Sidelined

This is something I had written in the beginning of November but never quite finished:

I remember training for many things.
In 10th grade after a very long hiatus, I trained for 9 months to play softball again.  I remember how stressful that was, and exhilarating. My dad was the coach and was very hard on me, I trained with all his club teams whenever I had the chance--13U, 14U, or 18U.  At 16/17 years old, I basically did not have pride anymore and had already embarrassed myself more than I possibly could.  Yet I made it and had a stellar season, I even joined a premier club team that summer as a developmental player and had teammates that played Chaparral varsity softball.
I remember the bruises from getting hit by pitching machines, my own foul ball, creating a ramp with my glove in the infield and the ball hitting me in the nose, or getting it in the face with a dropped fly ball. I remember the sore muscles, the awkwardness of dropping a ball in the process of THROWING it from the outfield (in the presence of 15 year old guys) I remember pulling my hip flexor, pulling it again, then pulling my groin, damaging my lungs and wheezing for a month after working out too much in 50 degree weather. I also remember crying during numerous training sessions when I just wasn't getting it right and dad was yelling to:  Do what he asked, or something different, but NOT the same wrong thing over and over and over. I remember being frustrated that I couldn't do it, but all these feelings went away during a really good practice when everything was in the right order, I had total control of myself mentally and physically, I was throwing well, making plays, and imagining myself as Paul Goldschmidt or other players like Dustin Pedroia.

I remember preparing for the ASU audition and approaching the whole thing with the wrong mindset. I was basically embodying perfectionism, not a scent of artistry to be found. I was simply a fear machine, getting emotional at every mistake and wondering if that mistake would somehow, someway, no matter how many times I drilled it out or wrote it out would make it into the audition.  Then after failing my ASU audition the damaging mind games continued if not, became worse.  I still don't know how I passed the audition the second time.  I devoted myself to applying my teacher's methods for my first semester of college.  I would show "them" how well a Bardin Music Student could succeed. And that's just what I did. I began to completely understand music and musicianship.  You cannot do it without discipline or the relentless pursuit of accuracy. I know that now because I lived it out in practice.

This summer I got back into ballet after not dancing for 7 years.   I did a  little summer intensive with Arianna and was able to get myself back into shape and pull up my technique from the cobwebbed corners of my mind.  I watched every youtube video I could get my hands on, I devoured information, I analyzed movement, I studied dancers on youtube, I listened to music in a different way, I memorized dance steps and combinations.  It took me a few months to listen to my body and find the best warmups, or ways to communicate a correction to myself and apply it. I worked very hard and even pulled most of the muscles in my hip from not being very smart. I couldn't dance for 3 weeks until it healed.  I have made so much progress in dance and am now taking classes at my old studio once a week. I was also in the dance finale for Winter Wonder.

So the previous stories above were moments in time where I had to strive after a goal and the progress I made and my process to accomplish those goals.  I had a lot of moments where I was sidelined by some sort of injury.  In softball and ballet, all I could do was observe practice/class and ice and rest.  In piano, I just had to keep practicing every day and allow time to heal my damaging mindsets; recognizing they were destructive was the first step.

Well now I am sidelined by something so foreign to me.  It is the most hurt I have experienced because it's a different kind of pain.
I was in three different singing ensembles, SBC choir, ASU choir, and a small group singing an original work for recording.  On Wednesdays my rehearsals to all three were on the same day and in the same 5 hour time slot.  I went to a wedding in October and found my voice gravelly and overexerted by talking over the booming music that accompanies wedding receptions.  I had a choir performance that week and more rehearsals and singing for church.
I sang anyway.
Then I found my voice to have less control and my larynx and the muscles in my neck straining.  I had another performance and more rehearsals the following week so I sang for those too.  Well my voice finally gave out. I can't even sing anything higher than the A above middle C without feeling like my throat is being stabbed by a blunt object.
I have put myself on 'singing rest' since that night.  I have not sang at all. I do hum sometimes but only for 10 seconds a day.  Then I got a cold and it's leaving my voice gravelly and unmanageable. I am NOT even attempting to sing until the post-nasal drip is gone. If it hurts to sing, singing with a cold is only exerting more energy.
_______
Now, here we are and it is almost January. I fear I have done some damage to my voice.  It is such a shame really, I was JUST given the information of a great voice teacher that I was about to study with.  Instead of kicing off 2014 by calling to schedule a consultation with her, I'm going to call a laryngologist and schedule an appointment to see what's going on with my voice.  It no longer hurts to sing, but when I do attempt to sing I find myself clearing my throat often and my pitch accuracy isn't where I think it is.  The best I can explain it, is if you close one eye and then reach for something close to you.  You will end up overshooting it or missing it.  I want to sing a pitch and when I try it's a little sharp or a little flat or no noise comes at all. Also, when I do sing, I feel like it is at 50% less power than it should be and is taking 50% more labor to produce a pitch.  It's a scary feeling and resulting in me not singing at all.  Sometimes I catch myself humming but then I stop suddenly and become silent.
I think God is trying to teach me how to worship without singing.  It's an interesting thought, and definitely involves using my life and obedience as worship.
But at least corporate worship for now is mouthing the words and conducting slightly with my right hand.  So if you see me doing this in the pew next to you, know I'm not crazy.  If I knew sign language then I would sign, but I do not. :)
As I sat sidelined while nursing injuries sustained by my dance or softball endeavors, I know now I have an opportunity before me:  What shall I learn now while I cannot sing? What can I gain by being silent? Should I focus my new-found time into one subject, or diversify and start to study other things?  Time can only tell.

first song I'm going to sing when I get my voice back

Worldview Musings

Take note at Lady Gaga's latest facebook post.

"The tour will take us to another planet Galaxy-Space-Time Dance party as religion. A wild celebration of self-invention, of creative spirit. ARTPOP's a state of mind u must be willing for it to take over u. It bears no intellect. All feeling. Ur mind must be free to understand it

Let 2014 be the year u make a sculpture of you. You are a legend. Your self-invention matters. You are the artist of your own life."


Western transcendentalism with a bit of humanism.  Oprah, you may have a new partner-in-crime.

To love

To be patient, kind, not envious, or boastful, or proud, but instead honor others. Not seeking the best of what I want or anger easily, or fall into the trap of keeping a record of wrongs. To not delight in evil but instead rejoice with the truth.
To always protect, trust, hope, and persevere.

Slowly gaining more insight and wisdom when it comes to loving the unloveable in my life.

announcements

I have not used my SLR in 14 months. At all. But I'm hoping to get back at it soon!
I've been reading my old journals from 10th grade and finding them to be incredibly hilarious. I'm so thankful I was on such a documentarian kick for four years, because reading all these old memories is wonderful.

Winter Wonder is basically taking over my life. I'm in choir, handbell choir, and the dance number. I'm also assisting the children's choir (in rehearsals) and that has been interesting also.  I'm in the Christmas spirit already and cannot wait for Advent. (Lol, can't wait to be expectant of Christmas, seems ironic.)
 
Winter Wonder going  to be great.  We have 6 shows this year so if you can, please come and attend! There's an open dress rehearsal/show that friends and family attend on Thursday, December 12 at 7pm.
Then,
Friday the 13th at 7 PM
Saturday the 14th at 2 and 7 PM
and Sunday the 15th at 2 and 5 PM.

Addictions

Pretty disappointed in myself to be honest.
I haven't accomplished what I need for this week.
I am horribly addicted to social networks and my cell phone.  I've created habits of checking them often. I tallied up how much time I spend on an average day and found it to be 4 hours of phone time and checking my phone 75 times a day.

SCARY NUMBERSSSSS.
So I'm really working on "recovery."
It needs to stop.

Musings

Just thoughts that I think about often:

1)  I feel myself splitting in all sorts of directions.  I'm almost moving too fast for myself, but at the same time not moving fast enough.  I'm learning more in the past three months than I have in the past thirteen months.  I can quickly see how my goals in music are attainable.  But I just don't know if I can accomplish them all--or which ones should I go for first.
 Like hiking an enormous mountain, I can't help but stand at the bottom and wonder when I'm going to get to the top, and what it will look like from up there.

2) Our church's re-design.  I've been through one already, but that was more like phase one back in 2003.  This one is much larger and more involved.  I'm on board simply because to be against it would be selfish and whiny.  But I can't help but grieve a little for two things:  they are taking out our pews once they redesign the worship center to make room for more seats. And that's exactly how it will be; replaced by individual seats.  And they might take out the prayer garden.  It's been there since 1986.  I cannot imagine it gone.  I'm just starting to understand that there is no "perfect" church out there.  You have to see the good in your church and focus on that.   Strong, Biblical teaching, traditional and contemporary services, leaders and elders who are very discerning, people with a heart for missions, and generous giving. 
I'm at church about 4 times a week, the people I see the most are there, the majority of my best friends and mentors are there, I'm encouraged at church, I'm able to encourage others, I am able to serve.  Because WE are the church after all.  It's just a building and not as important to me as the souls inside.  So I just have to keep focusing on that.

Compelled by Grace

Today we had an all-church prayer and worship night and a groundbreaking ceremony. We are going to have a lot of new buildings being built/old ones torn down. It's a little sad but they are falling apart. My favorite is the chapel they are going to build on the corner. It will probably be done by may.

The pics. Some are my own from tonite and one is an Instagram picture by our worship pastor.

9/11

I realized today was the day:
9/11/01
9/11/12


I replayed exactly my 9/11 story in my mind today. I wanted to concentrate on what happened. I wanted to remember the gravity of the situation. I wasn't about to make another trite statement of "prayers and thoughts for those affected..." But instead I wanted to take a moment and dwell on September 11.

1) evil was allowed to permeate the safety and security that we take for granted on any given day
2) people were hurt and killed
3) it was meant for harm
4) God turned it into good BECAUSE he is good.

Focus on the Family had a radio segment of a man who survived tower 2. His story was incredible and so real. For the first time in my life I actually could see the madness he went through and the horror in the stairwells. I shuddered, yet I praised at God's clear direction for his life.
"Why me, God? Why was I spared" he said. "But the real question is, "Why not me?" Those powerful words resonated and stuck with me through the day.

I also listened to Jan Markell's understanding the times. Michelle Bachmann is in my opinion a modern day prophet. (Not the weird LDS prophet but someone who speaks the truth and is listening to the direction of the Holy Spirit).
In that show today was a clear picture laid out, piece by piece, of the administration's favor with the worldview of the Muslim religion. I felt sick to my stomach because I was forced to remember all those things I tried to push away the past 4 years.
I was crazed, in my mind shouting up a storm, driving to ASU.
WHY can't people wake up?
We are killing ourselves from the inside out by joining sides with The Muslim Brotherhood. Meanwhile they use us as pawns for their quest for power.
Why can't people see that Obama and Hilary are INSANE for leaving those soldiers for hours in Bengazi without help?
They say 9/11 never forget. BUT WE HAVE FORGOTTEN! We have chosen to believe the best of the worst of people. To assume people are deep-down good. Unwilling to accept the fact that this whole religion has the potential for great danger, we welcome it with open arms. Does the grave sites of 3,000 mean anything anymore?

I am in awe at how fast things have escalated. In awe at how much one man can do--a man that God placed into power for a purpose. I am so keenly aware of the End Times that we live in. I am reverent of God and his purposes for America. Whether this is to be a time of turmoil, or refining, He is still good.

9/11/01 was wretched and surreal. God was evident as we heard the stories and saw the healing. We erected monuments , we knit America together and came out stronger than ever.
9/11/12 went by and people turned a blind eye. Injustice has been done. We are left bewildered. Who will erect monuments for a broken country? Who will stand with a divided nation during painful, turbulent seasons of judgement and punishment.

"If my people
Humble themselves
And pray
Seek my face
Turn from their wicked ways
Then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and heal their land."
--2 Chronicles 7:14

500

My 500th post.
It's hard to believe I've had this blog for about 5 years.
It was going to die in 2010, but I decided to just keep posting. Even if it was a random thought, or a picture of a cloud.
Diligence pays off! I'm still not sure what this blog is... it goes through phases.
In 2008 it was my sole social network, 2010-2011 my teenage, faux-tumblr.
In 2012 a RANT WEBSITE. Sorry guys.
Now? I just post things I like. And this is one of them.

I have been weeding through my 200 choral pieces given to me at the VWC sacred music conference.
My "keep" section is about 20 pieces. The rest either rubbed me the wrong way musically, or the text wasn't fit for worship. I saved some of them for the "maybe" section because parts in the music struck me as interesting. I feel like a sponge now, always listening and analyzing.  This is just phase one of my future as a composer!

So friends, enjoy this brilliant piece by Phillip Stopford, it was just published this year.  (It's definitely in my "keep" section.)

1. O Thou who camest from above,
 the pure celestial fire to impart
 kindle a flame of sacred love
 upon the mean altar of my heart.

2. There let it for thy glory burn
 with inextinguishable blaze,
 and trembling to its source return,
 in humble prayer and fervent praise.

3. Jesus, confirm my heart's desire
 to work and speak and think for thee;
 still let me guard the holy fire,
 and still stir up thy gift in me.

4. Ready for all thy perfect will,
 my acts of faith and love repeat,
 till death thy endless mercies seal,
 and make my sacrifice complete.

Already fluent in typewriter

It's challenging but I'm figured out every button and lever so now I can type without fear.

Getting back into ballet!

Really fun. Exciting to see how much I have accomplished this summer.

I'm literally halfway to abs. Ballet gets you in SHAAPE it's crazy.

Finally found an exercise regimen that is a discipline, art form, and something I'm good at.

Wish arianna could do the Saturday classes tho! She lives in troon tho and the studio is in Phoenix. #lolno

on a serious worship music kick right now

I cannot believe how good "Wachet Auf" sounds with this Getty hymn. OH my goooodness. "Wachet Auf" is my favorite Bach chorale. This is amazing, I can't stop listening.

Psalm 121: I Will Lift Up My Eyes --Robert Hobby

I met many incredible church musicians, composers, and clinicians at the Virginia Wesleyan Sacred Music Summer Conference. 

But my absolute favorite was Robert Hobby. 

I was going to go in-depth about his clinic and how inspiring and entertaining he was but I'm just not in a writing mood. I will say, that I have about 10 of his choral works with me (promotional by the publisher) and I CANNOT stop reading this piece.  I play it every time I pass my piano.  The music is constantly in my head. Nothing was on YouTube so I searched until I found the demo on the Augsburg Fortress publishing website. Just. Listen. You'll love it. 

http://store.augsburgfortress.org/media/downloads/0800679253.mp3

NOW, how can I convince SBC to add this to any future program?!? Oh how I wish we would. 

Day with arianna

Arianna and I went to an art class with our favorite art teacher. She's taught classes to lots of homeschoolers throughout the years and I have learned a lot from her in the past. She always brings out the best in people. I haven't taken one of her classes since I was a freshman in high school. She was so happy to see me.
I did a pastel on a desert scene. Arianna copied a Georgia o'keefe. Arianna's really good!
My clouds are great but the foreground needs work. I can always do it later.

Also! July 8-18 I am doing a dance intensive with Arianna at Experience Arts School (Christian art school).
So I'm training really hard for that and haven't danced in years but all my technique is still good and my flexibility /extension pretty good. I've been doing lots of ballet workouts via YouTube. I'm also going to take a pointe beginning class so I've got to get strong for that.
So excited! I just bought new tights and Leo's today. Pointe shoe fitting for the first time tomorrow with Arianna. Should be exciting!

Summer

This might be my best summer ever. Because I'm so laid back and not freaking out or being immature or trying to figure out my life. Just sleeping in, hanging out with my family, discovering new friends and meeting new people, practicing piano for hours, creating music, serving at church a lot, listening to odyssey, going through a leadership study, reading the bible, listening to Chuck Swindoll, reading books on apologetics, watching baseball, and swimming.

I just want the answer

I would like to understand the whole topic of sacred music/worship arts in the church today. I have two things pulling at me. I've had 4 home churches in my life, and a bevy of other churches when we lived in other states. I was exposed to the choir, the robes, the recitation, Lutherans, episcopalians, Pentecostals, baptists. I can literally say I've seen a lot of denominations. When we tried to find churches, mom just prayed and God found the one for us during that time.
Here in az, I went to living streams, desert steams, desert life, and Scottsdale bible. They overlapped with each other at numerous times but we have been going to SBC since 2009.
What I'm trying to say (oh good, a point) is all my home churches had worship that was in a praise band format. Drums, vocals, stage, percussion, the works. Some of it was more instrumental than others (desert streams had like two amps and some tambourines, desert life had excruciatingly loud Black praise band)
I grew up with this. It helped form me and helped me grow in Christ.
However the older I get the more I find myself LOVING the traditional forms of worship. Organ, hymns, choir, songs with more than three chords.
This isn't something new, I've always liked tradition worship my whole life I've just started studying both the more I learn about how music works.

Instead of blathering on and on I'm going to throw the thing that makes me conflicted. And I know how important it is for Christians to be in unity. Just like the bible never says "abortion is wrong" in those exact words, it expresses Gods love for creating life and his hand in giving and taking life. The bible isn't saying "you must only worship in the singing of psalms." It speaks about giving God your best in worship. Like Abel giving God his first fruits-- the best he had to offer. I believe worship should be that.

I have so much more to say. Can you tell I trying to hold back? I thought I could type that in just two sentences above. I'm wrong I just keep typing because I have examples and points and...just too much to say.

The conclusions I'm reaching are that praise band music is missing the mark. I think that when the world entered the church, it never left. Our hymnals were removed a couple of years back. Nobody noticed. Could you imagine moving the drums off the stage without causing a ruckus? No. This infiltration is obvious in our culture of young people. Our young Christians. Another wave of lukewarm ambassadors of Christ. I'm not saying that praise band is the culprit, but I think it enables just enough to encourage carnality in worship and in life.


Okay that was a lot. I thought it would only be a sentence. WRONG! Well now that I've said that I'm going to say that I really don't like my conclusions. Although they make sense I can see how legalism may be affecting it.
All I know is that I want answers and I want truth. I don't wanna go on gut feelings and personal preferences. I actually want to research and study and try to gather more insight on the whole worship topic in general. I think both sides have viable concerns that deserve attention. I will be exploring this thoroughly this summer. Stay tuned!!

IM DONE, PEOPLE

just an update

1:36 AM

Still writing this moronic paper.

I've worked on this since Saturday. It was due an hour and half ago.
It takes me an average of 70 minutes to write ONE page.
It's on music education, "what makes a good teacher?"
For some reason it's excruciating.
Not difficult.
Just impossible to write.
It needs to be 8 pages long.
Once this paper is completed, I will officially be finished with my first year of college. It's ironic how much this paper is postponing my moment of freedom.

I really need to find out why writing papers are getting more difficult as time goes on. I can't remember ever struggling with this before. Maybe it has to do with homeschooling.


This school feels like a strait jacket for my mind.

I lost three pounds over finals week. Seriously, what?
I guess I just don't eat when I'm stressed.

but yeah, in other news, I weigh the same I did when I was in eighth grade.

I can't tell what's worse, freshman 15 or having no muscle tone whatsoever.

Final Assignment: my real life 'ethnomusicology essay'

This is written with an intention to show 'stratification in the school of music'--basically incorporate the ideas and cultures we have discussed in this class and how it relates to my music school. Such a short essay; I had so much more to say but not enough time. 

_______________

Introduction:

            The ASU school of music is located in the hot sonoran desert of Arizona.  My interest with this school reaches back to my sophomore year of high school when I first heard of the school by the means of oral history.  I remember vividly the stories told by the elders and mentors in my life.  I was surrounded by a great number of Herberger School of music graduates and trusted their judgment. They would relate the stories of their years learning theory, and stressing out putting compositions together, conducting, or rehearsing for hours on end. They had nothing but good stories to say, and with a moral of hard work and determination. It seemed so appealing to me, to be a part of something bigger. My thesis is that I embarked on a quest to discover a world that I’ve only heard about.

Societal Value

            The value of music at ASU is that music is for entertainment purposes.  The problem with looking at it this way is that you exclude a lot of crucial elements of music making and music realization.  I have seen signs of the commonly held idea, “I care what people think” that so infiltrated the high school years adolescence.  Occasionally, you can see it on the faces of the musicians during rehearsals, collaborations, and performances.  To advertise an upcoming recital, students will go above and beyond the usual methods to promote themselves.  They come up with clever taglines and impressive and gaudy headshots to make the recital more exciting. At the recital, the musician spends most of his or her time trying to stylize their playing. Making sure the audience has something to “watch” in addition to listening to the music.  Then there’s always the chance that it might not even sound impressive in the end, and the audience walks away wondering why something so flashy could sound so flat.

Here, we have made the audience center of attention, as the musician operates on the fear that their music is not entertaining enough and needs to have a little more clout in order to attract a favorable response.  Instead, we should play music to express instead of impress.  Expression should not be overlooked, because without expression, music would just be ordered notes floating through space. Expression can have the form of accuracy.  During a shootingway ceremony, the singers must make sure they are performing the piece accurately and in its entirety.  It is a strenuous process, but it is crucial that they must experience the music in order to present it to the rest of the tribe.  The end results in what is called an “impressive drama” by David P. McAllester.  At its culmination, it is seen as impressive, because it was expressed by fervent singers, dancers, and sand-drawers who were only trying to reconnect the severed bridge between the human and divine. 

Degrees as a caste system:

In Javanese Gamelan and in the ASU School of music, each person has their allotted instrument and time to participate in the final product.  In gamelan, it would be the 32 beat gong cycle, and at ASU it’s a four-year degree.  During my time here, I have begun to see the major maps as stringent guidelines that have turned into a caste system.  Basically, if you want to learn many things, you can’t; you must stay limited to the things in your degree. If this were Javanese gamelan and all the instruments were arranged on stage, I would play my peking.  Patiently, I have waited for my gongang and entered in to double the notes and echo the melody.  The music is captivating as the instruments interlock and shimmer in an elaboration of unbelievable texture.  So I decide to take my hammer, stand up and walk around playing each one of my favorite instruments.  But I can’t do that. The drummer puts me back in place and I must sit in front of my peking for the rest of my four years and have only the opportunity to listen to the music happening around me, as I watch my fleeting chance to learn pass away.

Conclusion:

My quest proved that the school of music at ASU is nothing like the stories of my trusted elders.  It has become only a refinery for me; a place to discover what still remains.  Now I know my true interests and aspirations.  The plane is approaching and all I have left is this used parachute. I shall hold this parachute in my hands as I walk back to my hometown, as it symbolizes much to me, and will become the basis of my oral history.

So done

More done than I've ever been done
Like more than two weeks ago
Or four weeks before that
Screaming "I hate school" every day more than the days leading up to spring break
The count down is 6 days and I found out my jury is two days after school ends and I have to drive down there AGAIN after the last day :((((((((
I really can't take it. I just want it to endddddd alreadyyyyy

ANGRY MONDAY

So angered every Monday that I wake up to. Cuz it's always 5 am. And a guaranteed 6 hour sleep. Hot mess. Shower. Jump through a billion hoops to get ready and then it's me battling it out in the busy busy streets of the 101 with the rest of the rat-racers, and pedestrians of downtown Tempe.
And then I slog through the day with my worthless classes and starve myself because I don't have money or a packed lunch.

One thing I'm going to miss about ASU is that really really great library. All those resources and QUIET study places and that super untouched retro building with reel to tell tape players, records, VHS and tapes galore. Old wooden desks; my first locker ever, old books from as early as late 1800s as library material. Reading about whatever topic that interests me.

One funny thing I'm going to miss:
That I have my morning commute planned down to the minute. I've memorized the time when I should pass all the exits from Shea to McKellips.
in Tempe, I've memorized when the bus merges onto Rural, when the light rail crosses university, and when I can make a right on red at Apache.
I listen to Insight for Living with Chuck Swindoll at 7 am so I know when he starts to pray and the piano plays a groovy hymn arrangement that I should be driving over the Lakes.
Sometimes I have DREAMS that I'm commuting.

Last weekend

Was crucial. I needed a recharge and a reconnection.
Got to hike and saw a rattlesnake slither across the path. We freaked.
I got to see the most beautiful sunset of my life. It was at a high place in the McDowell's and looked like something out of lord of the rings. Unfortunately it meant the sun was going down so mom and I had to run the last 1.5 miles. Mostly completely in the dark. No lights. No phones. It was so dark I'm glad we made it home.
On sunday I slept in for probably the first time in two weeks and went to a church choir/orchestra barbecue. It was a typical backyard 70s ranch home party. Nothing special. Volleyball, bocce, and conversation. It was so much fun. It helped me feel SOO much better and ready to conquer more school.

Tomorrow

I start sporadics.
That's working on my 4 pieces 4x a day.
Breaking down by sections, memory work, drilling, and writing sections. Following this process and striving for accuracy.
This MUST be done 4x a day--no skipping. It's the only way to strengthen the memory, polish, and prepare for the jury. It's never failed me; I've failed it in the past, but it works like nothing else.
It's so draining though, I need to finish strong and leave the ASU faculty with a good memory of a former Bardin music student.

Dear God I need strength for these last 17 days. I feel I am about to go out of my mind with stress. I'm angry that I have to be there right now. Always tired, busy, conflicted, numb, cynical.
I'm so run down from this way of life. The next 17 days are going to be excruciating.

Being tormented by my thoughts again

I am tired of thinking

All that ever crosses my mind are the horrors of this world and how they are so prominent in my everyday life and this worldview I'm immersed in.
Abortion, feminism, humanism, statism, equality, ironic intolerance, vulgarity, promiscuity, degradation, moral absolutes, and incorrect teaching methods.
All my brain does is run at high power filtering everything. Then I formulate a retort and then there's a response and I answer that argument and another forms and I answer that one. It's tiring me out and I'm getting so beat up. This world is so screwed is not even funny and WHY do I have to be part of it??! I just want to run away. Leave me alone!

Some pics from this week/holiday

Burned OUTTT!

I never get more than 6 hours of sleep
I'm running out of outfits
Everything is disorganized
I could care less about school
And now finals are coming up? The last 3 weeks of school, I have something due EVERY. DAY.
Gross. School. Gross.

The clouds are always different

At 3:00 on Good Friday

I've noticed this since I was a kid

I was the greeter at journey to the cross today. From 1200-230, seventy-five people came by to go through
the interactive stations. It was just me, manning the place. Trying to give instructions and direct the "flow"

Wow. Is all I can say. It was amazing, mom,les,Havilah, and James came by and went through it when I was done greeting. If you guys have a chance, please go to this. It's being extended for this weekend too. 9-9 Saturday and Sunday.

Then I went back for Good Friday service. It was so great. During communion we all went forward to write our names in red pen on the white crosses , then people came out and covered the crosses in red paint. It was such a good illustration.

I came home and played the passiontide hymns from two of my five hymnals.

Now I'm watching The Miracle Maker. This is a perfect movie. I've never seen better.

anger

get the heck out of my house

SBC today

Setting up for "Journey to the Cross" artistic depictions of Jesus' journey to Golgotha. In the prayer garden, the interactive stations and artwork will be on display from Wednesday to Friday, 9 am-9 pm. I am volunteering on Friday 12-230 to greet people. I haven't actually seen it yet. I saw them hang lights on the tree and set out bibles today.

So glorious

Read these Holy Week devotionals based on Handel's "Messiah"

http://www.waterfromrock.org/2013/03/26/holy-week-devotional-march-26/

from sunday's sermon

"People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Be good anyway.

Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.

People need help but may attack you if you try to help them. Help them anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."


- Kent M. Keith

Slowly losing it

I kind of drove around the whole planet today.

Cactus--51--Bethany home road--3rd ave--camelback--32nd st--202--rual road--rio salado--mill ave--Scottsdale rd--101--cactus--100th st--home

Stupid. Hadn't eaten in forever. Driving around in nightmare unknownsville Phoenix traffic, special middle lanes(??), a giant headache, sun reflecting off every building, car, and mirror, people honking, GPS went AWOL, I got lost in the ghetto, people are so mean and honk because it's Friday and they wanna hurry up and get drunk, got into a fight with the chipotle cashier beeyotch because they hire INCOMPITENT workers, saw a guitar performance for credit, they encored him twice, just end already, got home late, wrote paper in an hour, submitted at 12 one minute after 1159 deadline, I dare them to take off points for that, got ahead in homework, cried on the inside because I have 50lbs of makeup to take off, crawled into bed and.... Slept.

angry people

Aren't they ever sorry for all the people they've beaten down and left in the dust? Are they aware? Or are they just desensitized?

Today

It was the perfect day.
I sat outside and listened to Odyssey

Also nobody likes the dog right now. She's getting super needy for no reason.

Listening to 88.3 FM

Into the night
listening to a warbly organ, crooning tenor, accented by the vibraphone in a rendition of "Moment By Moment"
I love this station.

My face

This describes how I feel about starting school in two days

Worst book ever

It's a long story but this isn't my copy. I swear. I just bought it for the person who let me borrow the original one--which my mom lost. She read like two paragraphs and hated it. I have "finish a book" syndrome and languished through the book, finishing in a record time of less than two days because it was so crappy.

Signs

This is my favorite movie.
It's the kind of film with such an indefatigable story. It's saturated in symbolism, and allusion. Signs pulls a weighty and timeless story together with such a style that it can be watched many times. Each time I view it I catch something new.

The little kid "read this one again, Mommy" impulse has returned.

Walk

Cloudy day
Petting horses
Taking pictures of gloomy houses
Making the dog stand on a rock.

Gained 3 lbs since feb 14?!? No. Just no.

Some people

You will always love--no matter what
You will always be able to see their "real person" behind their facade.
Sometimes I feel like I know someone is just trying too hard and deep down I know it isn't them.
And then I realize, who exactly is their "real self?" it's disappointing when I can't give an answer. I only operate on this gut instinct: this isn't you.

Where do you go with that? The facade has consumed them. It's hard to tell where the lies fade and the truth begins.

ugh

I can't even finish this 3 paragraph paper.
I can't exist in this environment.
It's like I get the "fight-or-flight" response every second I'm doing anything school-related.
And all I want is the "flight" option.
I can't think straight, see, feel--it's all being suffocated in my living nightmare.
I just want to sleep and there's no guarantee of that tonight.

friends who play coy

masking insults as jokes.
as if adding "jk" to the end of a retort would make it a joke.
I hate this. biggest pet peeve. if you have a problem, come out and say it, don't play around I have no patience.
this friend and I are growing apart: we don't have much in common and we haven't said much but I know under everything we just don't see eye-to-eye on a LOT of things. And they way that friend conveys their feelings is by writing hurtful "jokes" and trying to be witty. and failing. it's ticking me off.
I am NOT a conflict avoider. I just feel like saying right now, "you're not kidding. you mean every bit of it. let's not be friends."

Not everybody cares

It's a FACT of the planet.
so you could either learn this the hard way or the easy way. And I always manage to choose the hard way.
When am I going to stop throwing my pearls before the swine and showing all my cards at once?
This is a touchy subject, my education plans, and I shouldn't be so honest. I need to be extremely guarded and start practicing lines I can use that will lead to dead end conversation enders.
"School is coming along."
"Yes I am considering transferring at some point."
"I need more research."
WHATEVER tell the people what they want to hear--which isn't a lot. It's going to spare so much disappointment.
However, people have a choice:  respond in love or respond as criticism. And a lot of people are dubious of everything and will 'grill you' but in the end they really don't care. They're just asking you a bunch of pointed questions and remarks because they can.

This is how I want it

To stay this way: ASU in my rear view mirror.

Asu was boot camp
And it was an aptitude test.
I am grateful and bittersweet but I will be leaving.
The initial consultation with college plus blew my mind. All my questions were answered and all the things on my "list" can be provided in my education. This is a personalized degree program in which I am about to embark. This is fantastic. The freedom is back, and this is SO what needs to happen.

At bible study we made posters for an upcoming outreach. Yeah eve got wayy too into it and proceeded to write "for Phoenix homeless" in a special script. It was a 28 inch wide poster so it's quite large, and the picture doesn't do it justice. But yeah, I'm proud of my work. It was done freehand. Elle wrote the rest ;)
Needless to say we didn't get to do the bible study.

There's also a really pretty tree across the road from where we meet. These are "springing" around Scottsdale right now. What are they?! Gorgeous trees.