minnesota

"And I just don't understand why God put me in this place right now.

I know that I'm changing, know that I've changed 

And you're playing a significant role. 

These are the beginning stages, the opening scene.

I don't want to be standing alone."

Belief Perseverance

While studying for my Psychology CLEP, I came across an interesting definition known as "Belief Perseverance."

Belief Perseverance involves maintaining one’s beliefs in the face of evidence that they’re not true.

It's like a filtering mechanism:  being able to ignore new and conflicting information.  Because to believe this new and conflicting information, (regardless if it's true or not) is to enter into confusion and insecurity.

 Believing everything that comes your way, is to rest under anything but the shadow of God's wing. 

Things get more complicated, confusion rages harder, the burden starts digging into your shoulders.... It may be a struggle, but it's just a part of the process.  

Things get simpler, the peace comes in waves, and God's significance rises above the mist....

It may be a struggle, it may be suffering. But it's faith.  It's a holy suffering because this is a suffering that has a final end; a purpose; a point.   

A couple of weeks ago I wondered if I wanted the answer, or if I wanted God's will. And I was living under this impression that the two were diametrically opposed to each other, or separate entities that seek equilibrium--at the expense of each other.  

So far the answer has continued to be, "Keep walking forward on this path. Be strong and courageous. Do not turn to the right or to the left."

Do you know how hard this is to do 

when life screams at you from the right, 

and threatens to pull you away from the left?

Do you know how hard this is to do 

when wave after wave of developments occur?

Do you know how crazy I feel for 

"maintaining my beliefs in the face of evidence that they're not true?"

Marathon Sleepover

Arianna came over on Friday night after ballet rehearsal and did not leave until 7 pm on Monday night. I called it the "marathon sleepover" because she was technically only supposed to stay on Friday night. 

Friday night we stayed up until 5:00 am goofing off listening to music in the kitchen, recording ourselves covering a song, and we story-boarded a whole music video. 

We woke up at 9 so I could drive her to piano lessons. 

It was fun to watch her in piano and to see how her teacher teaches. 

Then we got ready for a graduation party I was going to. I stopped by Walgreens for a card and she bought one too. She didn't know my friend at all, who graduated from ACU, but she became quick friends. 

Then we went to Redemption Church Arcadia for a Citizens and Saints concert. I was not a fan but decided to go and BOY am I glad I went! I never knew I could enjoy a concert so much. I'm totally a fan now. They were so good live. 

Here's some pictures from the foyer of the church--I liked the retro look of it. 

We got a pic with the band and talked to each member for a long time! Full of encouraging words--more than just saying "y'all were awesome--and we ended up learning a thing or two from the keyboardist!

We went to bed again at 5 am because we were too busy eating, talking, laughing, listening to music, and playing piano. 

We went to Redemption Church Arcadia just to mix things up, and heard a great sermon that was full of things we really needed to hear. And the worship leader there used to lead worship at SBC's venue congregation, so we said hi. 

On the way back, I stopped at BoSa donuts because Arianna had never been there. She loved them. 

Then, since I was in Phoenix, and it was a Sunday, decided to stop by the church that used to be the original location of Living Streams Church. I hadn't been there in almost ten years! It was open and there were still a few people left from the service so we went inside the sanctuary and talked to the pastors. It's an Anglican Church now, and I looked around and realized how much was still original--they didn't do a whole lot of remodeling. The pastor said that Living Streams worked it out so they would only have to pay for the property, but not pay interest because they were grateful of the missions work that Christ's Church Anglican was doing. It was cool to look at the cheery, thankful countenance of the pastor, hear him talk about it, and to see how Living Streams passed the baton to the next generation that will occupy this space. 

I'm so glad Arianna was there to listen to my nostalgic moments. I kept telling stories and pointing to the places where they occurred. 

Then we took the scenic way home and ended up on top of this mountain. It's my favorite look-out-point. 

More chilling and eating. 

We watched tv and a special on TV for Memorial Day. I watched in shock and laugher as Arianna stood up and marched and sang along to the Air Force song. Because of her dad's military background, she heard that song growing up almost as much as I heard the Michigan fight song. 

Around 8 pm, Arianna looked at her phone in horror, "I forgot about Christian's going away party tonight! It started 15 minutes ago!" Christian is a friend we've known since homeschooling days. We are also friends with his sister, Bella. So we threw on our church outfits, made dinner really quick, packed a swim bag, put on makeup and left for Walgreens. Which we bought cards for him and wrote them in the car (for the second time that week!) 

We showed up and there were a lot of people there. I played billiards for an hour with my friend Rustin (I knew from homeschooling) and bro'd it up with him. 

Then I got super tired. Probably from the cumulative 5 hours of sleep I had received in the past two days. We ended up hanging out in Bella's room while Christian and all his friends started jamming in the room next door. Drums and bass literally blaring through the walls as Arianna and Bella watched makeup tutorials on YouTube and I read Bella's copy of "Please Understand Me" by David Keirsey. I'm a sucker for psychology books as much as I hate them--they're so interesting. 

We left at 1 and ended up going to bed super late because Arianna was watching the Kardashians and I was finishing that book Bella let me borrow. So I went to bed at 5 am again and woke up at 1 pm. The first time I got to sleep in. 

After making food and doing loads of chores, we went to Scottsdale Quarter so I could return some things. Well everything was closed and disappointed, we went to Dutch Bro's. I didn't order anything but Arianna got coffee for free because the baristas are so nice and sometimes they do that. 

We got home and I did more chores before my parents came home. I cannot tell you how many times I cleaned that kitchen this weekend. I now have a new respect for mom! 

All-in-all, a great weekend. 

This is exactly what I needed. I have been in such a rut these past five months. I don't know if you've noticed, but I've not been in a good place, emotionally. Still dealing with anxiety. God brought me through a lot of storms these past five months, and now that those storms are subsiding, I really needed something to lift me up and out from the swirling eddies. That's what this weekend did. I have a new respect for, "as iron sharpens iron" and to "bear each other's burdens."  I never knew how alone I've been in this journey and how much it helped to walk alongside someone for three whole days. It was great to be around someone who is happy, cheerful, funny, talkative, and spontaneous. All these things got me out of my house--which is a toxic place without people and where most of my worrying is done--and onto some big adventures. Just two single, young girls, cruising around Phoenix and most of Scottsdale, doing things Eve has always wanted to do, but always figured she'd do them "later."

I have known Arianna for years and as she enters this next phase of going to college, I'm able to see things in her that I once dealt with. It's also great how many spiritual conversations we had over the weekend. It's important to have friendship with lost of laughter and fun, but it's also an extra level of great if you can talk about more than worldly things. 

Such an awesome weekend.  

Waiting to emerge from the shadow. 

And every mountain top experience gives way to more valleys. 

Ready or Not...

"It's better to be ready, than to get ready."

This was a quote from one of our lectures given by Colonel Mike Bell in Colorado for the Signature Leadership Capstone.  It's been playing in my head nonstop since mid-March.  In one case, being ready for something is great in leadership.  And it's a great question to ask, "Am I ready? If not, then I will study and get ready and perhaps my chance will come."

In another case, your level of readiness is hard to measure, and there will always be a part of you that is not ready.  That's the part where you learn by doing.  Hopefully, you emerge victorious (whether you win or lose is another question.)  Do you see how paradoxical this quickly becomes?  There's so many factors when you examine readiness.

I think there are many times in life in which you are ready but you don't even know it.  And it takes synchronicity in order to wake you up.  Synchronicity is a state of harmony or congruence; when our lives just seem to fall together for reasons beyond our control.  I love this word, because it describes those moments where you can see evidences of God moving in your life.

So even if you're not ready; you're a lot more ready than you were.
This is a good place to be.

And this is the place where I am.

But I think all this synchronicity is like God saying, "You're ready to move into an area of your life where you don't feel ready at all."

I can't help but confess that I am ignorant of the unknown.  

This is the Johari window.  I saw it in the book I'm reading, The Ascent of a Leader written by Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol, and Ken McElrath.  See the lower right corner in the quadrant? Those are the things that you don't know that you don't know.  See the dotted lines moving into the unknown square?  Well, the more you go through life experiences, learn from others, disclose to others, learn from mistakes--the more that dotted line expands.  And it moves in tangent with the other areas in the quadrant.

Later on in the book is this quote, "God places people he can trust in to the right places at the right time.  He tests and refines them...so that when the right opportunities arise, they are ready for the challenge."

Ready for the challenge.  That is the unknown area; the place where God makes you ready to enter a state of unreadiness.  The refining fire; the times in which His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

And it's okay to feel unready.  

I was challenged last week by the College Group sermon with these scriptures from John 17: 6-11.  In this passage, Jesus prays for His disciples. It's an incredible thing to know our Lord is praying for us.  It's basically God saying that He believes in us.  He is our biggest advocate, wanting nothing but the best for us.

 “I have manifested your name to the people whom you gave me out of the world. Yours they were, and you gave them to me, and they have kept your word.  Now they know that everything that you have given me is from you. For I have given them the words that you gave me, and they have received them and have come to know in truth that I came from you; and they have believed that you sent me.  I am praying for them. I am not praying for the world but for those whom you have given me, for they are yours.  All mine are yours, and yours are mine, and I am glorified in them.  And I am no longer in the world, but they are in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, keep them in your name, which you have given me, that they may be one, even as we are one."

Even when you feel unready, even when you just don't believe in yourself anymore... God is there and He's ready to open more doors, to pray for us, to arrange events, and to do His will.

I am blown away at how much has changed in the past 3 months.

Usually change is something you can only trace in retrospect, but this change was a constant rush--a slight tugging. I could feel it grinding away from the day I bravely prayed for this change.
Now I find myself in a place that is night and day different than when I started, I wonder:  have things really "changed," or were they always heading this direction all along?
Is life a gradual ramp, or a series of platforms and ladders?

Like I said, the process of change was a constant gnawing.
For the whole month of January I was stricken by constant itching. My arms, my legs, my hands, my neck--everything. I could tell it was stress. It all came to an awful peak on the 27th and that's when I stood at my dead end and decided God's way was better.
Anything was better than the mess I was currently making.
I prayed for Vinedresser to prune--despite my hesitancy and fears. I put emotions aside and made a decision to trust and let my emotions catch up with my decision later.
And February was a month where I dealt with my new-found journey of trust.
So many times of the most conflicted feelings. The dissonance of my emotions and my intellect was out of control. Some times I thought I would go out of my mind considering the bi-polar nature of my thoughts. 

I drew near to God and He drew near to me. I believe he was waiting for this the whole time.

"Create A Space"

Here's a paragraph from one of the assignments of my current leadership class.  I went to a leadership summit for my class last week, and this is just something that has changed the way I view almost everything.  And it's something I can apply (and have started to apply) whether or not I'm in a leadership "position."  I just had to share it on this blog.  I will probably write about some takeaways and things I've been applying from this leadership class.  

My biggest takeaway from the Capstone was from the lecture material.  What stood out to me the most, was looking at the world through the lens of "creation, fall, and redemption."  Jeff Myers said, "The very outward working of God is relational.  From the beginning of time He was there."  In the events since creation and the fall, we can see how God's bigger story of redemption is made manifest through the various "small stories" of our lives.  This understanding of redemption affects how I potentially will lead:  It affects how I view people, how I communicate, how I move toward goals, and how I equip future leaders.  Through this lens, I have begun to understand that God gives you organizations for the good of the people, not people for the good of the organization.  It takes self-expenditure (namely, empathy) to work toward the good of people around you.  The best way I can do this, is by creating a space for people.  Everyone has hopes and dreams and those who won't dare to have them, are only that way because their opportunities were stolen from them.  I was challenged at the Capstone by this question, "Can you create a space for them?  A way in which they could have hopes and dreams again?"  I believe God's plan of redemption--through effective leadership--can help people to have hopes and dreams again.  A way to foster individual callings, and unite them together to work toward a vision that will impact everyone involved.
 

Insignificant Significance

Here's a story from a mutual friend on Facebook.  Just a regular equine dentist named Joel, from a small town in Maryland.

It's so interesting to see how ordinary people (that the world would usually overlook) can use Facebook as a platform to share their thoughts, experiences, and stories.  

People who spend lots of time working with their hands, or with animals, or alone on a field; they're doing more than just working--they're thinking.  And these seemingly insignificant thoughts would never see the light of day, unless they shared them.  

Thankful for this story that I read.  Hope you enjoy it too. 

"...went to a farm auction today. The man has decided to retire. I saw him today going down the line starting all the tractors , probably for the last time. 

I met him years ago at an old church we had visited. I made sure I said hello and wished him well. I shook his hand. Felt like sandpaper from all the years of hard work. He walks kind of stooped over now . He tilted his head up ,looked me in the eye. I remember you. Had your son with you. Yes sir. 

I respected his work ethic. How many times had he climbed up and down off those tractors through the years. How many countless hours spent alone in the fields. How many cold mornings like today. I asked him how many years he had farmed ? All my life. It's all I know. I thought this man has worked hard all his life. And now it's going to all be gone. Nothing left but the memories. How would people remember him. Would he be remembered as a man of integrity. Would he be remembered as a Godly man , a good person. Somebody that would do anything for his brother.

I had seen an old tractor there. One my dad owned when I was a boy. It meant the world to me when I was allowed to drive it alone. I remember the joy I felt when my dad admired the straight line I had plowed.

I left the auction early. Didn't feel right obtaining stuff that belonged to this old man.

In a way I was sad for him.

I went to sheetz for some sandwiches and milk. A young man with orange hair pulled up. A little girl I guess his daughter got out with him. I stood back and opened the door for them. I felt different.They thanked me as I walked into the store . I had my old jeans and mud boots on. An old beat up cowboy hat that had seen many storms. I noticed too maybe i was stooped over and tired from standing on the cold damp ground. At that moment I realized I'm getting older, like the man who sold his farm.

I realized I too I won't take anything with me.
I hope I'm remembered as a good man , a Godly man , someone who would do anything for his brother.
I thank God for my upbringing on a farm. It grounded me at a time I needed it . I pray the family farms never die. I pray that old man can enjoy his remaining years.
It's not what we take but what we leave behind."
.

white flag

"Here I am again with the fear at my back;

Terror that grips me.

The eyes studying the eyes in the back of my head.

The heightened awareness, burgeoning on panic.

I receive Your rescue and promise of peace.  

It is more powerful than the schemes of the devil.

Hide me in the very shadow of Your wings."

My life has been a mess ever since I caught a glimpse of a new dimension. A gateway to worlds unknown.  My only consolation is the passing of time, and watching slowly and painfully as things improve for the better 

Yet as they improve, I can feel myself hurtling toward what I believe to be a final end to everything. Everything I've ever known, all my steady absolutes in life, my constants, the world I have so carefully created without regard to a potential crisis. 

I cannot stand my maddening emotions anymore; the conspiracy of my rational thoughts. The war raging on in the space between my ears. I'm crippled in silence and beat down by the unknown. And time allows me to be pushed gently into improvement, I sink into the safety of it all. Sinking and floating. 

I emerge once more and the slow crescendo starts again.

The war picks up where it left off.

Time-Lapse Video

https://vimeo.com/121523148

One of our orchestra members does photography as a hobby and he put together some time-lapse footage from Arizona. Next thing you know, our production team at SBC got a hold of it timed it to the song, "God You Reign" and it played on the screen as we sang it in church this Sunday. It was humbling and beautiful to behold. I love seeing how aspects of production can enhance the worship experience. And this is just another example of magnifying God's glory in creation. What a great thing to be able to *see* it while standing in church, lifting our voices in song. 

Friday Night Friends

It's so crazy to find myself in the center of a group of people that I truly enjoy. Sometimes social situations make me feel like rain-man, or the odd one out, but these people inspire me, challenge me, and make me laugh. I love their hearts for God as well as their willingness to serve each other. We can have a good time too, and some of my fondest memories this year have been goofy, random, spontaneous things. It's necessary to have some people on hand that you can be comfortable with, and don't feel like you have to hold yourself back or feel afraid of showing your true self. 

 

Quote of the Week

"My feelings are not God. God is God. My feelings do not define truth. God’s word defines truth. My feelings are echoes and responses to what my mind perceives. And sometimes - many times - my feelings are out of sync with the truth. When that happens - and it happens every day in some measure - I try not to bend the truth to justify my imperfect feelings, but rather, I plead with God: Purify my perceptions of your truth and transform my feelings so that they are in sync with the truth." --John Piper
"Desiring God"

Lent reflections--week 1.

this walking with Jesus stuff..is hard.
There's so many unknowns.

"How will we know if that's the answer?"
"Why can't I find out?"
"What if I embark, only to realize it was all wrong--was that your Will?"


It's then when I realize the object of my focus is faulty.
Do I want the answer, or do I want God's Will?


Sometimes I find the hardest times are when everything is going well.
All it takes is blessing upon blessing to heap over you in order to expose the ugliness.  To see the vices of blame, comparison, guilt, impatience, and laziness seeping out of the cracks.  Getting wrenched from your comfort zone, being blindsided by feelings of unworthiness, and hounded by the fear of failure.  In the midst of so much grace and favor, I can feel myself fighting, thrashing and bellowing, "NO!"
It's a peculiar reaction.  Illogical--yet, human.

"Your heart understood mine. In the depth of the fragrant night, I listened with ravished soul to your beloved voice. 

Your heart understood mine." 

Reality Check

I’ve rationalized an addiction of mine. It’s a quiet one that takes place in my own mind. I’ve indulged it so much that it’s become familiar and all hints of its true colors have been ignored. My rationalization of worrying, foreseeing, creating, and pondering potential—unlikely—scenarios has been done in the name of “wisdom” and “preparation.” When it actually means, “I don’t trust God and here’s why I think that’s okay.” I am motivated to pursue excellence, and that can be misused, and turned into perfectionism when I take matters into my own hands and rely on my own strengths to accomplish things. Instead of pursuing excellence to glorify God, I pursue it in order to succeed. Driven by the fear of failure, I pursue perfectionism at the expense of seeking the truth that Jesus provides. But letting your mind run wild creates a sick sort of addicting soap opera; like a drug, you crave it more. And as a consequence, two things step into play: Pride—because if things happen the way I ‘foresee,’ it is a testament of my ‘intuition.’ I praise myself for being so ahead of the curve, as if I had anything to do with it. As if I orchestrated the events instead of the God of the Universe. Anxiety—as I condition myself become anxious and flighty, I also open a wide door to doubt. Painting myself in a corner, I become filled with anything BUT the fruit of the spirit. I can no longer decipher human interaction. The lines between reality and perceived reality become blurred.

 "GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY BREAD." So often we read/hear/speak these words, and the message of profound trust gets glossed over. We have to trust that God is working in and through us. Trust that He has provided sufficiently for you today. To doubt, would to be call God a liar. Trust that He will always provide what you need now, and for the rest of your life. Sometimes when struggling through life in certain areas, we feel dissatisfied. “Why is this still happening? How come every time I progress, I end up learning more about myself that needs to change? Learning about more sins, and discovering new faults?” Well news flash: sanctification is a life-long process. Remove yourself from staring at the tempestuous waves of your life circumstances and keep your eyes on the Savior. These lessons—and finding new places where you need to change—are all a part of God’s plan of redemption. Be like a child who totters across the floor; take those first shaky steps. They may certainly lead to multiple falls. You may cry. You may only take one step before falling down. But whatever you do, don’t curse the falling down. Because then you may give up on walking, and running, which could lead to swimming, to dancing, to climbing, and to other countless activities of movement. Don’t curse the falling down and prefer to sit on the floor and crawl.

Visibility: Low

We take this assurance for granted; the blazing sun and the constancy of the warmth. But once in a while, a fog will quietly descend and curl into every corner. It's in this muffled whiteness that we slow down and feel lost. All landmarks have been swallowed up by this dense shroud, and our pace slows in order to make sure we don't pass the very thing we are looking for. 

And that thing is:  clarity. 

Even in the complete absence of clarity, we still pine for a glimpse. 

This is a truth as constant as the warm sun...that we seek clarity, understanding, and direction. 

Nobody likes to be lost.  

Roots

I've caught a glimpse of a different dimension and since then have felt a pull.  As if I have these deep roots inside of me searching for a place to rest.  I never knew I had these roots, or even the desire to find a resting place.

Being a lone wolf was comfortable--but stagnant.
Having everything put together was secure--but unrewarding.

Since that first glimpse, I can feel the roots stemming out, pulling, and reaching like tendrils on a vine.  I know I cannot go back.

These roots have complete and genuine interest in seeing something through. An ability to see potential when other eyes would not. A desire to invest, to support, to listen, to learn, to share, to understand, and to respect.

Four Letters: MTBI and SIMA and the Past Eleven Weeks of My Life

The Lord has me in the place right now to learn by integration.

By integration, I mean, "the act or process of making whole or entire." When you can recognize and apply something in multiple facets of your life.
I am pretty strong in interpersonal skills and have known this through my life.  I'm not sure if it has to do with being an only child, but I'm able to understand what people want, what they want to say, what they're saying, how they're saying it, and then able to make conclusions, or a course of action based on the information I've gathered.
I just finished an online, accelerated, Signature Leadership course on Christian leadership theory and practice. I will link it here.  It was taught by Dr. Jeff Myers, president of Summit Ministries.  It's offered through my school, CollegePlus, and if I take all three courses and attend the on-site capstone in Colorado, I will get a certificate  in Signature Leadership and have something to show on my resume.
All I can say is WOW. The class blew my mind with information, stretched and challenged me, gave me direction and insight about leadership. I highly recommend this course.
It was tough, having to do a semester-long class in a third of the time, but I learned at the right pace and could recognize things happening in my personal life that overlapped and aligned with this class.  It was more than a coincidence, it was loud and obvious enough for me to say, "Ok God, I'm listening."
I just LOVE when this happens. When I see integration happening around me, it's a true sign that I'm learning something of value.

Lately, I've made friends with people my age, (I know, isn't that shocking.)  We are comprised of musicians, worship leaders, A/V techs, Bible majors, former-homeschoolers, etc.  We hang out after College Group on Tuesday nights.
It's the first friend group in my life that's made of people that I didn't already know from the past.  We are all so completely different, yet it works.  This group is full of lively, gregarious, creative, supportive, intellectual, and witty people that have quickly become some great friends.


This one kid in the group--let's call him, Horatio--has brought up the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator every Tuesday since September 2nd.  I joined the group on September 2nd.  Great timing.
When he's not studying four languages or playing six instruments, he's interpreting and verifying test results for actual MBTI assessments.  Great.

Initially, he got my type wrong.  (According to what I knew from taking one of those online imitation-MBTI tests over the summer because everyone was doing it on Facebook.)
So by the next week, he made his case on what my actual type was.  I told him he was still wrong, but he insisted that he was right.
I had a hard time believing the type he told me.  I rejected my type because it was basic, it was typical, it was not a type that is usually attributed to smart people.  I didn't like my type and I didn't think it defined me as correctly as I wanted.  Just having him correct me and insist that I was this other type was infuriating.  He was right--I could see that--but I just hated being this 'basic white girl' type.  I knew there was more to me.  Every introspective test I had ever taken always produced mixed results.  I've seen a pattern in my life that shows me to be a combination of everything--very moderate and well-rounded.

At week three, he divulged that I was his exact opposite; all my strengths were his weaknesses and all his weaknesses were my strengths.  I found this to be divisive right off the bat and from that moment on, it was like trying to not think about purple elephants. Now I was constantly noticing what was different between us; whereas, if I hadn't known we were 'opposites' I wouldn't have cared to look.
I hated feeling like I was being studied under a microscope, put in a box and labeled.  I felt like the deck was stacked against me, as now it was harder to get to know people on a deeper level because everyone's corresponding four letters were already ingrained in my mind.  We had all been 'typified.'
Others in the group accepted their types and moved on.  A few even voiced dissent by presenting inconsistencies or preferences, but all around moved on.
I could not.
Since he brought it up every single week I couldn't escape it.  I had to process.  And I process by talking.

Week four I plastered an annoyed smile on my face and refused to respond or provide Horatio with any more information that could be used against me. On week five I mistakenly flew into an emotional flurry of debate--which seemed to excite him even more.  And it didn't help that he would say things like, "That's exactly how your type responds to this." Or, "Such an SJ thing to do...."
I decided to do more research and get more information.  So I read a few articles online and a critique called The Cult of Personality Testing.
Armed with a few more bits of information, whenever it was brought up, I was able to engage in discussion--this time with a more rational and inquisitive approach.  But it didn't matter, because I was still internally conflicted about the whole MBTI concept.
Every time I talked to Horatio, it was like taking two steps forward and one-and-a-half steps back.  I felt like this subject was never going to go away. (NOTE:  we're in week eleven and it hasn't.  However, a few friends around us have begun to show signs of weariness with the subject, and slight annoyance that it keeps being brought up, so this tells me there's light at the end of the tunnel.)

Once week six rolled around, I had been immersed in a barrage of class assignments for my leadership class that required us to take tests and assessments such as; Multiple Intelligences, SIMA, and spiritual gifts.  GAG ME!! The MBTI--and Horatio--had completely overshadowed my interest in wanting to learn more about myself.   Yet, to get the grade, I trudged through the assessments anyway.

When I read the book for my class, Finding a Job You Can Love by  Ralph T. Mattson and Arthur F. Miller Jr., I was renewed once again.  It is written from a Christian perspective and includes an assessment called SIMA that is a great alternative to the MBTI.  In SIMA (System for Identifying Motivated Abilities) you are able to discover your unique design given by God.  You take the assessment based on things in your past--things you consider to be an achievement. It helps you recognize your motivations, your abilities, and your motivated abilities..  In an interview I heard with the author, he said in the 30 years of working with individuals, churches, corporations, and organizations, he never found the results of two assessments to be the same.  Everyone has a unique Motivated Ability Pattern.

During week six, I influenced five people to purchase the book and read it for themselves. I began to recommend it to everyone I could.  In fact, a friend asked me to help him walk through the book,  take the SIMA, and help him understand the results. I will probably do this in December.

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The timing of Horatio, and my own class assignments with assessments was definitely an example of learning by integration.  It's taken me a long time to process--but it's been fascinating.  Here are a few thoughts, questions, and opinions I have about personality testing--mainly the MBTI:

What is the tool of measurement?
To evaluate, we need criteria.  What is this tool of measurement that we are using to measure the dynamic human personality? Since the results provide a list of  strengths and weakness, is there an ideal in mind that we are being measured against, such as an 'EINSTFJP?'  Is it fair to measure people according to an ideal that does not--and cannot--exist in nature?
Which percentage of these four letters are we employing at a given time, and can we accurately measure the ebb and flow and intensity within?  Do we need to consider the nature of scenarios in which these cognitive functions play a predominate role?  Do scenarios even need to be considered? Can someone be predominate in something that is not manifested in a tangible way?
I see this as just another example of people trying to create a better man. In fact, most personality tests were created for the ultimate pursuit of a Utopian society.  Take a look at history and you'll quickly see there's not such a good track record when it comes to the whole "pursuing a Utopian society" thing.

Results:
The test--at best--only highlights behavioral and cognitive patterns that are shared between people.  Yet results in unbridled application.  People see this as definite and exacting, when it shouldn't be viewed in that way.  It's human nature to want to know more about ourselves, and it's partially the American dream (and an Aristotlean school of thought) to note our weaknesses, assume our strengths will always be strengths, and spend a significant amount of time trying to bring our weaknesses up to the same level as our strengths.

Amusing:
Reading about the types online gives a very 'horoscope-y' feel to the MBTI.  In fact, I once had a friend pick out a description of a type, I was under the impression that it was my own type, however, I couldn't see the four letters.  When she revealed the letters, I realized how much I had identified with this type while under the impression that it was my own.

Applications:
People may limit themselves because of this:  "Oh I can't lead because I'm extremely introverted." Or, "Music is the opposite of what I should be doing, yet here I am," "I can't seem to be on time or make goals because of my NT tendencies."
People also focus on what makes us different from each other.  We may even try to bring up their weaknesses to the same level as our strengths in order to grow them, or to irk them, i.e. "She is such a SF, that I think I broke her brain with my logic."

Consider:
Ralph T. Mattson said it best when he questioned how something can be a weakness if it was never a part of a person's design to begin with.
To paraphrase Dr. Myers, "Should we devote time to concentrating on our weaknesses and try to develop them? Or should we not take our strengths for granted, but instead take time NOW to develop them into the ways God designed them to be?"
What I keep wrestling with, is the whole ambiguity of strengths and weaknesses.  Can we really be sure that something is a weakness? Maybe we are actually strong in it, but in a hidden way, and it will take a situation to develop it.  Maybe we are strong in areas that are very difficult and take a lot of effort and strife--are they strengths or weaknesses?  Does something need to be easy to be a strength?

How then shall we live?
In order to keep myself from going completely crazy, I have come to a few conclusions on how I will live my life now that I've been through this rollercoaster process of assessments.

I WILL:  See people as dynamic and not static.  I will continue to trust in the sovereignty of God and pursue his plan of redemption, and how His plan works by interacting with others.

I WILL:  Develop my own gifts and talents as revealed by God, the Bible, and the affirmation thereof found in my SIMA results, and not MBTI.

In times when I'm conflicted because all I can think about is purple elephants (when all I notice are differences between me and someone else)  I WILL:  Realize that there are many more things in common between me and this person, than differences.  I am only choosing to concentrate on the differences.  I will see that although someone is 'weak' in certain areas, that they are only 'weak' when being compared to something or someone else.

In order to see 'weaknesses' in light of His design I WILL:  realize that they may very well be strengths.  The amount or extent of them is completely irrelevant.  Now instead of seeing differences between us, I only see shared strengths.  This opens an opportunity to grow each other.  After all, "as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another," (Proverbs 27:17).

I am excited to see future opportunities in which I will affirm other's gifts and designs by helping others grow.
The best way to help others to grow, is by working intrinsically.  By working in a way that is natural, that works with God's design, that is devoid of an agenda to mold someone into something they are not.

A closing word of hope:
As much as I'd like to stand here and say that Horatio is my opposite, and gets on my nerves, I can't help but recognize how much he has grown me as a person.  This leadership class, friend group, integration,--is definitely from the Lord.
I recall a time that happened last week in which I sat for over two hours with Horatio in discussion.  I feel as if a part of my brain had been awakened and affirmed.  "As iron sharpens iron..."
Those two hours weren't easy though, there were many times in which I would try to see things from the perspective of his Myers Briggs type, or phrase questions in ways that I think would make sense to him.  That almost always ended up in some kind of disconnect or dissonance.
When I worked with my design (according to SIMA), by listening and sharing what I thought (without purposely mincing words), it was less like swimming upstream, and resulted in progress and a sense of flourishing.