To love

To be patient, kind, not envious, or boastful, or proud, but instead honor others. Not seeking the best of what I want or anger easily, or fall into the trap of keeping a record of wrongs. To not delight in evil but instead rejoice with the truth.
To always protect, trust, hope, and persevere.

Slowly gaining more insight and wisdom when it comes to loving the unloveable in my life.

Those moments

When everything just absolutely, and irreversibly clicks.
When you feel the repercussions of the biggest mistake of the century
When you hate yourself for caring what others think.
So out of control, so narrow-minded.
Tunnel vision til the bitter end.
The next step is so unknown and you ponder and ponder until you're blind and paralyzed with frustration.
 Take a leap.

Regret

Is it also guilt?
That answer lies in one deciding factor:  fault.
If at fault, and causing a great injustice, one is full of guilt.
If not at fault, and causing a great injustice, one is full of regret.
I can't tell which is worse. To feel rotten for something you caused that wasn't your fault; what is that?
At least guilt brings redemption.
But regret, is a horrid mixture of living in the past and moving forward without hope. And the question of, "Did I do the right thing?" Always surfaces.
A new week is about to begin. I find it far easier to duck down and brace against the storm, than to head into it completely blind and unprotected.
I also feel this storm brings no promise of hope, yet venturing into it is necessary.

I hate this waiting
This silence when I'm willing to speak first.
And again I draw back.

Finding Meaning

How long has man tried to find meaning in the midst of trying circumstances? Pretty much since the beginning of time. I feel so cliche sometimes saying it, but I'm really trying to find meaning in all of this. Especially in light of the absolute atomic bomb that cascaded into my life about 3 weeks ago. I miss my life before. But I don't.
I miss certain conversations and people. Lately I'm finding myself scrolling through old conversations. Just so many years of this and now everything has disconnected.
Even some have blocked me from Facebook.
It's hard with people you've known all your life. It's really a tough thing.