Sidelined

This is something I had written in the beginning of November but never quite finished:

I remember training for many things.
In 10th grade after a very long hiatus, I trained for 9 months to play softball again.  I remember how stressful that was, and exhilarating. My dad was the coach and was very hard on me, I trained with all his club teams whenever I had the chance--13U, 14U, or 18U.  At 16/17 years old, I basically did not have pride anymore and had already embarrassed myself more than I possibly could.  Yet I made it and had a stellar season, I even joined a premier club team that summer as a developmental player and had teammates that played Chaparral varsity softball.
I remember the bruises from getting hit by pitching machines, my own foul ball, creating a ramp with my glove in the infield and the ball hitting me in the nose, or getting it in the face with a dropped fly ball. I remember the sore muscles, the awkwardness of dropping a ball in the process of THROWING it from the outfield (in the presence of 15 year old guys) I remember pulling my hip flexor, pulling it again, then pulling my groin, damaging my lungs and wheezing for a month after working out too much in 50 degree weather. I also remember crying during numerous training sessions when I just wasn't getting it right and dad was yelling to:  Do what he asked, or something different, but NOT the same wrong thing over and over and over. I remember being frustrated that I couldn't do it, but all these feelings went away during a really good practice when everything was in the right order, I had total control of myself mentally and physically, I was throwing well, making plays, and imagining myself as Paul Goldschmidt or other players like Dustin Pedroia.

I remember preparing for the ASU audition and approaching the whole thing with the wrong mindset. I was basically embodying perfectionism, not a scent of artistry to be found. I was simply a fear machine, getting emotional at every mistake and wondering if that mistake would somehow, someway, no matter how many times I drilled it out or wrote it out would make it into the audition.  Then after failing my ASU audition the damaging mind games continued if not, became worse.  I still don't know how I passed the audition the second time.  I devoted myself to applying my teacher's methods for my first semester of college.  I would show "them" how well a Bardin Music Student could succeed. And that's just what I did. I began to completely understand music and musicianship.  You cannot do it without discipline or the relentless pursuit of accuracy. I know that now because I lived it out in practice.

This summer I got back into ballet after not dancing for 7 years.   I did a  little summer intensive with Arianna and was able to get myself back into shape and pull up my technique from the cobwebbed corners of my mind.  I watched every youtube video I could get my hands on, I devoured information, I analyzed movement, I studied dancers on youtube, I listened to music in a different way, I memorized dance steps and combinations.  It took me a few months to listen to my body and find the best warmups, or ways to communicate a correction to myself and apply it. I worked very hard and even pulled most of the muscles in my hip from not being very smart. I couldn't dance for 3 weeks until it healed.  I have made so much progress in dance and am now taking classes at my old studio once a week. I was also in the dance finale for Winter Wonder.

So the previous stories above were moments in time where I had to strive after a goal and the progress I made and my process to accomplish those goals.  I had a lot of moments where I was sidelined by some sort of injury.  In softball and ballet, all I could do was observe practice/class and ice and rest.  In piano, I just had to keep practicing every day and allow time to heal my damaging mindsets; recognizing they were destructive was the first step.

Well now I am sidelined by something so foreign to me.  It is the most hurt I have experienced because it's a different kind of pain.
I was in three different singing ensembles, SBC choir, ASU choir, and a small group singing an original work for recording.  On Wednesdays my rehearsals to all three were on the same day and in the same 5 hour time slot.  I went to a wedding in October and found my voice gravelly and overexerted by talking over the booming music that accompanies wedding receptions.  I had a choir performance that week and more rehearsals and singing for church.
I sang anyway.
Then I found my voice to have less control and my larynx and the muscles in my neck straining.  I had another performance and more rehearsals the following week so I sang for those too.  Well my voice finally gave out. I can't even sing anything higher than the A above middle C without feeling like my throat is being stabbed by a blunt object.
I have put myself on 'singing rest' since that night.  I have not sang at all. I do hum sometimes but only for 10 seconds a day.  Then I got a cold and it's leaving my voice gravelly and unmanageable. I am NOT even attempting to sing until the post-nasal drip is gone. If it hurts to sing, singing with a cold is only exerting more energy.
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Now, here we are and it is almost January. I fear I have done some damage to my voice.  It is such a shame really, I was JUST given the information of a great voice teacher that I was about to study with.  Instead of kicing off 2014 by calling to schedule a consultation with her, I'm going to call a laryngologist and schedule an appointment to see what's going on with my voice.  It no longer hurts to sing, but when I do attempt to sing I find myself clearing my throat often and my pitch accuracy isn't where I think it is.  The best I can explain it, is if you close one eye and then reach for something close to you.  You will end up overshooting it or missing it.  I want to sing a pitch and when I try it's a little sharp or a little flat or no noise comes at all. Also, when I do sing, I feel like it is at 50% less power than it should be and is taking 50% more labor to produce a pitch.  It's a scary feeling and resulting in me not singing at all.  Sometimes I catch myself humming but then I stop suddenly and become silent.
I think God is trying to teach me how to worship without singing.  It's an interesting thought, and definitely involves using my life and obedience as worship.
But at least corporate worship for now is mouthing the words and conducting slightly with my right hand.  So if you see me doing this in the pew next to you, know I'm not crazy.  If I knew sign language then I would sign, but I do not. :)
As I sat sidelined while nursing injuries sustained by my dance or softball endeavors, I know now I have an opportunity before me:  What shall I learn now while I cannot sing? What can I gain by being silent? Should I focus my new-found time into one subject, or diversify and start to study other things?  Time can only tell.