when you were here

You taught me to be young and child-like. Even at 19.
You got me hooked on banana Cold Stone with sprinkles and gummy bears.
I remember your awesome Dback's themed room with the flat screen tv and loft. Hard to imagine you were just 17 and already making bank.
I remember when we named our dog after you. You thought it was such an honor. Even after we told you it was because she was so A.D.D.
You told some of the best stories with your brother. Like that one time you threw a gatorade bottle right through the bedroom door while your mom was gone.
You always loved rocking out to this one part in my Mozart piece. I'd play it over and over for you.
And all those late nights with you, my mom and me improvising Heart and Soul on the piano.
Every thanksgiving was party. A 'baking til 4 am party', and playing pranks on whoever fell asleep first.
You had a great taste in music. You introduced me to Peter Gabriel that one time we came over to swim.

Well now I'm passing you in age. Or at least I'm getting older than my last memory of you.
I had a dream you were back. This afternoon I heard this song, thought of you, and my heart sank to remember you aren't here with us. How could I be so stupid to believe a dream? You aren't back, you aren't here.
You're not free yet.

All About ASU

March 16, 2012

ASU + Me = No go

I wasn't accepted into Herberger School of Music.

I stared at the email for a full 12 seconds before drawing a suspicious breath.

Um.

I checked for an apology email detailing a glitch in the server or anything to explain WHY I just received the worst news of my senior year. Yet, it was indeed reality.

The next hour I felt as if I experienced a death. At first I was reeling, second I composed myself, third, I ranted to my mom, veins protruding from my neck. All the steps thereafter were mixtures of anger, wrath, tears, and hopelessness.

I went through Hell and back with these people for that dumb audition and this is what I get?!

The audition process changed me, in those two short months. I committed myself to discipline, reorganization, and priorities on a level I will probably never reach again. If you've seen Shine, then you'll understand I wasn't too far off from fingerless gloves and eating cat food.

It was a grueling process, but ultimately rewarding. I still carry with me everything I learned in January.

In the seconds after reading the email, I never doubted my skills and abilities. I never wished I could have taken back my audition. It was stellar; I left everything on that stage. My interview? The same.

Who completely blows it on a Bach Prelude, to only recover and play the Fugue, Rachmaninoff prelude, and Beethoven sonata flawlessly? Not many do.

Have they seen such a performance of brazen determination and artistic skill? Sure, but they've only seen me once.

Was I seared into their memory as the last auditioned, as the 'girl from the Bardin studio?' Of course. How could they forget my stage presence, and warm personality?

There is no physical way I wasn't accepted. I exceed above and beyond the standards of performing and literature at my level.  My instructor has had numerous students go to ASU and none of them have been rejected.

Well Mr. Bardin, looks like I'm your first failure.

The only thing that makes sense is God must have directed them to turn a blind eye.

That's what puts me so in awe of this rejection.

On such a high level of academia and control, God still manages to manipulate them and sort out the finalities of the undergraduate students. How we forget his omnipresence and dominion!

I'll conclude with some thoughts from my teacher. It was comforting. I am so thankful for wise people in my life.

"I am so sorry. It could be for a number of reasons. It has nothing to do with your talent, abilities, or discipline.

Pray about what to do next. Talk with your parents, and let me know what your next steps are.

This 'rejection' is not a failure. It is just a slight turn in direction. We are guided by our Creator. Since the university cares nothing for our plight or our convictions, one might see this as a compliment and an opportunity.

Jeremiah 29:11...they know nothing of this in your life."

                           --Steven Bardin

I realized:

• You can be on top of the world, smooth sailing and 100% sure of the future, and all it takes is one DETOUR to re-route the course of your destination. 
• The world will continue to spin on its axis whether or not Eve goes to Arizona State.
• God did not send his son, Jesus into the world to make us 'happy.' It's a process of daily taking up the cross and following Him.
• I sympathize with someone in my life who dealt with University Rejection. I glossed over it. I gave a meager, clichéd response. I now know too well the effects of it.

March 17, 2012

I see only the signs of slow dismantlement from a lively soiree that used to be my hopes and dreams.  My "My ASU" page has been updated; a cryptic error message sits where my Devil2Devil profile used to be.  My 'Congratulations' banner of acceptance into ASU is gone, my to-do's and my FAFSA information--conspicuously missing.  

The party is over, people have departed, and only a few wisps of streamers remain, waiting to be released by the wind. 

I am strangely okay with all of this.  An hour last night was the last emotional display of my attachment to this University. I sense a new twist on the horizon.

I have no back up. No other college has accepted me. I have no ambition for anywhere else in the world.

I only have a few opportunities.

To stay here, attend SCC and continue study with my instructor. Continue serving at Scottsdale Bible. After sophomore year, audition to Herberger again and hope to transfer credits.

Or think on the possibility of going to Rivendell Sanctuary in MN for 18 months in fall of 2012 and acquiring an associate's degree--much to the delight of my parents. Leave glorious AZ, leave friends, and leave Scottsdale Bible.

What part about, "I don't want to leave yet" doesn't anyone understand?

all my titles are turning into 'sigh'

Uggg.
Sometimes I just want to escape it all. It's crazy to think the stuff that occurred the past 4 years actually happened at all. It's so odd, awkward, mesmerizing, hilarious, sweet, and painful.
haha I used to hate it when people used blogs as an outlet for existential rants, and now my blog is turning out to be one of them.  WELL. Guess what people, I'm a human, and humans have emotions and memories. And I just happen to have a really crazy memory.
one of these days I'll post old entries I wrote in freshman-sophomore year. I find them interesting. A way of seeing how somebody matures intellectually. I just gotta find where I put those notebooks hahah.