Nightstand

Evidence Bible:  irrefutable evidence for the thinking mind

Red cup:  water

Vintage radio:  11:25 pm

I Spy:  Treasure Hunt

Vintage aiwa walkman: AM 620

Antique glass doornob:  picked up in antique store Colorado 2001. Can't remember where or why.

One thing I learned from that trip

Do what you want now.

And say what you think in the moment.

Because one day, the people you absolutely know and love will change without asking anyone.

You won't see it coming and will have no solution or reprieve.
They will walk across the room; a stranger.
Leaving you and everything that mattered behind.

I already knew that

I'm sick of people using Twitter as a soap box for how amazing their walk with the Lord is. It's kind of annoying.
It's not their fault and its certainly not wrong. I'm just not ready to read those daily updates yet. It's not encouraging me at all.

I just wish it could be like this again

I made my own fun

Because it certainly wasn't going to come to me.

Total dive theater

Sketchy parkinglot
2 screens
$2 per person tickets
Broken seats

We saw Mirror Mirror. It was really cute, and adventurous. Dinner and movie fun with Madison and Gigi.

Self portrait

Second half of the trip. I'm still alive

You have to be careful when you let your friends raise you

Days are the same

Cold, grey, dismal.
I see only remnants of my childhood love for this dying town.
An escaped state of mind from long ago.
Before time dictated my thoughts.
And threatens to claim my feelings.

Slowly checking things off my list

I have a list already. Not too much stuff, of course it's still summer. But I found my favorite VHS I've watched here since I was 8. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
It's also 58 degrees, windy, and drizzly. This thin-blooded AZ kid is not happy at all. Sleeping with a space heater, water bottle, socks, and two blankets.

Self portrait. You can't go wrong with plaid in Minnesota.

Minnesota

I made it.
Here in this town til June 11th.

Just hanging outside with the children and adults. This is how it should be.

Minnesota-bound

I think it's a 28 hour drive?
Well I'm going with my gparents to Minnesota for my cousin's graduation. I can't wait to see Caden, Hannah, Hayden, Madison, Ian, Sam, Conner, Ann and the assortment of aunts, uncles, and other relatives.
Four days in the car tag-teaming with driving is going to be mind numbing. I don't know how I will survive. Please, text me if you want to keep me sane.
I also think I will starve the whole way. I don't eat refined sugar or processed foods anymore so travelling this way is going to be great.
On the up side, I'm going to be missing like 3 graduation parties and the AFHE graduation ceremony while I'm gone. It's not like I don't want to go, I'm just too partied out and kinda want a break from the people I know.
I can't find my camera charger so I'm bringing the Yashica for the trip. Be prepared for film pics later on! 

Graduates

Shooting baskets before the ceremony

Now I can hang my tassle on my mirror. Class of 2012

Cousins

They brought the inflatible Shamu pool toy all the way from San Diego

What's going on

Today I thought I looked pretty without makeup and styled hair.
And skinny in the dressing room mirror.

......It's obviously summer

when you were here

You taught me to be young and child-like. Even at 19.
You got me hooked on banana Cold Stone with sprinkles and gummy bears.
I remember your awesome Dback's themed room with the flat screen tv and loft. Hard to imagine you were just 17 and already making bank.
I remember when we named our dog after you. You thought it was such an honor. Even after we told you it was because she was so A.D.D.
You told some of the best stories with your brother. Like that one time you threw a gatorade bottle right through the bedroom door while your mom was gone.
You always loved rocking out to this one part in my Mozart piece. I'd play it over and over for you.
And all those late nights with you, my mom and me improvising Heart and Soul on the piano.
Every thanksgiving was party. A 'baking til 4 am party', and playing pranks on whoever fell asleep first.
You had a great taste in music. You introduced me to Peter Gabriel that one time we came over to swim.

Well now I'm passing you in age. Or at least I'm getting older than my last memory of you.
I had a dream you were back. This afternoon I heard this song, thought of you, and my heart sank to remember you aren't here with us. How could I be so stupid to believe a dream? You aren't back, you aren't here.
You're not free yet.

Mom

Prom musings

Metallic gold manicure... Couldn't help but stare at it during worship rehearsal. Is that heathen?
Prom is tomorrow

Final week of high school

So far it's turning out to be nothing I expected. Just more of the same crappy crap I've put up with for the past seven months. Nothing is getting easier, but instead it's all getting so obnoxious. Senior photos, senior paragraphs, nostalgic graduation cards, photos for a slideshow, it's all getting in the way of my homework. Grades or posterity? Which is more important? I don't even know anymore. I want to be left alone for the next seven days.

I dropped out of a writing class two weeks ago. This teacher was the antithesis of everything I loved about writing. I could not stomach it for the remainder of the year.
She never understood. She never challenged me. I'm a Senior and I wasn't doing yet another multiple choice busy work assignment. I was just done...
I don't care if I made 'the wrong decision.' Until I'm in college, my parents are the overseers of my education. That is the reason I am homeschooled.

2012

senior pics

I took my own senior pictures. All my plans fell through with the professionals we requested. Oh well, so mom and I went down to the location I wanted and I set up the shots and had her capture them. They turned out really well. :)

wow

next time you ask someone to prom, don't back out in the middle of planning it and claim to have been joking the whole time. my hopes and dreams just went through a blender. prom shouldn't be this complicated.

Worth mentioning

Today, during a routine piano lesson, I played Mozart Piano Sonata No. 8 allegro maesotso. And it hit me, when was the last time I played (for myself or others) with the old pattern of my ways? I couldn't pin a date, but only knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, things were different now.
Music is making sense. I'm understanding things now that my ear and brain could only hope to grasp a couple of months ago. And it seems the debilitating monster of perfectionism is shrinking to nothingness. Practicing is almost a joy, never a chore. Mozart, a journey to play each time, never redundant or dry (considering no pedal is used)
Orchestra is opening up a new chapter:  being a part of something new. A conductor with a genuine spirit, relying on other musicians to play well because it affects you also. And sitting back and watching the process of rehearsing a piece just once, was the most remarkable thing I've ever witnessed.
I am choosing to love music. It's never been more than a slight feeling, pulling me to learn more and push on. I've never understood why people always crow, "ITS MY PASSION" and I wondered why I never felt the same. Now I understand. At least for me, I needed to rewire everything and learn total discipline in order to fall completely in love with music and enjoy all the facets.

Photo: piano lessons in Tempe. It's been part of my life for over 7 years, and is about to continue until December. Then it will dissolve into a different Tempe for the next 4 years...University drive instead of southern ave ;) big difference.

monday monday monday

Had caffiene by accident today. I thought I was gonna go crazy. My eyes felt detached from my sockets and I could have sworn was holding them up with my hands like that guy from, "Aah! Real Monsters."
Not that I ever watched that; it was before my time.
School was amazing. We had an all-school water balloon toss during lunch. Stu ate part of my pizza while I was gone. The other guys crowded around the yearbook and made fun of kids. I saved an extra water balloon for the end of school to toss at Justin. After Worldview, I had my chance and chucked it off the balcony.  It landed two inches to his left. DANG.
Also during physiology class, the new teacher "Josh" said, "'Kay" 277 times. I kept tally marks. It's ridiculous. THat's like 3 'kay's' a minute, for 90 minutes.
I'm no stranger of keeping records concerning speech patterns of teachers. When I was in 3rd grade, we had this student-teacher who is marked in my mind by dress slacks with vertical pleats, listless hair, and typical government-paid, teacher eyes.  She quacked in a monotone and constantly said, "need" every 5 seconds.  "You need to do this..." "You need to pick up," "You need to line up."
One day I was curious kept a record of it on a small sheet of paper tucked in the corner of my desk.  By the end of the day she said "need" 49 times.  I rolled my eyes, stuffed my tally sheet in my pocket and lined up at 2:39.  The bell rang and she called out after us, "Don't forget, you NEED to hand in your permission slips on Monday!" I smirked to myself, that makes 50.
Well, that's nothing compared to the records Mr. "Josh" set today.  I doubt they will ever be broken.
After school I watched The Mystery of Edwin Drood on Masterpiece Classic. It was enthralling, and super haunting.
I'm so tired, but my head is swimming from the caffiene.
I  tried to scale a wall today--with a bow in my hand--fell and gashed my toe pretty good. The bow went flying as I sailed toward the ground, barefoot. Now I'm favoring the darn foot and the back of my knee is tight and twinging with pain.
I'm going to Oregon this weekend. I'm going to miss field day, the Cinderella play, and won't be able to go to the talent show because of orchestra next week. What will I miss out on next? PROM? Just kidding.

T-51 minutes

I have to finish this paper in less than an hour, so I can move on to the next paper, and then one after that! I'm so sick of school!
Our physiology teacher quit teaching 5 weeks before the end of school for personal reasons. We all miss her so much, and the lame dude in her place is so unprofessional it's not even funny. He's patronizing, and condescending, and keeps slamming the old teacher's memory by saying, "She didn't teach you guys anything." and "You all learned nothing." (Which is total crap, by the way. He has never met her, or been in her class, he cannot make those statements.)
I'm soooooooo done with everything here.

Coupla things

1. Wisdom teeth taking advantage of a super inconvenient time to grow in.
2. Mozart is amazing, but I'm not sure if I can pull it together before the performance.

3. I will never go to prom with a guy. So far I have a group of frustrated girls and no escorts. Why is it that homeschooled guys are clueless when it comes to prom.

4. A River Runs Through It is an amazing movie. Got me so nostalgic about fly fishing. I want to go back to Montana almost as much as I want to surf again.

5. Summer countdown starts now. It was way too cold today

Got my hair cut, but forgot to tip my stylist. He's only been cutting my hair all my life. I hate this independent thing and all the responsibilities that follow suit. ;0
So much flipping homework due for school again on Monday. I'm Second Semester Senior and I just wanna take about 8 incompletes and stop having to catch up.
This ran through my head all day:
       It's 92 degrees; do you know where your shorts are?
Hah. I need to shop so bad. Too bad I hate shopping. Everywhere you go you're bombarded by hipster Forever 21 clothes and cheap H&M garbs--hardly the pinnacle of fashion.
Barney's <3
Money :(

Things occupying my time:

The Golf Channel. It's literally on our tv 24/7. How have I not liked this sport sooner? Btw, Rory McIlroy <3

Manual film photography. I finally got to photograph during spontaneous memories made in Tempe. I've wished to do that for over three years now.

Music. It is becoming the most enjoyable facet of my life. Listening, studying, practicing, and expressing.  I now extend open arms to my repertoire; I used to dread every single piece I ever studied. Interesting how things change when you implement discipline into your life...

Books. I'm actually reading. My whole high school has been a blur, but senior year is highlighted with a hefty amount of books. I've read 5 C.S. Lewis books already, and a few others on apologetics.
The Deadliest Monster by J.F. Baldwin and The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel.
Highly fascinating.
I just finished 1984 and Jacob, Have I Loved I read them for fun during spring break.

I love my two windows to the world. I'm glad to spend 2 hours of my life with this instrument.

Today was totally fun. I think I enjoy my family more than any other people I hang around. It's so easy to just 'be' with them. We hiked papago and then explored the old TB hospital and Mill ave in full swing. My uncle is hilarious. Total dry and self depricating  humor that catches you by surprise and before you know it you're laughing hysterically.
Here is his senior portrait. My grandma always showcases the visiting family member by bringing out their senior portrait. I think I kind of look like the Schrim side, even though I'm pretty much a carbon copy of my father.
Mom was tired driving home so I sang songs from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the good one, the one with Gene Wilder. "I Want it Now" and "Pure Imagination."
I must have annoyed her to the point of severe driving concentration. No time for dozing off when you're gritting your teeth.
Then we tuned into KBAQ and tried to guess the song. Two seconds into a piano concerto and I said immediately, "Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto no. 2, first movement."
It's amazing. We blasted it as loudly as we would with any Led Zeppelin song.
Funny how much changes in 2 years.

Those moments

When everything just absolutely, and irreversibly clicks.
When you feel the repercussions of the biggest mistake of the century
When you hate yourself for caring what others think.
So out of control, so narrow-minded.
Tunnel vision til the bitter end.
The next step is so unknown and you ponder and ponder until you're blind and paralyzed with frustration.
 Take a leap.

Favorite types of music/instruments ever

• Choral music
• Organ
• Piano
• Clarinet

Recently, I've enjoyed these


Heard this one 2 years ago and it still sticks with me


Ola Gjeilo is amazing

How could this happen?

Yesterday in Christian Worldview  we watched a pro-life video by a man speaking on refuting common assertions and arguments made against pro-lifers and how to intelligently refute them.  It was immensely interesting.  Part of it also contained video footage of actual abortions.  We all knew what we were going to view and I didn't think it would be that bad and I have a high tolerance to medical things anyway. But I was not prepared for what I would see next. I only glanced up at the screen four times, before leaving. Most of the class looked away; one girl went outside to cry.  Emily and I left the room. I was pale and shaking, I could feel shock setting in.  We went into the bathroom, Emily threw up and I just bent over the sink and let the water run over my arms and tried not to hurl. It took about two hours to feel normal again, the images of disfigured babies and the reality of many souls robbed of life turned my stomach to rot.  Emily finally started talking after minutes of silence and gaping.
"You know that feeling when you feel like life is a cartoon? I feel like that right now. I mean, is this even real?"
"Yeah." I said, "I don't understand why those doctors don't run screaming out of the room seconds into surgery."
"I...I saw so much of myself in those babies. This is horrible."
"I've never seen anything so--real in all of my life. Those were real people--"
"Yeah so let's just toss 'em in the trash? Who DOES that?!"

So when I got home I still felt incredibly disturbed. I found out mom went to the emergency room while I was at school because she had a scary migraine that took away her peripheral vision. But honestly, I could not even feel concerned in the least bit. I really thought I was incapable of producing any more emotions. So I took a nap, woke up still nauseous and got in the car and visited her at the hospital.  The clinic was so ominous of the video and it didn't help things that I passed a pregnant lady in the hall. Whenever a baby was born in the hospital they played a simple line from Brahms' Lullaby through the speakers.

If they played music every time a baby was aborted in the United States, that speaker would ring indefinitely.

Regret

Is it also guilt?
That answer lies in one deciding factor:  fault.
If at fault, and causing a great injustice, one is full of guilt.
If not at fault, and causing a great injustice, one is full of regret.
I can't tell which is worse. To feel rotten for something you caused that wasn't your fault; what is that?
At least guilt brings redemption.
But regret, is a horrid mixture of living in the past and moving forward without hope. And the question of, "Did I do the right thing?" Always surfaces.
A new week is about to begin. I find it far easier to duck down and brace against the storm, than to head into it completely blind and unprotected.
I also feel this storm brings no promise of hope, yet venturing into it is necessary.

Let's see where this takes us

coming back as we are

I'm still in college limbo.
But I've decided I'm still going to pursue ASU. I'll either enter fall 2012 as a creative writing major and prepare for another audition.
Or I could find a way to audition this summer as a music education major.
Then again, there's always SCC, GCC, or PVCC for two years and then try to transfer. All of these are ASU related. I have no ambition to be a 'Lope' or 'Firestorm' 'Lumberjack' or 'Wildcat.'
I really want this. I really want to learn more about this field. Social life woes, missing out on 'dorm' experience, and school spirit mean almost nothing to me. I have my lanyard and sweatshirt; it's enough. I have my parents, friends, and other mentors in my life.
I don't even know why I'm still writing. This is redundant.

All About ASU

March 16, 2012

ASU + Me = No go

I wasn't accepted into Herberger School of Music.

I stared at the email for a full 12 seconds before drawing a suspicious breath.

Um.

I checked for an apology email detailing a glitch in the server or anything to explain WHY I just received the worst news of my senior year. Yet, it was indeed reality.

The next hour I felt as if I experienced a death. At first I was reeling, second I composed myself, third, I ranted to my mom, veins protruding from my neck. All the steps thereafter were mixtures of anger, wrath, tears, and hopelessness.

I went through Hell and back with these people for that dumb audition and this is what I get?!

The audition process changed me, in those two short months. I committed myself to discipline, reorganization, and priorities on a level I will probably never reach again. If you've seen Shine, then you'll understand I wasn't too far off from fingerless gloves and eating cat food.

It was a grueling process, but ultimately rewarding. I still carry with me everything I learned in January.

In the seconds after reading the email, I never doubted my skills and abilities. I never wished I could have taken back my audition. It was stellar; I left everything on that stage. My interview? The same.

Who completely blows it on a Bach Prelude, to only recover and play the Fugue, Rachmaninoff prelude, and Beethoven sonata flawlessly? Not many do.

Have they seen such a performance of brazen determination and artistic skill? Sure, but they've only seen me once.

Was I seared into their memory as the last auditioned, as the 'girl from the Bardin studio?' Of course. How could they forget my stage presence, and warm personality?

There is no physical way I wasn't accepted. I exceed above and beyond the standards of performing and literature at my level.  My instructor has had numerous students go to ASU and none of them have been rejected.

Well Mr. Bardin, looks like I'm your first failure.

The only thing that makes sense is God must have directed them to turn a blind eye.

That's what puts me so in awe of this rejection.

On such a high level of academia and control, God still manages to manipulate them and sort out the finalities of the undergraduate students. How we forget his omnipresence and dominion!

I'll conclude with some thoughts from my teacher. It was comforting. I am so thankful for wise people in my life.

"I am so sorry. It could be for a number of reasons. It has nothing to do with your talent, abilities, or discipline.

Pray about what to do next. Talk with your parents, and let me know what your next steps are.

This 'rejection' is not a failure. It is just a slight turn in direction. We are guided by our Creator. Since the university cares nothing for our plight or our convictions, one might see this as a compliment and an opportunity.

Jeremiah 29:11...they know nothing of this in your life."

                           --Steven Bardin

I realized:

• You can be on top of the world, smooth sailing and 100% sure of the future, and all it takes is one DETOUR to re-route the course of your destination. 
• The world will continue to spin on its axis whether or not Eve goes to Arizona State.
• God did not send his son, Jesus into the world to make us 'happy.' It's a process of daily taking up the cross and following Him.
• I sympathize with someone in my life who dealt with University Rejection. I glossed over it. I gave a meager, clichéd response. I now know too well the effects of it.

March 17, 2012

I see only the signs of slow dismantlement from a lively soiree that used to be my hopes and dreams.  My "My ASU" page has been updated; a cryptic error message sits where my Devil2Devil profile used to be.  My 'Congratulations' banner of acceptance into ASU is gone, my to-do's and my FAFSA information--conspicuously missing.  

The party is over, people have departed, and only a few wisps of streamers remain, waiting to be released by the wind. 

I am strangely okay with all of this.  An hour last night was the last emotional display of my attachment to this University. I sense a new twist on the horizon.

I have no back up. No other college has accepted me. I have no ambition for anywhere else in the world.

I only have a few opportunities.

To stay here, attend SCC and continue study with my instructor. Continue serving at Scottsdale Bible. After sophomore year, audition to Herberger again and hope to transfer credits.

Or think on the possibility of going to Rivendell Sanctuary in MN for 18 months in fall of 2012 and acquiring an associate's degree--much to the delight of my parents. Leave glorious AZ, leave friends, and leave Scottsdale Bible.

What part about, "I don't want to leave yet" doesn't anyone understand?

I hate this waiting
This silence when I'm willing to speak first.
And again I draw back.

American Animosity

" If Rick [Santorum] could have just shut his mouth about all the religion garbage then he would have had a legitimate shot at the presidency. Americans will vote for a Catholic before voting for a Mormon but they will not vote for a religious zealot before a quiet man of faith. I want to know they are moral people, I DO NOT WANT TO BE PREACHED TO. "


"Who in their right mind would want a 21st century superpower be governed after the bible? 
The catholic church admitted only 20 years ago that the earth is round !! But then all we have to do to solve global warming, energy shortage, over population, world hunger is pray !! What a concept."


This was one of many comments on the latest Yahoo article about Santorum. Usually the commenters are quite conservative, but I could find no positive statements about Santorum. Instead I saw the word, "American version of the Taliban," "zealot" "fanatic" "insane"  I am starting to become really concerned about this election. I love Santorum and everything he fights for. But the rest of America is so corrupted. They HATE their darkness to be exposed to light. Of course they don't want to be compaired to the Bible, it only highlights their need for a Savior and people can't stand that.
 It makes me think:  if it was between Obama and Santorum, Obama would probably win. If Santorum wins, God is pretty much giving us a second chance.  If anyone else wins, it's 50/50. Hasn't anyone read the Bible where people do terrible things 'in the sight of the LORD' and he obliterates them? No one has respect for the creator; we're all so selfish and sinful here. 
As of November, I started to realize how terrible the world is. (It's not a happy place.)  How sinful everyone is. 
Our country is declining, and if you can't see it, you're absolutely blind. The common worldview almost everyone in this country shares from the ages of 17-29, is very humanistic, entitled, ignorant about the price of freedom, brainwashed from public school, accepting of EVERYTHING [including 'equality' and 'tolerance'] but at Christianity they roar and ridicule.  It makes me sick to think that I'm going to grow up in THIS environment. Where Christians are persecuted, the government controls everything, gay marriage in every state, etc. I don't know what to do. I literally do not. College is going to suck. 

Here I sit:

Mechanically pressing the refresh key on my computer.
One email is all it takes to grant or deny me entrance into the Herberger School of Music.
How I wish they'd speed up the process! It's nearing 8 o'clock.

I'm getting bored from dissecting my Ernest Becker quote. What a sad, vulgar man.

I'm also becoming vexed at the infiltration of the 'tolerance' movement in every aspect of my intellectual journey. It's plastered on the screen of my deceptive Netflix family movie, it's sinisterly woven into my books, and blatantly defiles the small amount of pop music that occasionally enters my ears.
I don't even know why I bother trying anymore with this world.
I can only dread the upcoming months of studying music with a bunch of...non-Christians. I'm prepared to come across the ones who are 'open' and those who are not.  I hope for my sake, and their's, I will realize the distinction.

1 John 4:4-6 You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. They are from the world and therefore speak from the viewpoint of the world, and the world listens to them. We are from God, and whoever knows God listens to us; but whoever is not from God does not listen to us. This is how we recognize the Spirit of truth and the spirit of falsehood.

2008
Tempe, AZ

Read. This

Why I quit Facebook - NYPOST.com

So concise, so exacting.

Prom Central

Preparing over here, for prom 2012..

Downton Abbey-inspired prom dress? I think yes.

“People ask me what I do in the winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring.”
—Rogers Hornsby

Journey of Worship

I'm going to be playing in the Journey of Worship on Februrary 24th. It's an event by Scottsdale Bible celebrating their 50th year anniversary. I'm playing in the 'next generation' band and hopefully singing in the choir too. If anyone is interested in going to this all-church worship night, click here for more information and text me so I can look forward to seeing you there!

Finding Meaning

How long has man tried to find meaning in the midst of trying circumstances? Pretty much since the beginning of time. I feel so cliche sometimes saying it, but I'm really trying to find meaning in all of this. Especially in light of the absolute atomic bomb that cascaded into my life about 3 weeks ago. I miss my life before. But I don't.
I miss certain conversations and people. Lately I'm finding myself scrolling through old conversations. Just so many years of this and now everything has disconnected.
Even some have blocked me from Facebook.
It's hard with people you've known all your life. It's really a tough thing.

Superbetter Sunday

While others are staring at a screen, and mechanically feeding chips and dip into their mouths, I am at home writing a 3 page essay on Frog and Toad's Christmas.
Essentially, an 8 page children's story that takes about 20 seconds to read, has filled 3 pages on my word document. I had no clue I can analyze so much.  Mom says I should be a lawyer, but I think I'll pass on the school and money. Besides, this is the thing I understand and enjoy the most:



I'm going to bike ride later to a friend's house and watch parts of the bowl then ride back in time for.....



DOWNTON ABBEY!!! (Or as Dad calls it, 'Dumb-Dumb Abbey.) It's been about 5 weeks of interrupting his Sunday night football for a British series and he's just about had enough.

Well, folks

We've officially moved into single-digits.
9 days