  He was right--I could see that--but I just hated being this 'basic white girl' type.  I knew there was more to me.  Every introspective test I had ever taken always produced mixed results.  I've seen a pattern in my life that shows me to be a combination of everything--very moderate and well-rounded.

At week three, he divulged that I was his exact opposite; all my strengths were his weaknesses and all his weaknesses were my strengths.  I found this to be divisive right off the bat and from that moment on, it was like trying to not think about purple elephants. Now I was constantly noticing what was different between us; whereas, if I hadn't known we were 'opposites' I wouldn't have cared to look.
I hated feeling like I was being studied under a microscope, put in a box and labeled.  I felt like the deck was stacked against me, as now it was harder to get to know people on a deeper level because everyone's corresponding four letters were already ingrained in my mind.  We had all been 'typified.'
Others in the group accepted their types and moved on.  A few even voiced dissent by presenting inconsistencies or preferences, but all around moved on.
I could not.
Since he brought it up every single week I couldn't escape it.  I had to process.  And I process by talking.

Week four I plastered an annoyed smile on my face and refused to respond or provide Horatio with any more information that could be used against me. On week five I mistakenly flew into an emotional flurry of debate--which seemed to excite him even more.  And it didn't help that he would say things like, "That's exactly how your type responds to this." Or, "Such an SJ thing to do...."
I decided to do more research and get more information.  So I read a few articles online and a critique called The Cult of Personality Testing.
Armed with a few more bits of information, whenever it was brought up, I was able to engage in discussion--this time with a more rational and inquisitive approach.  But it didn't matter, because I was still internally conflicted about the whole MBTI concept.
Every time I talked to Horatio, it was like taking two steps forward and one-and-a-half steps back.  I felt like this subject was never going to go away. (NOTE:  we're in week eleven and it hasn't.  However, a few friends around us have begun to show signs of weariness with the subject, and slight annoyance that it keeps being brought up, so this tells me there's light at the end of the tunnel.)

Once week six rolled around, I had been immersed in a barrage of class assignments for my leadership class that required us to take tests and assessments such as; Multiple Intelligences, SIMA, and spiritual gifts.  GAG ME!! The MBTI--and Horatio--had completely overshadowed my interest in wanting to learn more about myself.   Yet, to get the grade, I trudged through the assessments anyway.

When I read the book for my class, Finding a Job You Can Love by  Ralph T. Mattson and Arthur F. Miller Jr., I was renewed once again.  It is written from a Christian perspective and includes an assessment called SIMA that is a great alternative to the MBTI.  In SIMA (System for Identifying Motivated Abilities) you are able to discover your unique design given by God.  You take the assessment based on things in your past--things you consider to be an achievement. It helps you recognize your motivations, your abilities, and your motivated abilities..  In an interview I heard with the author, he said in the 30 years of working with individuals, churches, corporations, and organizations, he never found the results of two assessments to be the same.  Everyone has a unique Motivated Ability Pattern.

During week six, I influenced five people to purchase the book and read it for themselves. I began to recommend it to everyone I could.  In fact, a friend asked me to help him walk through the book,  take the SIMA, and help him understand the results. I will probably do this in December.

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The timing of Horatio, and my own class assignments with assessments was definitely an example of learning by integration.  It's taken me a long time to process--but it's been fascinating.  Here are a few thoughts, questions, and opinions I have about personality testing--mainly the MBTI:

What is the tool of measurement?
To evaluate, we need criteria.  What is this tool of measurement that we are using to measure the dynamic human personality? Since the results provide a list of  strengths and weakness, is there an ideal in mind that we are being measured against, such as an 'EINSTFJP?'  Is it fair to measure people according to an ideal that does not--and cannot--exist in nature?
Which percentage of these four letters are we employing at a given time, and can we accurately measure the ebb and flow and intensity within?  Do we need to consider the nature of scenarios in which these cognitive functions play a predominate role?  Do scenarios even need to be considered? Can someone be predominate in something that is not manifested in a tangible way?
I see this as just another example of people trying to create a better man. In fact, most personality tests were created for the ultimate pursuit of a Utopian society.  Take a look at history and you'll quickly see there's not such a good track record when it comes to the whole "pursuing a Utopian society" thing.

Results:
The test--at best--only highlights behavioral and cognitive patterns that are shared between people.  Yet results in unbridled application.  People see this as definite and exacting, when it shouldn't be viewed in that way.  It's human nature to want to know more about ourselves, and it's partially the American dream (and an Aristotlean school of thought) to note our weaknesses, assume our strengths will always be strengths, and spend a significant amount of time trying to bring our weaknesses up to the same level as our strengths.

Amusing:
Reading about the types online gives a very 'horoscope-y' feel to the MBTI.  In fact, I once had a friend pick out a description of a type, I was under the impression that it was my own type, however, I couldn't see the four letters.  When she revealed the letters, I realized how much I had identified with this type while under the impression that it was my own.

Applications:
People may limit themselves because of this:  "Oh I can't lead because I'm extremely introverted." Or, "Music is the opposite of what I should be doing, yet here I am," "I can't seem to be on time or make goals because of my NT tendencies."
People also focus on what makes us different from each other.  We may even try to bring up their weaknesses to the same level as our strengths in order to grow them, or to irk them, i.e. "She is such a SF, that I think I broke her brain with my logic."

Consider:
Ralph T. Mattson said it best when he questioned how something can be a weakness if it was never a part of a person's design to begin with.
To paraphrase Dr. Myers, "Should we devote time to concentrating on our weaknesses and try to develop them? Or should we not take our strengths for granted, but instead take time NOW to develop them into the ways God designed them to be?"
What I keep wrestling with, is the whole ambiguity of strengths and weaknesses.  Can we really be sure that something is a weakness? Maybe we are actually strong in it, but in a hidden way, and it will take a situation to develop it.  Maybe we are strong in areas that are very difficult and take a lot of effort and strife--are they strengths or weaknesses?  Does something need to be easy to be a strength?

How then shall we live?
In order to keep myself from going completely crazy, I have come to a few conclusions on how I will live my life now that I've been through this rollercoaster process of assessments.

I WILL:  See people as dynamic and not static.  I will continue to trust in the sovereignty of God and pursue his plan of redemption, and how His plan works by interacting with others.

I WILL:  Develop my own gifts and talents as revealed by God, the Bible, and the affirmation thereof found in my SIMA results, and not MBTI.

In times when I'm conflicted because all I can think about is purple elephants (when all I notice are differences between me and someone else)  I WILL:  Realize that there are many more things in common between me and this person, than differences.  I am only choosing to concentrate on the differences.  I will see that although someone is 'weak' in certain areas, that they are only 'weak' when being compared to something or someone else.

In order to see 'weaknesses' in light of His design I WILL:  realize that they may very well be strengths.  The amount or extent of them is completely irrelevant.  Now instead of seeing differences between us, I only see shared strengths.  This opens an opportunity to grow each other.  After all, "as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another," (Proverbs 27:17).

I am excited to see future opportunities in which I will affirm other's gifts and designs by helping others grow.
The best way to help others to grow, is by working intrinsically.  By working in a way that is natural, that works with God's design, that is devoid of an agenda to mold someone into something they are not.

A closing word of hope:
As much as I'd like to stand here and say that Horatio is my opposite, and gets on my nerves, I can't help but recognize how much he has grown me as a person.  This leadership class, friend group, integration,--is definitely from the Lord.
I recall a time that happened last week in which I sat for over two hours with Horatio in discussion.  I feel as if a part of my brain had been awakened and affirmed.  "As iron sharpens iron..."
Those two hours weren't easy though, there were many times in which I would try to see things from the perspective of his Myers Briggs type, or phrase questions in ways that I think would make sense to him.  That almost always ended up in some kind of disconnect or dissonance.
When I worked with my design (according to SIMA), by listening and sharing what I thought (without purposely mincing words), it was less like swimming upstream, and resulted in progress and a sense of flourishing.

Ballet Show

Spring Performance with the Rena Backer School of Ballet:

This was the first time I had performed en pointe, and the culmination of ten months of ballet after an eight year hiatus.  I cannot believe how much I have fallen in love with ballet.  I love analyzing movement to get the steps correct, I love making things look effortless and seeing movement and art combine, I love the mental discipline that goes into preparation, I love the costumes and makeup, I love the way dance is phrased to classical music.  I enjoy ballet so much and am so glad that I am doing it again. Ballet has helped me become a better pianist, conductor, and organist.  With all that goes on with the right and left sides of the body, I have been a better multitasker and it has helped me in cueing/cutoffs in conducting and has helped me in pedalwork for the organ.  Being able to phrase, express, and move has helped me breathe new life into my interpretations in piano as I can see music is more than what you hear with your ears.

I was freaking out a week before the performance as I was forgetting choreography, getting last minute changes to choreography, adding things to the finale, and falling out of turns and other technical things.  I basically made up my mind that failure is not an option and stayed after class to go over things with Rena.  During the dress rehearsals I would find every spare time to 'mini-drill' (a technique I learned in piano) the movement into my muscle memory.
It paid off because by showtime I was having the time of my life dancing and expressing the music.
I did not expect to be sweating buckets or dehydrated after our seven minutes on stage before running back for a quick change.  I sucked down water and wondered if I could make it through the first act.  It was extremely hot on stage and I guess I forgot that little detail since the last time I danced.
My mom and dad, grandma, aunt, and cousin watched me dance and I was so glad they came.

My Big Break

I called today's rehearsal my "big break." And it was one of those moments when the second it left my lips, I knew it wasn't the right thing to say. It seemed so wrong to use words that make it sound like I'm capitalizing on a situation that involves serving at church.


Yesterday around noon our music director called me and asked if I would like to fill in for our pianist to rehearse with the orchestra.  I immediately accepted and started practicing, as this was a huge task.  I had to learn the piano accompaniment for this syncopated, rhythmic, African/tribal sounding choir anthem of "All Creatures of our God and King" in less than 27 hours.
I am incredibly surprised at my skills and how they have progressed over the past year.  I am really thankful I was able to put it together and was totally confident I could play under the direction of a conductor (something I'm not particularly used to.)
I called it my "big break" only because our most reliable pianists/church musicians play with the orchestra.

On my way to church today I was listening to the recording of the song just to finalize the tempo in my head.  I heard the third verse and some lyrics stuck out to me so poignantly, so I decided to pray:

"Let all things their Creator bless
and worship Him in humbleness."

I prayed that God would let me worship Him in humbleness tonight at rehearsal.  And like the trees, flowers, vegetation--and other things I was passing by in my car--who constantly point upwards and proclaim God's Majesty and power, that I would be able to do the same using my talents of music.

Rehearsal was going well, and although I was a tad bit timid, it was because of acoustics and things that were vying for my attention:
 the whole string and woodwind section behind me playing up a storm, and the fact that I constantly had to adjust the levels on my in-ear monitor so I could hear myself--we didn't have a DRUMMER and our percussion section didn't know their parts yet.
I had to softly click to myself with my tongue "ONE e and ah TWO e and AH three e and AH four and..." in order to get the syncopation right.  There were also these ten crazy measures of transition/modulation to a key in 5 flats, and I was so glad I had memorized that part because with all the things happening around me, I wouldn't have been prepared at all. Especially since we didn't have a drummer, everything was much slower and I had to constantly keep time in a tempo that was slower than the one I had prepared.

The song is pretty majestic and thrilling. It's our last Sunday of the choir and orchestra season, and it's the Sunday when we concentrate on our mission efforts in Tanzania so we chose this one accordingly.

Troy had asked our choir to fill into the worship center to watch a video that we have requested to see for the past four weeks.  The choir filed into the pews as our orchestra rehearsal was wrapping up with the 'big finish' of "All Creatures..." and I was really trying to get the ending down.  I couldn't help but smile at the fact that the whole choir was listening to US and watching US, and was probably pleasantly surprised that I was playing the piano. I was glad they could see and hear it/me.

Later, when running the piece with the whole choir and orch, I had sat down the play and was about thirty measures in, when our regular pianist came along side me and started untangling her headphones.  She said we should swap.  I was confused and trying to play and can't really talk and play. I didn't know when this would take place but was mildly horrified at the prospect, would she change places with me DURING the song?! 
Yep.
Once she got those headphones in, she said "Let's switch." My mind was scattered as I stood up; she circled around the bench and said as I was walking, "You can play the string reduction.. right?"
I basically did the walk of shame in the midst of the song as I turned around and faced the string section, and the sopranos and tenors and felt embarrassed.  I felt bad for hesitating so much when she initially mentioned the switch. Part of me was alarmed, as I am not in the habit of jumping up and leaving the piano during the middle of the song, and part of me wanted to stay and play the darn thing that I had put about 4 solid hours into learning and polishing for this thirty minute rehearsal!
I tried not to fume as I stood behind the keyboard searching for my string patch, and then returning to the piano to gather the sheet music I had left on the rack.  By the time I got back to my station the song was half-over.
I tried not to fume as she played the parts that I could picture in my head. I tried not to fume as I stood behind the keyboard sight-reading some music that I couldn't make heads or tails of.  My fingers seemed to want to play the piano part that I had rehearsed.
Then the words came rushing back to me in a pang, "And worship Him in humbleness."
I realized this was my "humble" moment that I had prayed for in the car. I prayed that God could help my emotions catch up, as I accepted that it was time to be humble.  Yet I couldn't shake the sullen feeling that had been with me since I noticed her approaching me behind the piano.  So I started to study her face and how the stage lights were catching in her eyes and tried to tell myself that she was still the nice person I have known for three years.  Someone who I respect very much.  This WASN'T personal, and that I need to stop taking it personally. Everyone's just trying to do their job.  Gradually the feelings subsided.
After rehearsal our music director came over to me and gave a big smile and reassuring shoulder-pat and said, "Thank YOU for rehearsing with us tonight, you did a great job."
That made tonight worth it.

Orchestra

Since the later part of January, I have been in the SBC orchestra. I wanted to give my voice a rest even though there's nothing wrong with it.

YES I went to the laryngologist and he says I strained my voice and I should take voice lessons to retrain the intrinsic patterns of singing. (Duh) I mean I could have diagnosed myself but I just wanted to be sure. 

This being said, I would like to keep singing to just Sundays and for only 5 minutes. This would be impossible if I were still in choir.

Even though I miss choir -- and mostly my field study of choice, the Choir Rehearsal -- I am really enjoying orchestra more than I thought I would. 

I've played keyboards in the band before with Sandee but in orchestra, we are on for 3 out of 4 Sundays. And since orchestra and choir are only there for two out of three services, that makes me part of the band. I'll need to learn 4 songs for corporate worship, learn the string reduction or harp part for the offertory, and the songs for communion later, or elder's fund offering, or baptisms. Some days we are up to learning 7 songs for Sunday. 

I am learning LOADS about chord structures, sequences, patches, part-playing, and voicing when playing the synthesizer or string reductions. I've become more familiar with the synthesizer I'm using -- even though it has tons of buttons.  

Until now, it has been Sandee playing the three keyboards (I think for the past 15 years) and now it's Sandee and Eve. I feel a bit bad for jumping in, and sometimes I feel like I'm not needed. But I'm learning a lot, and Sandee is going above-and-beyond to make sure I know what I'm doing.

Sandee took this picture during rehearsal and posted it on her Facebook (oh for cute). And that is Cristine in the back, she is part of the rotation sometimes too.

Our worship pastor and two of volunteer organists going on a tour of the new chapel site. Sandee is the one in sunglasses. 

Sandee and me playing on Sunday (morning rehearsal). I should I have raised my music stand a bit now that I think of it, I look like the hunchback of notre dame. 

Sandee says she will teach me a little bit of the organ when the chapel is built. 

I am so excited for that. Partially because I love the organ and partially because the organ we are getting is a hybrid -- with registrations sampled from organs from around the world. I have heard samples of these online and closing your eyes you cannot tell the difference. I am so psyched to hear sounds of majesty from the organ. 

So it's been really great getting to know Sandee and now serving with her on Sunday's. she's just one of many people at the worship ministry I have become friends with. I realize that my "colleagues" in my life right now are not my same age range or in the same major map or sorority as me. No, I'm in the school of life; my colleagues are directors, arrangers, singers, violinists, handbell ringers, percussionists, etc. and they're also parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, husbands, and wives. These people are my friends right now. I can't tell you the last time I hung out with someone my age anyway. 

Psalm 150

Last night we had our annual Psalm 150 night of music and worship.  A visiting Christian university, Northwestern University, came to play with our choir and orchestra.  I have never seen the stage so full of musicians in my whole life.  And the sound was tremendous. 

The night was full of choir anthems ranging from classical to gospel.  We had two hymn-sings, a medley of about 11 hymns, with the congregation as they were old SBC favorites.  Most of these hymns I did not know, as they were popular in the 60's-80's.  DEFINITELY not the Lutheran and Episcopal hymns I'm familiar with. But nonetheless, they were touching.  I really liked seeing the older families in the congregation singing with gusto, and even an elderly gentlemen wiping his eyes. 

We had small ensembles and solos.  Men's gospel quartet, solo oboe and strings for "Gabriel's Oboe" and John and Mary Giger singing opera.  Kateyln MacIntyre-sister of Scott MacIntyre-- sang "Rejoice! O Daughter of Zion," from Messiah. That was my absolute favorite.  Tammy Reimche, our pianist, blew my hair back with her piano transcription of Messiah to accompany Katelyn.  I was tickled to see Baroque music so popular with the congregation.  I really wish there was a recording of last night, because it was all beautiful.

A video I made

Last Year Email

I had originally wrote this to my piano teacher to keep him posted of what was going on at ASU school of music. 

SO crazy to think that was a year ago. I honestly believe that the second after graduation, time moves from glacial-pace to "out-of-control-was-that-really-a-year-ago-already" pace...

All I can say is WOW. I am blown away at the difference a year has made. 

In mid-January, I felt that the school needed to 'break' me; that I needed to conform.  I have accepted the reality of emerging from music school as a shadow of my former self. 

I can only marvel at one thing:  I worked so hard to get here and it was turning out to mean nothing to me. There isn't a lot of life here, joy, wonder, dignity, or anything of true substance.  I am  in the prime of my education, wanting so desperately to learn and soak up as much as I can.  But instead feeling like a dry sponge in the desert.

Moral relativism has extended to the realm of music. Most of the time during music education technology lab we spend minutes watching, listening, and examining various youtube videos and deciding just what is musical about it. Last week we watched a video of the sounds of powertools (chainsaw, drill, cement block falling from a ledge) edited together to make a song. Then we discussed why it's music or why not. Of course, I could not stand the braying of the sheep in the class bleating in one, monotonous post-modernist tone, I spoke up and called it 'musical novelty.' I stopped short of likening it to a novelty--such as the prize you receive when you play the claw machine at the bowling alley--I mean, I kind of want to make some friends here.

As for piano lessons:  it's very hard learn from someone who is only 7 years older than you--working on a doctorate and has spent his life doing nothing but competitions.  At this stage, apparently, one develops groundbreaking methods and forces students to comply and be lab rats.  

My understanding is, nobody does the 4:2 method, or writes anything anymore.  You should hear the methods they push on us, I just nod my head, ignore, and continue to read, drill, play slowly, write, isolate, use chord identification...etc.

I've been getting amazing grades conducting.  I'm really excited about conducting.  Our professor for conducting is a really engaging, old-fashioned, and patient man by the name of Wayne Bailey.  He is honestly the only professor I've seen here who has some sense.  

I have been taking things week by week, and even moment by moment--like the hymn. So I just kept putting one foot in front of the other,  waking up and driving to Tempe, pushing a pencil back and forth on paper, and moving my hands over the keyboard.  And here I am now:  February 10th. I cannot guess what will happen next. I am thankful for the SBC music ministry as wednesday night rehearsals and sunday mornings are the only things I look forward to during these monotonous weeks. 

When Storms of Life Assail

We are singing this song on February 2nd at church. It's arrange for piano, strings, and SATB. I found an even better version of it on youtube completely acapella.
I love acapella and am so impressed at their ability to stay in key. It's so easy to slip down a couple of microtones as time progesses in the piece.  They truly have amazing blend.