this is scary

I honestly do not remember this kind of hostility happening four years ago. It is terrifying to think of what can progress in the next four years.

comments form Romney's concession speech video

• It is funny how every single f--- in that room is white, but when we look at Obama's crowds they are of all kinds of people.

  peggletube 2 hours ago 22 

   
• IF YOU LOOK AT THIS CROWD. ONLY WHITE: NO BLACKS AND ASIANS AND LATINOS. THATS WHY YOU LOST ROMNEY: YOU SUCK ROMNEY AND REPUBLICAN PARTY

  
  

  The Mitt Romney supporters aren’t just all white they are all wearing designer clothes lol. Most of the republican supporters are probably very religious. Not surprising seeing as the only people who would vote for a republican, are those who are very deluded in there idealistic worlds. Look at Obamas supporters, the representatives of multiculturalism, strong democracy’s, and of course the representatives of the FUTURE!! WAKE UP!! LOOK AROUND!! YOU DELUDED IDIOTS!!!

notes from Palin

America, don’t lose heart. This election is not an “Obama mandate,” nor is it a rejection of conservatism. Unanswered ads like this one running in blue collar swing states defined Romney early on, and the Obama media also piled on with the narrative that Romney would harm the middle class. (As I personally have witnessed, once a bell is rung by a biased media, it’s impossible to un-ring it.) Ironically, it’s Obama’s socialist policies that will destroy America’s working class as he outsources opportunities.

Hang in there, America. Fight for what is right. Don’t look to government or any politician to solve your problems. Government can’t make you happy, healthy, wealthy or wise. Obama is a master at reading the right “soaring” words fed into his teleprompter, but actions speak louder than words. So, hold tight to 2 Corinthians 4:8 because we’re in for a wild ride.

We must survive. United. One nation under God.

"We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but not forsaken, struck down, but not destroyed." – 2 Corinthians 4:8-9.

- Sarah Palin

questions

The popular vote clearly showed the country's winner.
Why should Ohio count more than the rest? This is so illogical.
This electorate doesn't count anymore; our country is much more metropolitan on a state-wide level. This isn't the 1940s with most of the population converging in one area.

The truth is:  we have lost our culture over the past 5 years. The 18-30 year olds have been completely converted by this administration, the thievery of the press, and the monster of the internet.
This culture is chasing a dream of a eutopia without the prescence of God or morality . Little do they know this is the speediest way to socialism.

I will forever remember this moment as the defining moment in history where our country took the one-way road. We will never recover.

i hate this

nobody knows how I feel
I can't prioritize or use enough self-discipline.
I feel like I have a learning disorder
I can't figure out what's going on
I can't find a solution
I can't fix things NOW
I don't know what to do regarding my grades
i hate this i hate this i hate this

I hate having 4 meltdowns a week. I don't know what is going on. my success is moving too slow to keep up with time. i'm ruining EVERYTHING. nothing is working. I just want to walk away

This week

I feel like I have recovered 80% from the sadness and dissatisfication that so gripped me from September to October. I would really not like to relive those months.
It's amazing what praying and reading the Bible a few times will do.

I cannot believe the election is in 48 hours.

Im so psyched I can't sleep

my costume is FANTASTIC and I can hardly close my eyes. I can't wait to trick or treat..
 like omg.

I Have a Fan

He believes in my abilities.
He knows I won't let them change me.
He offers suggestions, draws parallels from his life, quotes the Bible, says outlandish yet refreshing Conservative statements.
He really helps me get a grasp of the TRUE world of the field I'm going into.
He's my piano teacher, Mr. Bardin. I've seen him more than my own grandparents these past 8 years.
It's good to have people who believe in you, know when to scold you, and push you harder because they see your potential.

sick of it. doing something about it

Honestly, I don't even know where I am right now. 

My thoughts are poison to me. I haven't been this way since spring 2010. I wouldn't go out and say the 'D' word. (depression) but I believe it's as close as I can get to it as a Christian.

I have to do something about it. Self-pity isn't helping. People are starting to get sick of my complaining. 

I'm going back to the way that helped me in the past:  writing down Satan's lies swimming around in my mind. The ones that keep me up for hours and play like a loop while at home. I don't want to be so introspective. I only want to focus on God.

When the lies are laid out on the page, I can really separate them from the truth that I KNOW, and the lies vying to become my reality. The next step is to find various scripture passages that combat each of these lies. This really worked out in the past. Spiritual warfare is so prevalent. 

So, for the next week or so, this is where I'll be. Writing, reading, and fighting darkness. 

Two songs that stand out this weekend:  "Be Thou My Vision" and, "In Christ Alone."

We sang "In Christ Alone" during church today. Being a part of Renew weekend was amazing. I can't wait for the 100th year anniversary. I wonder if I'll still be in choir. The worship at this church really leads you to the throne room. 

why am I even here?

Sometimes the reality hits me that I'm really here, at ASU.
This weird, loser-infested , desolate wasteland, liberal institution.
Like, cmon. Is this for reals? Did I really walk past that, or read this, or hear that without a second glance? I can't believe I'm used to all of this stuff. A year ago, I would have been screaming and running away.
How come I think Herberger is going to be any different?
Yesterday, I recorded a show on the educational tv channel. It was about "The World of Music."
I started playing it because I thought it was going to be interesting.
I watched it for 3 minutes before deleting the thing.
They had uppity, college professors discussing what the 'definition of music' really is. An Asian guy said, "It's the sounds I make from my violin," and other nincompoops saying, "It's outrageous for anyone to tell someone else that what they call music, really isn't music. Who are they to say it? If it's music for someone, then it's still music."
*Cue the 20th century audio barf coming from the piano. And include various musical styles from all around the world:  the wailing of the nomads on the Mongolian plains, incessant drumming from the Pakistanis, and yodels ranging across the Swiss Alps.*
I'm pretty sure I'll have to write a dissertation on this or something at Herberger.
Now I understand why Mr. Bardin decided to not teach college.


I guess I just need to suck it up.

omg

When is this semester over? I can't take it anymore.
Oh, and this will be the first year in 18 years that I won't be trick-or-treating. I tried to ask two of my friends what they were doing but they literally stopped replying to my text conversation right as I mentioned it. It's so rude it's not even funny.

I feel like everybody has deserted me. That nobody wants to do anything with me anymore. I hate this. I thought I would still be friends with my homeschooling/high school group. I was wrong. Is it too much to ask to want some consistent friends who enjoy being around me as much as I enjoy being around them?

So I have a costume picked out and everything. I'm gonna wear it to ASU because everyone else is. And if I wear it to Chipotle I get a burrito half off. Then I get to sit at home for the rest of the night. Nobody ventures down our long, dark, and lonely street. That's the extent of my halloween.

My Stance on Immigration and the 1924 Restriction Act

Quotas in and of themselves are not bad.  It is merely taking into account certain categories and assigning numbers to those categories based on quantifiable information.  As a basis for the 1924 Immigration Act, these quotas are assigned to nationalities.  These numbers were taken from a census and therefore created a quota system based on race.  Race and nationalities can get confusing, and it is hard to solidify the definition of a nationality based on racial background.  If I were president and certain people groups inside of my country were concerned about their populations dying off, I would not enact a law that prohibits the entry of other unrelated people groups.  The only approach I would use—and if it was deemed effective—would be to prohibit any immigration for at least a year.  Therefore, I am being discriminatory (as in the formal definition of the word; making a distinction between things.) However, I am not basing my discrimination against certain races but the human race, collectively. 

--When professors ask for my opinion, this is what they get. 

more thoughts.

today I compiled an incomplete list of quiet nooks and crannies on campus. These places are ideal for studying, paper writing, and eating by myself LOL. I put the list on the back of my notebook.
Any level above 1 at the Hayden Library is pure, quiet, stuyding bliss. You feel like you step back in time while up there, it's STRAIGHT 1960s.
The 3rd floor is devoted entirely to Government documents and NOBODY is ever there. It's a huge floor full of rows and rows of books. As you pass the rows the smell of old books engulf you. They have books there from 1900 and later.  They're still there because they're not in circulation anymore and can't be taken from the room. Library's keep everything nice. Tables, chairs, and floors are all in good/clean condition.
As I walked through an ilse, I saw a guy passed out on a bench, taking an impromtu nap with his face pressed to the germy blue pleather. I instantly rejoiced in my head:  I've been looking for a nap area forever!

I think I'm beginning to enjoy this place. I don't know why. I don't know how. I only feel a slight inkling of endearment with my surroundings. This is good, considering all I've ever felt for the past 9 weeks is sheer terror and dissatisfaction.
I also found this place with benches on the roof of the office building connected to the circular music building. It's on the 3rd floor and is quiet and free of smokers.

I am really interested in teaching myself stenography. It's on my bucket list, so I start tomorrow. It's really easy, they have PDF files of the Gregg method online.

the next couple of months

Classes just became available today for Spring.
Registration begins October 29th.
It's looking like I'll have to take 8 classes next semester and be at ASU 4-5 times a week instead of 3 times.
But I don't care, because I'm sick of taking classes that have nothing to do with the things I enjoy.
At the same time, I don't know how I'm going to transition from the piano studio to a university. It's going to be very, very sad.
I still haven't gotten an official OK from Herberger, scheduling my audition.
I'm going to go to the Intro to Rowing event on December 8th at Tempe Town Lakes.
I'm looking forward to this! I've wanted to row for many years now.
We've just started rehearsals for Winter Wonder, the Christmas Performance at SBC. It's really challenging, but I love it. I've never been in a a church Christmas production before.
Here's one of the songs we're doing during the Nativity sequence.
Try to ignore the weird visuals in the video, but you get the gist of it. Such an amazing song.

it's a cycle

my life is a cycle
week after week it's up and down
analyzing EVERYTHING
being so emotional
bad self talk
then the next week it's all good.
I overcome obstacles
understand that things are working out and life is okay
and I'm happy
then the process repeats

I am tired of being tired
Tired of daunting assignments overshadowing fall break
Tired of failing
Tired of October
Tired of floating around
Tired of lack of willpower
Tired of change
Tired of being alone
Tired of silence
Tired of nostalgia
Tired of growing older

I'm supposed to be writing a paper

But I can't really start it. So I'm just going to ramble on and blogpost. And I really need to work on not relying on passive verbs. So here goes:

Last night was an incredible start to a Scottsdale Autumn. The temperature peaked at 78 and rain scattered over our roof multiple times during the day. 
I love having a flat roof; the sound of the rain, mild or deafening, is very relaxing. You can always tell when it's raining or when a dust storm is raging past. I've only ever heard rain in this fashion.
We opened the doors and windows.  The wind blew in gusts which sent our wind-chime clanging.  It takes a substantial amount of wind to get the chime to sing.  It's made of triangualr rusted iron panels and sounds very melancholy.  In the midst of booming thunder and the static rain sounds overhead, I can hear the chime erratically striking the flatted notes.

Okay, I think I got that down. I want to continue about the day:

I did homework (sort of) and then got ready for my first SBC college group small group. 
I haven't been in a small group in months, and the whole idea of going back to Bible study puts me on edge, considering the incident in January.
My phone's GPS wasn't working, so I just studied the map and thought I could rely on my internal navigation skills.
I could not find the lady's house. How embarrasing. It was dark, lightning was flashing, and I was making multiple 3-point turns because my car has the turning radius of Texas. 
Sometimes there were house numbers listed, and sometimes only faint painted numbers could be seen on the concrete gutter on the street.  So there I was, inching along in my car with my face pressed to the window trying to read the tiny house numbers aided by the sporadic illumination of sodium-vapor streetlights.
Finally I found the house and walked up. It was then when I felt like I had stepped back in time. I got this bristling feeling on my scalp and it threw me for a loop.
I know this house. I've been here many times.
When I walked in, I couldn't help but take notice of all the tiny details that might match up to any indication of familiarity.
I know it's a track-home, but the floor plan fits the exact dimension.
The green carpet is gone. There's a keyboard in the living room on the north wall; I remember an upright piano sitting in that exact spot. New homeowners who have toured a home sometimes take ideas of where to put furniture based on the staging. Not a coincidence.
The oven, refrigerator, and sink are all in the same spot, the chandelier looks very familiar. Most people don't bring their chandeliers with them when they leave. But is it the same one?
Everything has been remodled. Travertine floors in the house, instead of cream-colored tile with grey grout. 
The maple bookcase is gone. Was that original? Probably not. Must have been heavy to move though.
The fireplace is in the same spot. There are sliding glass doors leading to the patio, just like the last time I was here. Wouldn't these homes usually have french doors?
There is a pool. There has always been a pool. But this is the first time I've been in the backyard so I have nothing to compare it to.
The lady mentioned moving here about 2 years ago. It fits!

So I'm doing this Sherlock-esque categorizing as I walk through the house to meet the small group in the backyard. I crack myself up.

It was pouring when I left that night.  I paused at the front door to inspect the glass mosaic-inlay; I just know it's the house...I know it.

I can never shut my mind off at night and I couldn't remember the house address of the family. I needed to do some fact-checking.
I combed through the recesses of my mind to remember the husband's name.  A few clicks on google and the old owner's name/address pops up.

9746--It's the same house!
It's kind of eerie to be a visitor in the same house, but with different owners. They completely remodled the interior of the house, mainly kitchen, living room, and great room.  There's still this connection to the previous owners, but only I share this. It just lives on in my head and in my feelings. Completely bizzare.

SO SAD

I turned in my writing project 30 minutes late. I got docked down from an A to a B.
SIGH

Don't know what to do

I just scrolled through instagram like I usually do. Only this time I realised how many friends I don't have right now. I have not hung out with my 'group' since the last day of school. We are all in separate directions. Nobody is doing the same thing so we are all separated from each other. Some are at community college, ACU, schooling at home, at Covenant, doing Abeka...etc.
It's not like they're having fun without me. We ALL inhabit lonely, segregated circles and never see each other.
I only hang out with Kenzie once a month, if I do hang out with anyone. Jesse lives at our house and I only see him and Olivia on weekends. Jack stops by now and then. But he is working two jobs. I eat by myself at school. I come home to my parents. I go to piano lessons and see Mr. Bardin. I do choir at SBC with the old people/adults and Julia who is 16.

When you see it in writing, it really looks depressing. But I wouldn't say I'm depressed. I have no time to be depressed. I've already had a breakdown so there's really nothing left but to move on and study for midterms.

“Sicilia” by Gregory J. Lawler

Source: One Planet Photo
 I am so digging this picture right now. I just want to jump into this world. I saw it in the ASU cafe library. It seemed so out of place; I didn't expect to find interesting photography in a boring library. There's just something about film that tells the story wayy better than digital. I want to take pictures again.

I could watch this a thousand times in succession

today has gotten substantially worse

I have to write/finish 5 papers tonight. Most of them are with my Asian teacher who can't speak english very well and relies heavily on rubrics.  Basically, if your paper isn't fiting the rubric AKA "The Box" then you'll get docked points. I hate having to write FOR somebody. If I write for myself, and the way I've been trained I get a C. I can't believe how static this paper is turning out--THIS boring drivel is what gets me an A? I don't get it.

Is it because I don't  know how to give 80% work? That I've been used to overachieving and putting in 150% my whole life?

I need to get good grades or I'll fail. If I fail I will get my financial aid taken away.

I can't believe I'm putting my grades ahead of my piano. I haven't practiced piano (with quality) in the past two days. TWO DAYS. I need to make this audition!!!!

I MUST survive until December 11th. Right now, I don't know if I can make it without having a legit breakdown.

It's been over 30 days and I still can't get my schedule to work out. Am I incapable of managing my time? Is my perfectionism making it impossible to complete tasks? I never procrastinate. I'm always working on homework. Every day. No matter how much I work on things I can never get them done right.
----EDIT----

Mom just told me it's "too late for a breakdown."  She took one look at my melted-cheese face and puffy eyes and went right away to make me some dinner.

"Can't I just have one weekend where I'm not doing school and concentrate on other things?" I wailed.
"It's college." Mom bellowed, "And no you don't get a break! Because everybody else is partying their "butt" off and flunking out!"

My head hurts. I don't know what just happened. First I'm hyperventilating, then I'm eating, and now I'm sitting in silence. I think I need to schedule meals into my life.

seriously!

I'm writing a paper on the career of music education and I'm finding everything so stressful right now.
This mandatory ASU 101 class is driving me INSANE.
this SUCKS!
WHYYYYYYYYY do we have to know right away at 18 what our 'career' and our 'life' is going to be like?
I'm questioning everything I've ever known about my interests and it's bugging me. I am so black-and-white and I hate having to explore and analyze each one. Great, now all I see is hazy grey.

I DON'T EVEN CARE.
And all this emphasis on 'sustainability' and 'diversity' is a bunch of hoopla.

Why can't they just let us take our classes and leave us alone?

A freakin indoctrination camp is what this is.
I feel my eye sockets and ears throbbing. Does that mean I have high blood pressure? Pretty sure it does.

Starting to get it

I know you take relatives for granted, but now that I'm getting older I'm realizing they're the only people group that will constantly be in my life for the next 70 years. Nobody else can do that.

Im really missing Minnesota right now tonight. I miss my family there. I miss the snippet of a Midwest summer that I consecutively get to experience.

But oh my gosh I love Arizona. Today was one of the most beautiful days.

warning: 8th grade girl present (belieber post)

Yes, today I will eat and listen to BELIEVE (fav tracks: 1-10, 12, 14-15) and work out, do homework and watch Person of Interest!

...or I could just leave out the homework part.

....better not.


This album is soo good.
So is grilled cheese.

What is wrong with me? Why am I talking like this. Nobody wants to read a post like this; I wouldn't want to read this. Am I actually happy today? This is crazy. I think it's because tomorrow is Friday (can't wait.) ---THERE I GO AGAIN!!!

Late night rambles and complaining

My face is breaking out since I stopped using Duac.
I've listened to the album Believe by Justin Bieber 4 times all the way through today. It's catchy and only 3 dumb songs out of 16.
I average about 2hrs and 50 min worth of homework on Tuesday/Thursday (days not at ASU) and I only manage to get 30 min done. I need to get out of the house. It's becoming a problem.
All I ever do is listen to Odyssey when I want to party.
My camera is gathering dust in the corner of my room.
So is my Bible.
I'm on the edge of a sinus infection.
I need to wake up in 5 hours.

Photo:  durango 2011. Take me baaack. Nothing remains. Those pants don't fit, those vans are old, I'm not skipping rocks across a stream.. I'm in a loser-infested school, biking to my 'favorite' history class, the shortcut takes me around this corner by the dumpsters, and I plow through an invisible wall of garbage smell and look up at the sky crying for meaning in my life.

Slacking Again

Turned my paper in 31 minutes late. --yeee.

Seriously, I don't even care because I'm still trying to get over the fact that this wimpy english class is actually challenging me. I haven't been challenged in writing since 2008. No joke.

I know I'm going to have to fall a bunch of times on my face before I can do something right.
Critique away, Professor. I can't wait to see what you come up with.

Meaning

Honest.
I miss it
Can we go back in time
For the sake of reliving a week?

Best friend.
So alive.
Shy, seated across
As a campfire glows to tell the tale

Dancing flames playing on the stillness of sand
You soared to look at the stars
I sunk like a hammock in motion
Let the music fill my world

Overwhelmed by the fulfilling acoustic guitar
Your soulful electronic words that meant so much
It's in the context we denied.
Ignoring the world's blatant cries.
That kept alive the timid facade

This was the distance
As much as we cared
As we were willing to go
In the dark, glassy nights of wonder

bad news bears

lots of work to do.
the computer is a time-sucker
I hate feeling like I'm not accomplishing anything
welcome to perfectionism :)

IT WOULD BE REALLY NICE TO HAVE THE ABILITY TO BREATHE AND EAT AT THE SAME TIME..

Slacking and Winning

I'm not going to school tomorrow, my adrenals, immune system and mind needs a break. Especially after what I went though today:
I played the best performance of my life tonight. A theme from Phantom of the Opera at the Music of the Cinema performance with Bardin Music Studio at Chandler Center for the Performing Arts. I was feeling SO sick with a cold. I felt listless, lethargic, stuffy and had to sit through 76 minutes of everyone's pieces in a sqeaky chair, tight dress (freshman 15), pinching shoes and half-lidded eyes. FINALLY it was my turn to head backstage. Mr. Bardin noticed my pasty face once I walked through the stage door and said, "This is your life now. Whatever nervousness you're feeling; put it out of your mind." My lack of an answer promted him to ask why I was nervous.
"Oh it's not that," I said, "I'm just sick."
"Sick? What kind of sick?"
"Like, I have a cold and just want to curl up in a ball and sleep right now."
I waver on my feet and grip the metal railing on the spiral staircase that leads downstairs to the warm-up room.
"Well. You're just going to have to go out there anyway. I could tell you all about the lower back pain I had this morning, but that's just life--"
I slowly descend the metal stairs thinking to myself, wow Mr. Bardin. You asked, and now I'm getting scolded. Obviously I'm performing, I don't have a choice.
So long story short, I used all of my energy to walk onto that stage and play my 6 minute piece. It sounded so good and it was very acurate. The audience loved it. (Well, I was last, wasn't I?) I'm making progress with my musicianship; this was a great step. I couldn't have done this four years ago. Let alone, one year ago.

Christmas is the last performance with the studio. It's in November. I really hope I don't cry or something. Leaving the studio is going to be so strange. I've literally seen Mr. Bardin every week for the past 8 years. What's going to happen next semester when I take studio instruction with an ASU stranger? I hope I get someone nice. I know they have a liberal, feminist lady on faculty. Spare me.

I survived

I've just completed my first month of school. August 23rd-September 23rd. It went kind of fast, but when I think working through October 23rd, it seems difficult. I've made progress with scheduling my time, but there's a LOT more left to complete. At least I have fall break in the next couple of weeks.

All I have to do is survive for 2.5 more months and the semester is OVER. Then the next semester will begin and I will be in the music program! This will help a lot.

what the heck is wrong with me.

I'm so stressed from homework and the strangeness of my life. I just want to be homeschooled again. I dread mondays, I have 5 classes that day. It makes it hard to enjoy weekends because I'm preparing for monday. I honestly dislike school right now. I don't even know what I want.

Yay Thursday!

I went outside, went longboarding while mom walked Jacky, then I vegged out for a while.  Jack called and mom, Jesse, and I met him at Yogurt Builderz. The night got crazy slap happy. I chucked a water bottle at Jack in the parking lot while he was running. It was the perfect throw; mid-leap with that silly surprised expression on his face. Oh my gosh hilarious. Now it's 6 am. I should probably get in the shower or at least do something with my hair. I think I'll just braid it. It's not like I SEE anybody at school. I'm getting Chipotle today because I'm sick of stir-fry.

I just want to:

Go outside and explore:
It's SO beautiful outside, and the lighting has that fall-golden-melancholy tinge to it.

Go to Ryan's soccer game:
Hang out with Kenzie, talk about our weird lives and watch her brother run past slow kids on the grass and score goals. Cuz he's a boss.

Go to the grocery store for no reason:
Just to look up and down the isles. I would go to Sprout's or Trader Joe's because it's small.

Longboard:
I've bought one, and barely used it.

Go swimming:
At the pool. Swim laps because it burns calories.

Be creative and go outside to take pictures:
With my Yashica. Not in a indie/hipster way. Gosh. Again, I took 35mm and played vinyl  in 2006 before Hipsters existed.

BUT NO

I have math:

Today we're learning fractions and percentages.

I have to read my anti-american history book:

Today we're learning about how bad rich people are.

I have to fill out a sheet that talks about ASU's amenities and what they do--DERP SO KEWL 

It's a class to integrate us into ASU and make us feel more involved in a college of 55,000 people. 

I have to read a kid's English paper and critique it. I want to say it's the worst thing I've ever read and 3rd graders write better than everyone in this class. Gah why am I in the class for losers? Why did I fail on my SAT score, I CAN WRITE DARNIT. RESCUE ME.

can't take it anymore

Everywhere I go, I'm fire-hosed with liberal, left-wing, agenda and worldview:
Hate the rich, exploit the poor, create 'even playing fields' for people who want success. Give handouts.
God doesn't exist. Read this textbook on why we want you to believe that!
Homeschooling is bad. Everybody is a victim. Life should be a utopia. Struggles arise from rich people oppressing the workers. "Abortion is okay, but I'D never do it, because I'm safe, not because I think it's horrible." Women can do anything. Obama is our savior.

JUST. SHUT. UP. AND. STUDY. HISTORY. AND. ECONOMICS.

Simple:

It's my choice, it's MY body! Yeah well, the body inside of your body isn't your body.
Women can't do everything. We ALL have roles--even men!
Homeschooling is amazing. We live in an awesome country that gives us the freedom of education.
God exists. He loves you and is crazy about you and you can't do a thing about it.
Rich people create jobs. Jobs create an economy. Frivolous spending creates a deficit. Deficits hurt our economy because of more taxes to sustain the frivolous spending.
The borrower is a slave to the lender. Hey Obama, I think China called and wants their money back.
If you want an 'even playing field' go live in a Socialistic country. Come back and try to tell me how much opportunity for success you had.
Handouts don't have to come from the government. America is known for the most charitable giving of any country.
Are you looking for success? Nothing a little hard work can't fix.
Are you looking for entitlement? Sorry, you've missed the point.
Human history is SO predictable. Because we're all sinful!
We want to create a utopia because we don't believe in original sin--or basic things like consequences or a conscience.
Humanists trying to create a utopia will only discover sooner or later that it cannot be done.

Why is this so hard to understand?

WOW OMG OMG OMG

I meant to post something here.
But I published it to the wrong blog.
To my class blog.
The one that my entire english class of 30 and professor can see. OMG I COULD DIE. *Quick, delete*

Floundering

Oh it's so bad. I'm tossing in a rogue wave of stress.
My face looks like a pizza, my room is a war-zone. This sounds like last year's post.
Nothing has changed about September, or high school for that matter. I'll get into a rhythm the week before school ends. CALLING IT.

Avoiding the College Trap

Avoiding the College Trap

Great. Article. Wow. This website will engage my brain for the next semester I just know it.

today I wore a stupid outfit

Woke up late because my alarm was set for 5:30 PM instead of AM.
My hair was wet and I had nothing to wear to church to match the choir. I wore mom's black polo shirt and her white capris. It was a scary combination but honestly, I don't even care anymore because I'm in college. Not feeling part of the 'high school' age group is SUCH AN AMAZING FEELING. I can wear whatever I want, talk to everybody, and do things by myself because I go to ASU. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

Food is overrated

I like to limit my consumption of animal products to once a day. Ideally, four times a week.
I hate milk anyway and casein (protein in dairy) substantially lowers my immune system.
So does oat.
I'm intolerant to soy.
I might be gluten intolerant too...we will need verification for this.
Honestly. What next because I don't know if I can be a vegan who avoids soy, wheat, barley, spelt, and oat.
It's all getting to be too much.

Weekend outfit. Homework, come at me bro

Crazy weeks

My life is just off-the-wall bizarre right now.
Entertaining myself by reading graffiti, counting asians, holding my breath as I bike through second hand smoke, making friends with the guy who makes my stir fry at Barrett dining, fuming over my anti-American/ American History textbooks, not talking to a living soul for 8 hours 3 days a week, and labeling people in my class like "mormon kid" "mexican bro" "marine guy" "guy with hair tie on his wrist" "puzzle piece tattoo girl" and "Opie" instead of their actual names.

Basically, Eve in the wild.

My weekends consist of a full DVR of reality shows, hanging out with the Reaser family, Kenzie, or Jesse, Jack and Olivia, and singing in church choir with people over the age of 55.

hipster shout-out

I would just like to say:

I watched Marble Hornets on youtube before it became popular. I was scared of Slender Man in 2010--wayyyyy before all of you guys now.

the end

*folds hands in lap*

political eve

It's almost election time and I can't help but think what life was like four years ago.
I'm not sure if any of you got to know Political Eve when she was at her zenith.  It was the during the 2008 election.
In those days I would have dramatic political discussions at school,  that almost always ended in shouting.
I typed as fast as my furious fingers would allow and argue with Evan on yahoo messenger.
Every paper I wrote for writing class was about the election.
I forced my mom to drive me to the Prescott courthouse at 10 'o clock at night to see John McCain speak, after a long day at school and piano lessons.
I'm not sure where that Eve went. I don't know if she still exists. I think she's in hibernation. I'm wondering where all the hoopla has gone. It seems like people care less and less about this election. Why? It's never on the news and never on the web. Is it just me being blind? Because when I think of 2008 I think of red white and blue, Fox news, candidate debates, signs EVERYWHERE and politics at the center of every discussion. Now? It's like, uh yeah Romney is running against Obama. What else?
I went longboarding with Jesse and Olivia to Starbucks. As we walked up with longboards tucked under our arms, I noticed a newsstand with a headline something like this, "Obama:  'More Time is Needed'"
Before I knew it, these words were coming out of my mouth and into the listening radius of all patio starbucks customers,
*scoff* "More time? Are you kidding me. Sorry bud, if you haven't made progress the past four years, then it's not gonna change in the next four."

.......I think she's back.

another week goes by, like a blur

I'm getting sick, I have more homework to do tonight, I just want to go to bed.

halp

University is:

a farce.
a bubble.
an adjustment to limbo.

All we ever hear our whole high school lives is, "Get a good SAT score...volunteer more...study for the ACT's...
Now that we're here, we quickly realize how disappointing it is.
Where are the lights, the fireworks, the music, the spirit, the crazy nights, enthralling classes, and daily aspirations of success?
How come it's got to be like this?

University is just like regular life. You learn stuff, you eat stuff, you do homework. Except now you're in a complex like everyone else, eat in a cafeteria three times a day, sleep in a cot, you don't know anybody and you miss home and hope you'll be successful in four years or less.
Football games, parties, and activities are only fun for a while, before you turn back to the reality of the basics:

You learn, you eat, you sleep, you stress. you feel lonely.

seriously so good

I talk about my tv shows a lot.
Married to Jonas, Switched At Birth, United Bates of America, 19 Kids and Counting, Dance Moms, Abby and Brittany, White Collar, Foyle's War.
They came out with a new flavor/pack of Stride Shaun White gum and I got overly excited in the store and begged mom to purchase it.
SO now I can add gum and tv shows to my list of friends.

I finished the paper.
I'm eating frozen grapes in total shock. I don't know if I can get used to this semester.

september music

Massive Attack--Blue Lines
Coldplay--Mylo Xyloto
Foster the People--Torches
Fleet Foxes--Self titled album
The Black Keys--Brothers
Gorillaz--Self titled album

In an ideal world, I longboard to a hole-in-the-wall record store with a friend. We step in, put all other hipsters to shame, and look at albums all afternoon.

Reality: I drive the Rav-4 by myself to Border's and glance at a couple of overpriced pieces of plastic before walking out.

Incentive

I realized I need to reward myself for finishing my easy essay that's due on Sunday. If and when this essay is completed, I will delve into detail of my encounter with an interesting Monday.

Also things that are on my mind:  this kid in my history and English class looks SUPER familiar. He has a blunt, but short, haircut and frequently contributes in class discussion. He also draws crazy manga drawings in his binder during lecture.

Ten bucks says he was homeschooled.

Dressed Up

I got dressed up for a night on...
...the couch.
Kenzie came over and we watched Dance Mom's, United Bates of America, The Week the Women Went, and Pretty Little Liars.
Dad flipped out when he came home and saw the DVR.

My history professor used 'onerous' 6 times in his lecture yesterday.

Still pales in comparison to Mr. Klemm.

Too Many Words

English assignment:  350-400 words.
Eve assignment: 700 words.

...Someone help me

First Day of ASU

The drive was beautiful this morning. I was on the road by 6:45 and boy, is Arizona gorgeous. I drove into a Nebraska-looking storm to the south and watched the morning sun play on the scatter of bird wings and the shiny side of tree leaves. I've always wanted a stormy, cloudy first day of college. God is just so cool with details.
Pics from the day. Gammage Auditorium--I park there. Music Building--notice the semicircular windows. Hayden Library--the entrance is underground. Typical bathroom picture. I had 4 hours to kill, gimme a break.
The traffic is insane down there. Driving is difficult when you're lumbering around in a Ford expedition. I almost hit a human soul today because he dashed out in front of my vehicle without looking for cars. Insane.
I'm basically with my thoughts for 8 hours. I didn't say anything to anyone all day--it was trippy.

Hectic

I went to ASU today to purchase textbooks for next week. I also met my ENG 101 professor; he was nice.
I learned some things today:
It's freaking too humid to walk to classes and I'm bringing my bike.
There is nothing cool about sorority girls. Not like the movies at all.
People walk v e r y slow on the sidewalks on purpose. Can't we all follow the walk right/pass on left rule like the rest of the world?

I went to the music building to scope out some practice rooms ahead of time. I made the mistake of walking down the piano performance practice hallway. They all sounded really good and I couldn't help but feel slightly intimidated. I glanced at the time sheet on each door:  every name was Asian.

It's going to be a long semester.

The Assembly for Exploratory Majors Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff

MEMORIAL UNION--VENTANA BALLROOM

I

was an hour and half late to the assembly because I woke up late and honestly didn't even want to go that bad.  It's amazing the freedom I have knowing that I'm a commuter and nothing is 'mandatory.'  Nobody is going to be bursting into my dorm room at 7:15 AM decked out with mardi gras beads, hyper smile and a megaphone and prod me into a herd of slowly moving mouth-breathing freshman.

I walked in and a concerned advisor informed me I had missed all the speakers (darn) but good thing I came just in time for lunch! Then he thrust a a yellow shirt and foam pitchfork into my hands. Emerging from the lunch line, I stood there with my pizza and looked at the vast sea of yellow shirts. Which stranger should I sit by? I thought these moments were reserved for high school.
I chose the first table I saw--it looked pretty harmless. There's a laugh!
I met two girls who were also commuters, but they didn't have classes at Tempe.  After exploring the exciting  world of Conversations with Complete Strangers, my eyes moved to the unexplored part of the table.
A "bro" with diamond ear studs, fake-n-bake tan, sat chatting it up with a girl in a tight ASU shirt, and Amy Winehouse eyeliner. Dear goodness half of my table is Jersey Shore.
Then two more bros shuffled in and sat down next to Mike the Imitation--each with an obviously brand new Sector Nine. These were Zoni Bros. With tans that said, "I sat in the house with the AC on all summer and got burned at Havasu once."
Snippets of the broversation:

"Dude this s--- is wack. Can I just go back to f------ bed?"
"Hahaha those light fixtures up there would be cool to put vodka in, and spin them around. Rainin' booze. Yea know what I'm talkin' bout? Aha."
"So I got a good look at that guy, he is SERIOUSLY yoked. Like  lookin' like an inverted triangle. With tiny feet, how the hell does he stand on his skateboard? That dude's just too big for his own good."
"Hey a buddy I know told me which supplements you should take for that. I think estrogen blockers--for sure---and, milk thistle really helps if you're gonna do roids."
"That pizza is not sitting right inside... dang."

They pumped party music in the room and I weakly tried to socialize with the girl next to me but was distracted by a nearby table stacking a tower of plastic drinking tumblers.
Then a gay guy in a glitter hat tried to rally the whole room together and passed the mic to the RA's who were jumping, clapping, and dancing to the Cha-Cha Slide.  The whole room of 345 students started dancing like idiots while the welcoming committees ran around the room trying to get shy people to dance. The Jersey Bro started dancing, but the Zoni Bros just sat there and kept saying, "This is stupid." I didn't move or even clap.  I just waited for the moment to pass--but as usual with social disasters, it progressed at glacial pace.
"Can we do requests?" said Jersey Bro, "CUPID SHUFFLE..CU-PID SHUFFLE!"
For the next thirty minutes each RA grabbed the mic to introduce the kids on their floor. It was a literal out of body experience to watch clusters of maroon and gold bellow "A-S-U" with grotesque screaming, raging, party faces. Foam pitchforks and fists pumped up and down as they tried to out-do the others. It looked more like a village riot than a freshman rally.

As soon as we lined up to walk to the Well's Fargo Center for a class of 2016 pep rally, I bailed.

ORANGE MALL--ASU BOOKSTORE

Zach Galifianakis stood in isle HST. Not really, but I swear it was him. Pasty skin, bushy red hair, and awkwardness radiating from his frame.  He did everything BUT help me; proceeding to crowd my space with a stony silence as I chose my books.  Later, he explained the option of textbook rentals:
"So with rentals you get purchase the textbook-- but not for good--you just use it all semester and then bring it back here on December 22nd." So that's how rentals work.
"Thanks you've been real helpful. I'm going to buy my books now, bye."
I'm four paces down the isle when he abruptly calls out, "Have a good rest of the day."

"It's freakin Fall."

I said this phrase about thirty times today.
WHY? Because summer is over.
I can feel it--like a soft numbness settling over me.
I can see it--the shadows getting a little longer.
I can smell it--September humidity and dead grass recovering from killer heat.
I can hear it--earlier bedtimes all around and silence during the peak of the day.

When I was a kid I used to take a large mirror, hold it, walk around backwards and view the world going on behind me.  It's a change in perspective, like stepping into an alternate universe. Quite an inexplicable feeling. As if your house and everything that is familiar to you is turned completely around and inside out.
I felt that way today. It was an complete night-and-day difference from the day before. I had stepped from summer into fall in a mere 8 hours. I woke up and nothing felt familiar; my world has turned around and inside out.
Then I was hit with a wave of memories (typical for me.)
_________________________________________________
How old am I? First grade? No, third, fifth, or seventh?
Soon there will be dark, early mornings like the ones in 2001.
Checking the inside of the cupboard door where the lunch menu is taped. "What are we eating at Cafeteria today?"
To the times in 2003 where life was reduced to a perpetual waiting period; when every night was a school night.
"Why are the streetlights so orange looking? And why is the dark pavement so black after twilight? It looks like it could be water. And maybe it is. Maybe the only places for solid ground are where the lights fall and everything else is a bottomless pit. I bet I could jump from circle to circle without falling."
Gathering the mail after school in 2005.
My fist holds another Party City catalog. I notice the mail smells different in the fall--it smells like Halloween. Last year I had 210 pieces of candy.
A primitive form of exercising in 2007--the twilight bike ride.
I'm fumbling with bike gears and feeling for the rough plastic pedals under my feet. Did I just forget I had a sweater tied around my waist? That explains the dragging sound on my rear tire. Wow it smells like horse and stagnant dust on this street.
A Sunday night. With a paper due in the morning. It's untouched. That's okay I'll cram and write five paragraphs when I get home and type it tonight just like I do every week. 

_________________________________________________

How old am I? I think I'm 18. I think I'm going to college on Friday. Can I be sure? No. I have this urge to buy a backpack and new crayons. "MO-OM?"

Starts with a "P" ends with a "Y"

Here's a topic that this homeschooler hasn't really thought much about.

P A R T I E S

This is what I know:

1. I have no business ever entertaining an idea to attend or even getting within a two mile radius of a party.
     a. There's alcohol there. Last I checked drinking age was 21 & that doesn't happen until you're a senior. Jail sounds like a horrible place to spend the night.
     b. Losers are at those parties. Guys in bro tanks and girls in....slips.
     c. Even if you're DD, someone drunk could grab you & put you through a Tijuana Car Wash. I saw it on King of the Hill.
2. People will spike your soda and that never ends well.
3. Mrs. Vondra told me everything I need to know about ASU sketchiness. She rocks. I can't let her down.

Saw this in Houston

I want to dress like this.
I also want this jacket and navy American eagle pants. I like classy/vintage. I hate what the hipsters have done to 'vintage.' Floral prints, metal studs, and mom jeans. It's gross.

Meanwhile in Minnesota

They're all having fun without me. I was [this] close to flying out, but didn't.
Photo caption: "Corn or cookie?"
Location: Grandparent's country home. That is my mom's sister, Steph in the pic.

I can't believe I missed the first choir practice of the year. It was yesterday and I was planning to go, but just forgot. I need some B12

9

More days of summer.

Make that 8 pounds

I'm halfway to freshman 15 at this rate. School hasn't even started yet

4 Pounds

My unwelcome summer friend

I'm haunted by my past

But not tormented with doubt.
A constant reflection of the way things used to be.
A sad warmth and understanding of the final result.
Just melancholy.

I will forever be everybody's Dr. Phil. An encourager, an ear to hear, a person to trust. Friend-zoned.

How is it

That you can be a fresh 17 year old while I'm stuck in this time vortex?

Letting go

Lately I've been trying to stop thinking so many complicated thoughts and over-analysing present situations. It's sort of working to just let go and LET GOD. oh wow I just went there

Namesake

Why can't I go a day without checking Facebook at least once? I'm tweeting like crazy too.

If its not one thing, its another. I just want to divorce myself from the internet.

Returns

It's just like old times. I did not expect that.
The one who is a brother to me is finally back.
Great summer night over here.
Broken AC, family dinner, night escapades at safeway.
Rejoicing in God's providence, and promises. Late night Bible-reading and God talks.
Too wired to sleep, too content.

Still in my head from playing it this morning:

"Praise the Lord, praise the Lord
Let the earth hear his voice
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord
Let the people rejoice." (To God Be The Glory)

Ive said it before, but I love the "Then Sings My Soul" hymn book. Spiral-bound, combination of music and history. A great way for my sight reading skills. Get this book.

June 28th

Well I found hope in God and he answered my prayer. My daily prayer since Jan of 2011. Not gonna lie there were countless times I felt it to be useless and slow. What a lesson this all has been

I am having a blast with my Evidence Bible

Omgomgomgomg

I found our copy of the first album by Jars of Clay. I have not heard a single song from that album since I was 6 years old. It blew my stinkin mind and I found myself knowing the lyrics. The harmony is amazing and the sound is so unique. The 90s were golden years for Christian music. This is what I grew up on.  That, dcTalk and Steve Gentry's cd hahah.
I feel so old it hurts.

When I had a cold, I lived in this shirt

June 28th

It may be the day. I don't know whether to hope or to brace for another blow.

The story

My recent trip to Appleton reminded me of a story I once started writing after my freshman year in high school. It was set in Appleton and included all of my friends--I changed names and places. As parts of my summer and  sophomore year passed, I'd incorporate it into my story. I used my grandparents house and my friend's personalities to inspire me. I used to think it was hard to conjure up new towns and characters so I wrote about something that really exists and made it fiction. Well I just found it; unfinished. I don't know how to finish it because nothing pivotal happened sophomore year. Just more growing up and learning crap. I might pick up where I left off and ignore the 2 yr gap. Not noticeable, except for the all new characters, events, and giant time warp. Now would be a great time for a bout of amnesia or a coma. My main character's gonna kill me.

I never really paid attention to all those MLB games growing up. And I was my life.
My only second chance is to marry a ballplayer; then I can watch baseball for reals again

Stuff I do when I roam around the house

Nothing much going on over here.

I miss pulling back my bow! Gonna happen once I get the ok from my Chiro

Jacky is always hanging around that javelina

I actually left the house today. Mom took a pic of me. The cement block wall is a real phoenix classic

31 days

It's been a month since the last day of school and I can't help but wonder what the heck I did the past month.

Graduate
Live in Minnesota for 18 days
Pull a muscle, injure my knee, and screw up my back from couch-sleeping, sedan-travelling, and airplane-sitting.
Watch endless amounts of Wind At My Back and the US Open.
Feel depressed from Minnesota trip and the physical inability to golf or move about.

So far this is my list of parties and get togethers I want to throw with my group of friends:

Eve house party
Kenzie house party
house party at the Beck's.
Bowling
Tennis with selah and kenzie
Swimming with selah and kenzie
Friends and dbacks game
Wet n wild
Drive in movie
Movie night with Brooke
Lake day with warner's
Chill with Emily and go to Zia.

YEAH WE'RE LUCKY IF I MANAGE TO GET FLIP-FLOPS BEFORE AUGUST

Sunday :)

Baseball
Basil pesto
US Open
3 hour nap

Marvelous

Nightstand

Evidence Bible:  irrefutable evidence for the thinking mind

Red cup:  water

Vintage radio:  11:25 pm

I Spy:  Treasure Hunt

Vintage aiwa walkman: AM 620

Antique glass doornob:  picked up in antique store Colorado 2001. Can't remember where or why.

One thing I learned from that trip

Do what you want now.

And say what you think in the moment.

Because one day, the people you absolutely know and love will change without asking anyone.

You won't see it coming and will have no solution or reprieve.
They will walk across the room; a stranger.
Leaving you and everything that mattered behind.

I already knew that

I'm sick of people using Twitter as a soap box for how amazing their walk with the Lord is. It's kind of annoying.
It's not their fault and its certainly not wrong. I'm just not ready to read those daily updates yet. It's not encouraging me at all.

I just wish it could be like this again

I made my own fun

Because it certainly wasn't going to come to me.

Total dive theater

Sketchy parkinglot
2 screens
$2 per person tickets
Broken seats

We saw Mirror Mirror. It was really cute, and adventurous. Dinner and movie fun with Madison and Gigi.

Self portrait

Second half of the trip. I'm still alive

You have to be careful when you let your friends raise you