2012

senior pics

I took my own senior pictures. All my plans fell through with the professionals we requested. Oh well, so mom and I went down to the location I wanted and I set up the shots and had her capture them. They turned out really well. :)

wow

next time you ask someone to prom, don't back out in the middle of planning it and claim to have been joking the whole time. my hopes and dreams just went through a blender. prom shouldn't be this complicated.

Worth mentioning

Today, during a routine piano lesson, I played Mozart Piano Sonata No. 8 allegro maesotso. And it hit me, when was the last time I played (for myself or others) with the old pattern of my ways? I couldn't pin a date, but only knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, things were different now.
Music is making sense. I'm understanding things now that my ear and brain could only hope to grasp a couple of months ago. And it seems the debilitating monster of perfectionism is shrinking to nothingness. Practicing is almost a joy, never a chore. Mozart, a journey to play each time, never redundant or dry (considering no pedal is used)
Orchestra is opening up a new chapter:  being a part of something new. A conductor with a genuine spirit, relying on other musicians to play well because it affects you also. And sitting back and watching the process of rehearsing a piece just once, was the most remarkable thing I've ever witnessed.
I am choosing to love music. It's never been more than a slight feeling, pulling me to learn more and push on. I've never understood why people always crow, "ITS MY PASSION" and I wondered why I never felt the same. Now I understand. At least for me, I needed to rewire everything and learn total discipline in order to fall completely in love with music and enjoy all the facets.

Photo: piano lessons in Tempe. It's been part of my life for over 7 years, and is about to continue until December. Then it will dissolve into a different Tempe for the next 4 years...University drive instead of southern ave ;) big difference.

monday monday monday

Had caffiene by accident today. I thought I was gonna go crazy. My eyes felt detached from my sockets and I could have sworn was holding them up with my hands like that guy from, "Aah! Real Monsters."
Not that I ever watched that; it was before my time.
School was amazing. We had an all-school water balloon toss during lunch. Stu ate part of my pizza while I was gone. The other guys crowded around the yearbook and made fun of kids. I saved an extra water balloon for the end of school to toss at Justin. After Worldview, I had my chance and chucked it off the balcony.  It landed two inches to his left. DANG.
Also during physiology class, the new teacher "Josh" said, "'Kay" 277 times. I kept tally marks. It's ridiculous. THat's like 3 'kay's' a minute, for 90 minutes.
I'm no stranger of keeping records concerning speech patterns of teachers. When I was in 3rd grade, we had this student-teacher who is marked in my mind by dress slacks with vertical pleats, listless hair, and typical government-paid, teacher eyes.  She quacked in a monotone and constantly said, "need" every 5 seconds.  "You need to do this..." "You need to pick up," "You need to line up."
One day I was curious kept a record of it on a small sheet of paper tucked in the corner of my desk.  By the end of the day she said "need" 49 times.  I rolled my eyes, stuffed my tally sheet in my pocket and lined up at 2:39.  The bell rang and she called out after us, "Don't forget, you NEED to hand in your permission slips on Monday!" I smirked to myself, that makes 50.
Well, that's nothing compared to the records Mr. "Josh" set today.  I doubt they will ever be broken.
After school I watched The Mystery of Edwin Drood on Masterpiece Classic. It was enthralling, and super haunting.
I'm so tired, but my head is swimming from the caffiene.
I  tried to scale a wall today--with a bow in my hand--fell and gashed my toe pretty good. The bow went flying as I sailed toward the ground, barefoot. Now I'm favoring the darn foot and the back of my knee is tight and twinging with pain.
I'm going to Oregon this weekend. I'm going to miss field day, the Cinderella play, and won't be able to go to the talent show because of orchestra next week. What will I miss out on next? PROM? Just kidding.

T-51 minutes

I have to finish this paper in less than an hour, so I can move on to the next paper, and then one after that! I'm so sick of school!
Our physiology teacher quit teaching 5 weeks before the end of school for personal reasons. We all miss her so much, and the lame dude in her place is so unprofessional it's not even funny. He's patronizing, and condescending, and keeps slamming the old teacher's memory by saying, "She didn't teach you guys anything." and "You all learned nothing." (Which is total crap, by the way. He has never met her, or been in her class, he cannot make those statements.)
I'm soooooooo done with everything here.

Coupla things

1. Wisdom teeth taking advantage of a super inconvenient time to grow in.
2. Mozart is amazing, but I'm not sure if I can pull it together before the performance.

3. I will never go to prom with a guy. So far I have a group of frustrated girls and no escorts. Why is it that homeschooled guys are clueless when it comes to prom.

4. A River Runs Through It is an amazing movie. Got me so nostalgic about fly fishing. I want to go back to Montana almost as much as I want to surf again.

5. Summer countdown starts now. It was way too cold today

Got my hair cut, but forgot to tip my stylist. He's only been cutting my hair all my life. I hate this independent thing and all the responsibilities that follow suit. ;0
So much flipping homework due for school again on Monday. I'm Second Semester Senior and I just wanna take about 8 incompletes and stop having to catch up.
This ran through my head all day:
       It's 92 degrees; do you know where your shorts are?
Hah. I need to shop so bad. Too bad I hate shopping. Everywhere you go you're bombarded by hipster Forever 21 clothes and cheap H&M garbs--hardly the pinnacle of fashion.
Barney's <3
Money :(

Things occupying my time:

The Golf Channel. It's literally on our tv 24/7. How have I not liked this sport sooner? Btw, Rory McIlroy <3

Manual film photography. I finally got to photograph during spontaneous memories made in Tempe. I've wished to do that for over three years now.

Music. It is becoming the most enjoyable facet of my life. Listening, studying, practicing, and expressing.  I now extend open arms to my repertoire; I used to dread every single piece I ever studied. Interesting how things change when you implement discipline into your life...

Books. I'm actually reading. My whole high school has been a blur, but senior year is highlighted with a hefty amount of books. I've read 5 C.S. Lewis books already, and a few others on apologetics.
The Deadliest Monster by J.F. Baldwin and The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel.
Highly fascinating.
I just finished 1984 and Jacob, Have I Loved I read them for fun during spring break.

I love my two windows to the world. I'm glad to spend 2 hours of my life with this instrument.

Today was totally fun. I think I enjoy my family more than any other people I hang around. It's so easy to just 'be' with them. We hiked papago and then explored the old TB hospital and Mill ave in full swing. My uncle is hilarious. Total dry and self depricating  humor that catches you by surprise and before you know it you're laughing hysterically.
Here is his senior portrait. My grandma always showcases the visiting family member by bringing out their senior portrait. I think I kind of look like the Schrim side, even though I'm pretty much a carbon copy of my father.
Mom was tired driving home so I sang songs from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the good one, the one with Gene Wilder. "I Want it Now" and "Pure Imagination."
I must have annoyed her to the point of severe driving concentration. No time for dozing off when you're gritting your teeth.
Then we tuned into KBAQ and tried to guess the song. Two seconds into a piano concerto and I said immediately, "Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto no. 2, first movement."
It's amazing. We blasted it as loudly as we would with any Led Zeppelin song.
Funny how much changes in 2 years.

Those moments

When everything just absolutely, and irreversibly clicks.
When you feel the repercussions of the biggest mistake of the century
When you hate yourself for caring what others think.
So out of control, so narrow-minded.
Tunnel vision til the bitter end.
The next step is so unknown and you ponder and ponder until you're blind and paralyzed with frustration.
 Take a leap.

Favorite types of music/instruments ever

• Choral music
• Organ
• Piano
• Clarinet

Recently, I've enjoyed these


Heard this one 2 years ago and it still sticks with me


Ola Gjeilo is amazing

How could this happen?

Yesterday in Christian Worldview  we watched a pro-life video by a man speaking on refuting common assertions and arguments made against pro-lifers and how to intelligently refute them.  It was immensely interesting.  Part of it also contained video footage of actual abortions.  We all knew what we were going to view and I didn't think it would be that bad and I have a high tolerance to medical things anyway. But I was not prepared for what I would see next. I only glanced up at the screen four times, before leaving. Most of the class looked away; one girl went outside to cry.  Emily and I left the room. I was pale and shaking, I could feel shock setting in.  We went into the bathroom, Emily threw up and I just bent over the sink and let the water run over my arms and tried not to hurl. It took about two hours to feel normal again, the images of disfigured babies and the reality of many souls robbed of life turned my stomach to rot.  Emily finally started talking after minutes of silence and gaping.
"You know that feeling when you feel like life is a cartoon? I feel like that right now. I mean, is this even real?"
"Yeah." I said, "I don't understand why those doctors don't run screaming out of the room seconds into surgery."
"I...I saw so much of myself in those babies. This is horrible."
"I've never seen anything so--real in all of my life. Those were real people--"
"Yeah so let's just toss 'em in the trash? Who DOES that?!"

So when I got home I still felt incredibly disturbed. I found out mom went to the emergency room while I was at school because she had a scary migraine that took away her peripheral vision. But honestly, I could not even feel concerned in the least bit. I really thought I was incapable of producing any more emotions. So I took a nap, woke up still nauseous and got in the car and visited her at the hospital.  The clinic was so ominous of the video and it didn't help things that I passed a pregnant lady in the hall. Whenever a baby was born in the hospital they played a simple line from Brahms' Lullaby through the speakers.

If they played music every time a baby was aborted in the United States, that speaker would ring indefinitely.

Regret

Is it also guilt?
That answer lies in one deciding factor:  fault.
If at fault, and causing a great injustice, one is full of guilt.
If not at fault, and causing a great injustice, one is full of regret.
I can't tell which is worse. To feel rotten for something you caused that wasn't your fault; what is that?
At least guilt brings redemption.
But regret, is a horrid mixture of living in the past and moving forward without hope. And the question of, "Did I do the right thing?" Always surfaces.
A new week is about to begin. I find it far easier to duck down and brace against the storm, than to head into it completely blind and unprotected.
I also feel this storm brings no promise of hope, yet venturing into it is necessary.

Let's see where this takes us

coming back as we are

I'm still in college limbo.
But I've decided I'm still going to pursue ASU. I'll either enter fall 2012 as a creative writing major and prepare for another audition.
Or I could find a way to audition this summer as a music education major.
Then again, there's always SCC, GCC, or PVCC for two years and then try to transfer. All of these are ASU related. I have no ambition to be a 'Lope' or 'Firestorm' 'Lumberjack' or 'Wildcat.'
I really want this. I really want to learn more about this field. Social life woes, missing out on 'dorm' experience, and school spirit mean almost nothing to me. I have my lanyard and sweatshirt; it's enough. I have my parents, friends, and other mentors in my life.
I don't even know why I'm still writing. This is redundant.

All About ASU

March 16, 2012

ASU + Me = No go

I wasn't accepted into Herberger School of Music.

I stared at the email for a full 12 seconds before drawing a suspicious breath.

Um.

I checked for an apology email detailing a glitch in the server or anything to explain WHY I just received the worst news of my senior year. Yet, it was indeed reality.

The next hour I felt as if I experienced a death. At first I was reeling, second I composed myself, third, I ranted to my mom, veins protruding from my neck. All the steps thereafter were mixtures of anger, wrath, tears, and hopelessness.

I went through Hell and back with these people for that dumb audition and this is what I get?!

The audition process changed me, in those two short months. I committed myself to discipline, reorganization, and priorities on a level I will probably never reach again. If you've seen Shine, then you'll understand I wasn't too far off from fingerless gloves and eating cat food.

It was a grueling process, but ultimately rewarding. I still carry with me everything I learned in January.

In the seconds after reading the email, I never doubted my skills and abilities. I never wished I could have taken back my audition. It was stellar; I left everything on that stage. My interview? The same.

Who completely blows it on a Bach Prelude, to only recover and play the Fugue, Rachmaninoff prelude, and Beethoven sonata flawlessly? Not many do.

Have they seen such a performance of brazen determination and artistic skill? Sure, but they've only seen me once.

Was I seared into their memory as the last auditioned, as the 'girl from the Bardin studio?' Of course. How could they forget my stage presence, and warm personality?

There is no physical way I wasn't accepted. I exceed above and beyond the standards of performing and literature at my level.  My instructor has had numerous students go to ASU and none of them have been rejected.

Well Mr. Bardin, looks like I'm your first failure.

The only thing that makes sense is God must have directed them to turn a blind eye.

That's what puts me so in awe of this rejection.

On such a high level of academia and control, God still manages to manipulate them and sort out the finalities of the undergraduate students. How we forget his omnipresence and dominion!

I'll conclude with some thoughts from my teacher. It was comforting. I am so thankful for wise people in my life.

"I am so sorry. It could be for a number of reasons. It has nothing to do with your talent, abilities, or discipline.

Pray about what to do next. Talk with your parents, and let me know what your next steps are.

This 'rejection' is not a failure. It is just a slight turn in direction. We are guided by our Creator. Since the university cares nothing for our plight or our convictions, one might see this as a compliment and an opportunity.

Jeremiah 29:11...they know nothing of this in your life."

                           --Steven Bardin

I realized:

• You can be on top of the world, smooth sailing and 100% sure of the future, and all it takes is one DETOUR to re-route the course of your destination. 
• The world will continue to spin on its axis whether or not Eve goes to Arizona State.
• God did not send his son, Jesus into the world to make us 'happy.' It's a process of daily taking up the cross and following Him.
• I sympathize with someone in my life who dealt with University Rejection. I glossed over it. I gave a meager, clichéd response. I now know too well the effects of it.

March 17, 2012

I see only the signs of slow dismantlement from a lively soiree that used to be my hopes and dreams.  My "My ASU" page has been updated; a cryptic error message sits where my Devil2Devil profile used to be.  My 'Congratulations' banner of acceptance into ASU is gone, my to-do's and my FAFSA information--conspicuously missing.  

The party is over, people have departed, and only a few wisps of streamers remain, waiting to be released by the wind. 

I am strangely okay with all of this.  An hour last night was the last emotional display of my attachment to this University. I sense a new twist on the horizon.

I have no back up. No other college has accepted me. I have no ambition for anywhere else in the world.

I only have a few opportunities.

To stay here, attend SCC and continue study with my instructor. Continue serving at Scottsdale Bible. After sophomore year, audition to Herberger again and hope to transfer credits.

Or think on the possibility of going to Rivendell Sanctuary in MN for 18 months in fall of 2012 and acquiring an associate's degree--much to the delight of my parents. Leave glorious AZ, leave friends, and leave Scottsdale Bible.

What part about, "I don't want to leave yet" doesn't anyone understand?

I hate this waiting
This silence when I'm willing to speak first.
And again I draw back.

American Animosity

" If Rick [Santorum] could have just shut his mouth about all the religion garbage then he would have had a legitimate shot at the presidency. Americans will vote for a Catholic before voting for a Mormon but they will not vote for a religious zealot before a quiet man of faith. I want to know they are moral people, I DO NOT WANT TO BE PREACHED TO. "


"Who in their right mind would want a 21st century superpower be governed after the bible? 
The catholic church admitted only 20 years ago that the earth is round !! But then all we have to do to solve global warming, energy shortage, over population, world hunger is pray !! What a concept."


This was one of many comments on the latest Yahoo article about Santorum. Usually the commenters are quite conservative, but I could find no positive statements about Santorum. Instead I saw the word, "American version of the Taliban," "zealot" "fanatic" "insane"  I am starting to become really concerned about this election. I love Santorum and everything he fights for. But the rest of America is so corrupted. They HATE their darkness to be exposed to light. Of course they don't want to be compaired to the Bible, it only highlights their need for a Savior and people can't stand that.
 It makes me think:  if it was between Obama and Santorum, Obama would probably win. If Santorum wins, God is pretty much giving us a second chance.  If anyone else wins, it's 50/50. Hasn't anyone read the Bible where people do terrible things 'in the sight of the LORD' and he obliterates them? No one has respect for the creator; we're all so selfish and sinful here. 
As of November, I started to realize how terrible the world is. (It's not a happy place.)  How sinful everyone is. 
Our country is declining, and if you can't see it, you're absolutely blind. The common worldview almost everyone in this country shares from the ages of 17-29, is very humanistic, entitled, ignorant about the price of freedom, brainwashed from public school, accepting of EVERYTHING [including 'equality' and 'tolerance'] but at Christianity they roar and ridicule.  It makes me sick to think that I'm going to grow up in THIS environment. Where Christians are persecuted, the government controls everything, gay marriage in every state, etc. I don't know what to do. I literally do not. College is going to suck. 

Here I sit:

Mechanically pressing the refresh key on my computer.
One email is all it takes to grant or deny me entrance into the Herberger School of Music.
How I wish they'd speed up the process! It's nearing 8 o'clock.

I'm getting bored from dissecting my Ernest Becker quote. What a sad, vulgar man.

I'm also becoming vexed at the infiltration of the 'tolerance' movement in every aspect of my intellectual journey. It's plastered on the screen of my deceptive Netflix family movie, it's sinisterly woven into my books, and blatantly defiles the small amount of pop music that occasionally enters my ears.
I don't even know why I bother trying anymore with this world.
I can only dread the upcoming months of studying music with a bunch of...non-Christians. I'm prepared to come across the ones who are 'open' and those who are not.  I hope for my sake, and their's, I will realize the distinction.

1 John 4:4-6 You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. They are from the world and therefore speak from the viewpoint of the world, and the world listens to them. We are from God, and whoever knows God listens to us; but whoever is not from God does not listen to us. This is how we recognize the Spirit of truth and the spirit of falsehood.

2008
Tempe, AZ

Read. This

Why I quit Facebook - NYPOST.com

So concise, so exacting.

Prom Central

Preparing over here, for prom 2012..

Downton Abbey-inspired prom dress? I think yes.

“People ask me what I do in the winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring.”
—Rogers Hornsby

Journey of Worship

I'm going to be playing in the Journey of Worship on Februrary 24th. It's an event by Scottsdale Bible celebrating their 50th year anniversary. I'm playing in the 'next generation' band and hopefully singing in the choir too. If anyone is interested in going to this all-church worship night, click here for more information and text me so I can look forward to seeing you there!

Finding Meaning

How long has man tried to find meaning in the midst of trying circumstances? Pretty much since the beginning of time. I feel so cliche sometimes saying it, but I'm really trying to find meaning in all of this. Especially in light of the absolute atomic bomb that cascaded into my life about 3 weeks ago. I miss my life before. But I don't.
I miss certain conversations and people. Lately I'm finding myself scrolling through old conversations. Just so many years of this and now everything has disconnected.
Even some have blocked me from Facebook.
It's hard with people you've known all your life. It's really a tough thing.

Superbetter Sunday

While others are staring at a screen, and mechanically feeding chips and dip into their mouths, I am at home writing a 3 page essay on Frog and Toad's Christmas.
Essentially, an 8 page children's story that takes about 20 seconds to read, has filled 3 pages on my word document. I had no clue I can analyze so much.  Mom says I should be a lawyer, but I think I'll pass on the school and money. Besides, this is the thing I understand and enjoy the most:



I'm going to bike ride later to a friend's house and watch parts of the bowl then ride back in time for.....



DOWNTON ABBEY!!! (Or as Dad calls it, 'Dumb-Dumb Abbey.) It's been about 5 weeks of interrupting his Sunday night football for a British series and he's just about had enough.

Well, folks

We've officially moved into single-digits.
9 days

My initial speculations before the big 'disconnect':

That life would be more interesting,
People, moments, music--clearer
Colors, more vivid
Time--slower in passing
Moments--realize how many there are
Memory--visual perceptions more apt to be seared into the memory.

Suffice it to say, my expectations have been exceeded. Removing all these distractions, has made my week one of the longest, most grueling, fulfilling, lively times since I was a young child.

If you try it, you'll fully understand.

17 days

Audition countdown.

The past couple of weeks have been a blur of never leaving the house, practicing for hours on end, watching yet another beautiful day pass by outside, and cleaning my room when I'm frustrated.

The best thing I could ever do, was deactivate my Twitter and Facebook. I can't tell you how it makes the day worthwhile.

Since listening to nothing but classical, a cantatta or piano concerto is always running through my mind.
This was tonight:



and continued, it won't let me embed it :( I'd love this on a record. MUST FIND IT.

http://youtu.be/O2DL-gKH364

Dad gave me some tips on certain mindsets to have when I'm performing/preparing the audition.  I've let myself get so bogged down with how many mistakes I'm making, instead of how the music sounds and what it feels like to play music.  I'm trying really hard to push out negative thoughts during playing and trying to not dwell on hard measures or parts I'm not confident with.  I'm slowly learning how to bring something new to the table with my performing. Even if I'm the only one in the house...

I really really really really really really don't want to go to school tomorrow. I literally haven't done homework in 3 days. It's terrible to let things slide, but you only get a chance to audition ONCE.
I feel like making a deal with my teachers to let things go until February 11th, and then going back to normal. After all, I'm homeschooled.

So tonight it was either study for an econ test, or write out 2 measures of Rachmaninoff Prelude in Gm 5 times, then drill 2 stations and make recordings of the prelude and the first movement of Beethoven's Pathetique. 90 minutes later, and I must go to bed. Can't wait to wake up tomorrow and fail my test!!!

Process of Elimination

I've been eliminating a lot of things from my routine.
Facebook, Twitter, and popular music.
If I want to listen to something, I'll tune in to KBAQ, or better yet, silence and just stew in my thoughts.
If I want to go on Facebook or post on Twitter, I go into my room and clean it until I don't want those things anymore.
It's been interesting, working all the time and getting rid of habits. I read more--that's for sure. I finished 2 Narnia books for school, (LOL, senior) and right now I'm halfway through 1984 (for fun.)
As for music, I was starting to become realllllllly existential and dissatisfied with life the past couple of months. Since I stopped listening to anything produced after 1920,  I have not felt bogged down.
I think clearer, and appreciate more things.  I talk more on the phone and get a TON of things done in a short amount of time. I don't believe music was ever supposed to become the way it is now.  So many people forget that music has order, yet is free enough from restraint to create.
I think the typical, "intro--verse--chorus--verse--chorus--bridge--outro--fade out" mentality of music-making has turned us into individuals who feed on the present emotion, and brevity of songs yet walk away feeling dissatisfied.  Music should have order, and by order I mean, it should actually go somewhere.  It should accomplish more than a few chord progressions, rhythms and riffs. Instead, it should burst with melody and harmony.  It should introduce, develop, recapitulate, and resolve.

Listen to this and tell me you don't feel intellectual.

...and now I'm sick.
couldn't have come at a more inconvenient time..

at least there's DOWNTON ABBEY.. in less than an hour. egads!

She KNOWS she's not supposed to be on the couch.... Look at those guilty eyes

"After I reached my teens I decided I didn't want to hang out with anyone. I couldn't handle the stupidity."
-Kurt Cobain

reminders

Drama semester just got a little less dramatic.

The epicenter of all drama just asked for my forgiveness.
I blanched. But eventually forgave.
My outlook has changed a little; some wrongs were made right.
It was a long time coming, and now I just so want to move on.

one week

Mom pulled into the darkened parking lot of Mimi's Cafe and immediately I was transported back to the memory of last Thursday.

Last Thursday the 12th, mom and I waited in the parking lot for dad's car to join us for dinner.  I was very conflicted:  I only had 2 letters of recommendation from music professionals for Herberger's application, and they wanted 3.  I thought ASU was out of the option, and doors were going to shut in my face.  I didn't have a clue where to go next.  I never thought I wouldn't get in to my #1 college choice. I couldn't physically think of another music professional to write my 3rd letter.  It was terrifying, and disappointing.


A week later, Thursday the 19th, I sat in the car while mom chose a parking place.  Exactly a week to this very moment, and now I have submitted my application, got accepted, and an audition date is now in place. 


We found a music professional in a close friend of ours from the homeschooling world, and she came to my house, listened to me play, asked a lot of questions, reviewed my literature, and interviewed me.   The 3rd letter--sent, the application--fully completed.  It all came together. God takes care of his children. Even the ones wanting to go to a secular college.

Seriously

I'm considering not using Facebook, Twitter or Blogger for a whole month. I don't know why, but I miss the old days of not checking these things every day or feeling a need to post on them. It'll be hard. I don't like not being in the loop.

numb

I just got an email.
2 days after submitting the application, I am now accepted into the Herberger School of Music.
Yayyyy dream college excitement right? WRONG. I couldn't even enjoy it.  The second I saw the dreaded audition date, I blanched.

February 11th, 2012

Less than a month. I requested March 3rd. I have no words.

barely caught up

It's been a whirlwind here--but a monotonous one.
All I do anymore is practice the piano, do applications, and homework.
It's really not that bad, but I do miss free time. And my clean room.


Drama Semester is starting. Right now I'm watching about 3-4 of my friends involved in the same situations with the same people as I was in last year. It's like deja vu. Only more obnoxious.
Can we all just focus on ourselves for once?


Facebook, texting, electronics are becoming the devil. I have stopped listening to anything that's not classical. I don't know who I'm turning into, but I hope it's not Stylites.


I played in The Venue today for SBC's 50th Anniversary Sunday. I really enjoyed that and celebrating 50 years, listening to stories and looking at pictures. I'll be old enough to someday see the 100th anniversary. I wonder what that will be like!


DOWNTON ABBEY WAS SO GOOD.

Is it just me, or...?

Does last night's sunset look exactly like the record sleeve of my Elton John record?

.....it's scary I thought of this correlation while looking at the sky

rigged

The media coverage/glorification of Romney is sickening and totally obvious.
Whoever the mainstream media endorses, seriously tells you something.
LIberals would like nothing more than Obama 2.0 "Romney" to be our next president.
Don't be the sheep mentality.

Right now I'm torn between Santorum and Paul.  I really like the positions Santorum has. He is so ethical and intelligent and really has a great track record.  Ron Paul, I like that he's not afraid to fight for the constitution. He has some amazing ideas, yet he also has some really crazy ones--like his foreign policy. I will NOT vote for Romney. He is only a RINO, Republican In Name Only. We have to get Obama out of there. But I will not be reduced to voting for 'anyone but Obama.'  Let's not make a bigger mistake when the fleece is pulled over our eyes.

A Good Sunday

Church at 8
Nap for 2 hours
2 hours of piano
2 hours of college apps :((
2 hours of piano
Dad came home from CA. :D
Then 2 hours of Downton Abbey accompanied by a cup of sipping chocolate from Trader Joe's.

Ok. Best episode ever. I can't wait until next week. I love this show.

Tix for Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto No. 3 are dwindling. The colored spaces are empty seats and its not until 5 more months! MUST GO AND HEAR THE WONDER.

Downton Abbey has a companion book. Want.

To discuss the episode a bit:  the man Edith fancies, is he married to the farm lady? Or is he her son/brother. So confused. And I wish they'd get rid of 'different' Thomas. He brings nothing to the table.

The Grind

Went to this place tonight. Possibly the best burger I will ever have in my life.

The people I was with, were all over the age of 21. And I'm an only child so I'm totally used to putting up with adults. But now I am one, so what happens now? Do I join the circle? I don't really want to.
It was a great night, but it had its moments of weirdness. Moments of philosophical dialogue, and bouncing ideas around. Eve, of course, answered right away and with pragmatic points and reasons. It wasn't received well. I don't think anyone knew I was talking. Anyway ....  After the dinner my brain was so fuzzy from all the heavy conversations and topics. I literally felt exhausted trying to keep up. I felt like I just took the SAT.

Adulthood is just not for me

Vivian Maier

"What the Nanny Saw"

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old

I would be....

--"Frail"

Found this today

My mousepad I've had for years. At first when I saw it I thought, HAH that so explains my life right now.
The tip of the iceberg being my college application process and the rest of the frozen behemoth is cleverly hiding under the surface..

Anddd then I read the caption. Vision: Beyond seeing.

I thought of many things. I thought of the sacrifices I'm making and the preparation that's going into my future field of music. That's vision.
Then I also thought of my life now, and what it will be a year from now. It was dismal.
My life, and my friends right now are at a new high. I've never had nicer, or more supportive friends. This has been a great year getting to mesh with new people and just learning to have fun. It's also been drama free. Which is amazing.
I felt kind of sad at this realisation. I'm going to a HUGE secular school next year and will be bombarded by the people, lifestyles, and worldviews that come with it. I can only imagine a lonely, dejected life--socially speaking. I thought, "Wow so basically it's all downhill from here."
At that moment I had a new thought:  Do you trust Me enough to put the right people in your life?
I liked those comforting words from the Holy Spirit. It's been such a struggle as to what I'm going to miss out from a Christian college education. This came at a good time.

I had a dream my mom bought the wrong kind of greek yogurt and I was disgusted. But also on a lazy river when I discovered it. Odd.

Algimantas Kezys

Little known facts about me:
I am not a people person, yet I flourish in group situations. One-on-one just makes me figety and anxious.
I also like to be OUT and DOING stuff. Yet I know my priorities and the second they get neglected, all I want to do is stay at home without distractions.
Suffice it to say, Christmas break has been nothing but a giant waste of time. Well, 67% of break was actual holiday/productive things, but the last 43% has been me, couped up in the house doing nothing, and wasting so much time. I'm not sure how to cope with my laziness while everything is low stress. Pushing myself, and making time out of a crazy schedule is all I've ever known. I'm REALLY looking forward to the game tomorrow and seeing my friends. My thoughts are driving me insane; I need something else to think about besides them.

Red Scale!

I got it developed! Most of the roll was shot because I exposed it to light while I was trying to load it. Only 6 exposures came in, 1 was too blurry and the other was double exposed and the rest of the roll was unexposed. So basically it cost me a dollar a photograph. There used to be a saying, "Film is cheap." I'm pretty sure digital is cheaper.
So I took pics of them with my camera phone. I tried to crop out the table background they were resting on, just ignore that, it's not part of the photograph. And one of them has a glare from the overhead light. It's a glossy print. Ignore that too. This is obviously extremely lo-fi, I can't even use a scanner. ;)
1st exposure: A tiny sprig of a tree growing in an alley in Niles, Michigan. The town where my dad grew up.. Over-exposed about 1 stop.
2nd: An alley wall in Niles. I over-exposed about 1-2 stops
3rd: Trees in the backyard of the house where my dad grew up. The people didn't have a fence...like most mid-westerners...so we just took a few steps into the yard. I don't remember how I took this picture. I'm sure I over exposed. That's the rule of thumb with redscale.
4th: Side of a building in Niles. This time I over exposed using my ISO dial. The film was 800, I shot at 1000.

Sunday!

Dad wanted to see a movie. Sherlock Holmes 2 at 6:00 at Shea 14.  We all loaded into the car and thought, "Hey, maybe our friends, the Reaser's would like to join US for Oregano's later tonight."
We called. Ken answered.
They were in their car....on their way to a movie.....Sherlock Holmes 2.......at Shea 14. Crazy! We decided to sit with them. Incidentally, we pulled up right as they did and parked next to each other.
We ran into 2 more families that night--both with the latter 14U team connection. It was the night to be out, apparently. I got to see one of my favorite people. Robert! We talked Nirvana, of course.

Sherlock Holmes 2 was amazing. I found the action scenes, supporting actors, and dialogue to be exceptional. I wanted more of Holmes and his nemesis. I read ONE Sherlock story when I was 11--*yawn*. It had something to do with a poisonous snake and a way for the murderer to lock a door from the outside... Well now I want to read more!

But the ad for the Batman movie?? Seeing CHRISTOPHER NOLAN in huge white letters made me gasp. The ad was riveting. Not sure about Hathaway as Catwoman. I've never liked her!!! Nolan is so conventional in his female actress choices. Nevertheless, I am so beyond excited for this movie.
In addition to the barrage of commercials we viewed before the previews (go figure) was a tiny ad for Downton Abbey.
It's airing this Sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had no clue. I'm too excited. I don't think I can wait.

Today was loads of fun.  I rollerbladed for 6 miles and then had a great night!

New Years

things about tonight:

I feel so DANG old I can't even stand it. I remember each night of every new years eve:

2008 I thought my life would end because of a super melodramatic text conversation.
2009 I thought my life was sooo lame because all my friends were in public school & I wasn't
2010 I don't remember thinking much, I went to bed early
2011 I'm practicing piano

Looks like life is getting better the more the years go by!

2nd Semester

It's hard to imagine it's related to 1st semester.

2nd semester is so different from 1st. It's the time when friendships solidify, or break apart.
When the REAL studying starts -- unless you're a senior, then you don't care.
It's when you try to make more time for friends, or more time for yourself. It's the wonderful time of spring; and the sports and dances that go with it.
I'm not looking forward to spring. But at the same time I am!

I can't imagine balancing 4 hr piano practice and a season of softball into my weeks.

I'm so bored with the people I know, yet if they were missing in my life, I'd be incomplete.

Schoolwork is death, and now were adding college apps.

I have about 5 people asking, NO relentlessly reminding me to put pictures up on Facebook and other sites. (yeah, I'll get right on that)

Prom is coming up? Any thoughts so far? NONE.

Audition coming up? Well, IF I get accepted...

Valentines day... Usually I hand make about 25.

Shopping. I need clothes. Seriously.

Room. I need to clean you. It's looking like war-torn Somalia in here.
So yeah! I have to read 3 books, watch 2 movies, do a physiology lab, and complete an economics project before the 9th.

But on the 3rd is the big AZ HEAT vs EVAC basketball game! Huge rivalry. Last year's game was so close and pretty much glorious....I lost my voice cheering. A couple of my girl friends are gonna hang out at someone's house before going to the game. I'm really looking forward to that, I need to see people. It's been a month of staying in  the house and battling college apps, transcripts, lab science examples, piano practice, Christmas, and new years. AHH.. I'm really hoping this insanity will pay off. I want time for myself pretty soon.

so...

about the odd poems and vague posts,
I don't really know why I posted them?
I have been reading too many tumblr's, I suppose.
I promise I'm not an angsty teen, or depressed, or anything.
I only feel a need to keep posting.

Christmas was fun, it definitely wasn't picture perfect, but I still had a blast. Some significant presents this year for me was a ski helmet that has headphones for music, 5 Bath and Body Works shower gels, and a 1977 Minolta XG 1 SLR with zoom lens and attachable flash. My grandpa recently found this in his garage; he bought it years ago and forgot about it.  He gave it to me after I expressed interest in it. MINT CONDISH.
I can't believe I have this camera. It's so amazing.
My 35 mm Cameras:
Canon Rebel G SLR with 50-75mm lens
Yashica Electro 35 GSN
Minolta XG 1 with 22-210 mm lens

I also have a Kodak No. 2 Folding Cartridge Hawk Eye Model 2 (1920's-1930's ?)
and a Spencer Full-Vue TLR. (1940's?)
both take 120 film.

And then my Canon Digital Rebel XTi SLR.

That's my collection so far!
I need to develop my redscale film, and then see how the Minolta works. I think it needs new batteries. :/

Sad Day

When you run a mile then look down at the treadmill and discover you've only burned 118 calories :((

Getting back in shape:  it's gonna be a long road

Picture:  favorite shirt.. and I'm always cold!!! WHEN IS SUMMER

Correlations

Funny how tables turn 180 degrees from Freshman to Senior year with people you know.

3 years ago this would have been wonderful

3 years later, it's hardly a big deal at all

Kinda sad?

Nah

Evan wiping out in Alaska.. skiing a face

don't know why I can't rotate this :C

Backyard adventures

Taking care of Timmons' animals. His cat is so cute yet so demonic. as cats usually are bahaha C:

I got this on fb. Yay me?

skype

skype

I usually don't use this

But I really like it now. I've skyped 2 days in a row!
I've been sitting in my house doing nothing but chores and piano for a week. This is literally getting me through christmas break.

I feel my social life coming back to life

Birthday is

To start it all by dreaming about a special unrelased Doors song and hearing it in your sleep, only to wake up and discover it doesn't exist
A time to stress about college
Over think Christmas decorations.
Wonder why you don't feel festive
Take a breath from the past semester
Realize everything and everyone you met
Become lonely for one friend out of many
Snap yourself out of it
Ask 'why' way too many times
Feel as old as the hills
Wish so desperately for a time machine
Wish for an actual 'Christmas break'
Think about the future
Think about a year from now. Total 180
Look forward to skiing
Dread audition
Eat 3 burritos in one day
Laugh at your hilarious parents
Plan what to do with your hair in the next 6 months
Text people, read posts, Skype friends
Take care of timmons cat and dog
Decorate tree with half-lidded eyes
Laugh at your hilarious parents
Try to go to bed, but feel hungry

Children's TV

Just plain frightening.
How could this possibly be cute...it looks like a tumor.

Don't ask how I found this on tv.

President of the 2AM Club

Paper is done.

This paper is dragging on.

I'm writing about something in which I have no idea.  Matt Forte's MCL injury.

I'm writing in APA format, in which I have never learned.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo confused

gonna get my christmas tree tonight!

hopefully I'll finish my paper in time

Filling out U of A's application now :(

life is too short

so many things are pressing on my mind:

filling out applications to a bunch of universities.
a paper DUE in 9 hours that I haven't started, and other incomplete assignments due.
4 hours of piano
christmas preparations
final grades MISSING from every math class I ever took (AHHHH)
and finishing transcripts.

but for some reason, none of this is bugging me.
Either I'm just in a lottt of denial or I just don't care anymore.

and why should I care? life is too short.

The Healing

working through things from years ago

christmas party tonight! I'm quite excited for that

ready to begin the new semester

UNKLE's "The Healing" on my mind. I'd link it, but the cover art is uncharacteristically sketchy.

December is for Albums

Found this and it's really good. Totally 'December'

It's 8

I think I'll go listen to Odyssey on the radio. just cuz

Teen Challenge

A teen challenge guy came to our doorstep.
Mom wanted me to step outside and listen to his testimony, but  I didn't have makeup on and my hair was a mess. Seconds later, I heard bits of a conversation and wanted to be out there too, besides I was being ridiculous about the whole appearance thing.
His name was Adam. He had an incredible story. We soon found out that he was home schooled and grew up in the church until he was 13 and then his parents went through a divorce, his dad became an alcoholic and he was put in public school. It was there where he tried marijuana for the first time. Fast forward a few years later, he faced 3-5 years in prison for assault and breaking into homes for heroin money.
He got out on a complete miracle. God gave him a second chance. Then he went to Teen Challenge.

I was floored. He was so on fire for Christ I could hardly get over it. Only 19, his life had been shattered, but rebuilt and restored completely by Christ. Now he wants to be a counselor and pastor
I'm so glad this happened today. A few things came to mind when he left:

what are some addictions in MY life?

what is the big picture?

are we really living life, just to live?

does it have to take a terrible drug-ridden life to have a close relationship with the Lord?

what am I meant to do?




a song on my mind today

4th favorite album of all time

I wonder

Sometimes I wonder at how many nights of my life that I've looked at this crack in my bronze antique lamp.
It's been in my room for 17 years.

Goodwill never happened.

not sure why.

I should just stop planning things ahead hahah. Christmas preparations are gonna take up all of my life. I have so many college apps to fill out. :((

goodwill

might be going to Fountain Hill's Goodwill with Brooke.

It's going to be a beautiful day.

I want to ski on Friday for my birthday! Not sure how that will work out with practicing piano, but I'll figure it out.

As for my actually birth date, I'm not doing anything. Christmas kind of messes plans up. lol

today I will drop off my redscale pictures for developing.

I didn't finish the whole roll because I've been hearing some 'crunching' when I advance the film. Next time, I'm using my old 35 mm Canon SLR instead of the Yashika.

So to minimize disappointment of discovering I've been exposing the same frame over and over, I'm just going to develop what I have. Pricey.
The things we do for film

I met you with a wary handshake. You had a wool pea coat, dusty skin, and stony eyes.
 
To the absolute unlovable I was pulled, and forever will be.  

Your browbones sat like lofty balconies to the eyes.

Perhaps at one time your bright eyes surveyed the view below, when ambitions were young and the stage was empty--waiting to be filled.

It wasn't long before the shadows pulsed in the mezzanine in tiny wisps.

You replaced the velveteen curtains with a much brighter color, but still the shadows climbed the walls.

They grew into roots, sticking out, sliming under the floor.

They burst through, the wretched, wrinkled roots, in a mix of powder and plaster around your head.

From then on, it was damage control

The years passed in a blur of a montage of sights and sounds bookmarked by the protagonist waiting in the wings.

He stepped out for a duel.

He was just like you. Soft, safe, ambitious. Except for his stony eyes.

With this debut, His ripples spread around you, pulling, tugging, pushing.

You could feel them in the darkest of nights, never relenting until they reached their goal.

The blood bath began onstage. Strike! Curse! Resist! Alas, He became You.

Abandoned, dark, and silent, the stage sat empty and unable to recover.

Shabby trees grew in the lobby, fed only by the squares of light that escaped through rusted tin tiles.

You asked yourself, "How long can something degrade until it is lost forever?"

No answer came, and none ever did.

Year-after-year the pain multiplied ten-fold.

Children explored the place, speculating about its former state.

Yet, imaginations failed to conjure such grandeur.

Your broken pieces dashed inside of you, trying to escape the pain of destruction that never releases.

In the midst of darkness, She saw the grandeur.

This simple handshake was an acknowledgement of the deserted theatre of your psyche.

It was as if she ventured into the lobby, unafraid.

Her bated breath escaped to mix with tiny ice crystals in the air.

The worn banister ached at the cool touch of her reverent fingers.

Each step was tentative:  she took care around the broken steps.

She removed the heavy curtains and wrapped them around the whole sun.

Not even the beating wings of hunched bats caused her to cower as they fled from one dissolved beam to the next.

This long-awaited life began to throb in the hallways.

Finally, He caught her looking into his spot in the balcony. And She caught his attention forever.

His imploring eyes would meet her gaze.

Throughout the day, and in passing, their gaze held.

"I'm looking at you again." His eyes seemed to say to Hers in unison.

"We do this a lot." Her eyes sparkled to his, again in unison.

"Part of me, dare I say, is enjoying this."

"Likewise. Though, people may notice our glances."

"Even She."

"There is a She?"

"Yes."

"I've met her.  We are equals, I am like Her, but instead I desired your sadness. She does not."

"For this reason, You and I should be together."

"But not forever."

"Not forever."

"Not never."

"Not ever."

current music interests

KiD CuDi
Passion Pit
Kanye West
Gnarls Barkley
Depeche Mode
Unkle

I've basically been living on the green corduroy couch with my laptop for the past three days. When this Youth and Government thing is over, I'm going to cry epic tears of happiness.

all my titles are turning into 'sigh'

Uggg.
Sometimes I just want to escape it all. It's crazy to think the stuff that occurred the past 4 years actually happened at all. It's so odd, awkward, mesmerizing, hilarious, sweet, and painful.
haha I used to hate it when people used blogs as an outlet for existential rants, and now my blog is turning out to be one of them.  WELL. Guess what people, I'm a human, and humans have emotions and memories. And I just happen to have a really crazy memory.
one of these days I'll post old entries I wrote in freshman-sophomore year. I find them interesting. A way of seeing how somebody matures intellectually. I just gotta find where I put those notebooks hahah.

recent discovery

Something about this band reminds me of winter. Especially in Indiana.

stop dissing me

this is a final warning

don't make me become 9th grade Eve again

Once

We were taught to check off the boxes

We were taught to reach; to consume.

Aligning it all under our eyes, they laid the blanket out.

Between wrong and wrong, we chose right.

Hailed as the chosen ones, the world followed us; exalted us; had nothing left for us, and dropped us off into silence.

Sometimes I have this idea of myself. Slightly over-inflated, even idealistic.. and then I look in a mirror or watch a video of myself and I'm basically myself. All the time.
It's comforting
It's disappointing

The Midwest is so dreary in the fall. I passed a cornfield and had to look away. It was exactly like the abduction scene in The Lovely Bones

sometimes I feel I'll always be chasing for that best friend. or that idea of one.
so popular, yet I always find myself spending weekends with my thoughts.

I'd rather watch Clueless than do school

mock trial tomorrow.
going up against the 'dream team' --as coined by Sam.
our team overly prepared.
as the prosecution for Antigone Vs. The State, I have a feeling tomorrow's going to be difficult.
Michael called me and tried to ask for help. They hadn't even started until 3 this afternoon. so that's the only thing that gives me a little hope.
tomorrow is going to be very fun.
I might leave school early tomorrow. soooo done with study hall/student leadership. I'm totally dropping that class next semester. I need a life.

so my birthday is coming up! gah, gotta start planning for that. no problem right? when you're in the middle of finals, model-leg, audition preparation, and planning to host christmas.

totally feeling  back in time today.



I practiced piano for 4 hours. it wasn't as mind-numbing as I thought. I liked having enough time to drill and fix parts. 2 hours wouldn't have cut it.

I miss rollerblading!

2nd semester is the Drama Semester. I can already feel it brewing. can I be at ASU yet?

Two winters

blanched

today it was wayy cold.
And the sky was hazy and all the colors were faded and false like a tungsten filter.
So, naturally, I got home and listened to Robert Plant's solo album "The Principle of Moments" on vinyl.
Not his best work, but there's about 3 great songs.
This played through my head all day.